Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Today I woke up and looked out the window and it looked like snow. I thought, I should wake up my husband and tell him as this is the weather he loved then I remembered he is no longer here. It has been 8 months since he passed now and I am surprised that I thought he was still here. I have been pretty good the last few months but I think the approaching holidays are playing with my mind.
In a couple of days I will have all the boys with me to enjoy the holidays with my family. I am pretty excited as this will be the first time we will all be in our new home. I have been going nuts trying to get everything finished and ordering furniture. I finally realized last night as I was attempting to assemble at tv stand at 3am, it doesn't all have to be perfect. I don't want to run around and try to fill this house with last minute purchases to make it look like a home. I need to do this at my pace. The is a reflection of me these days, a work in progress. Everyday brings a new emotion and challenge and I am just trying my best to make it through another day.
On a side note I was speaking to my law in mother the other day who asked me if I intended to keep my last name. She is old and I am sure she means well but I had been with my husband for over 24 years. I see no reason to change it unless I remarry. Sometimes she says things that I am not sure where they come from. I also think these days I get easily offended.
I went to a local casino here in CA and won on the slots. Nothing life changing, but enough to give me an artificial/brief moment of excitement. My default reaction upon hitting was dialing her number to inform of the good news. Till I realized there was no one to answer on the other end anymore!!
I went from happy back to 10x miserable . The win suddenly became another reminder that it is just me now, even in good times, never mind bad! No more "us" to celebrate moments like these. I went home feeling the brunt of her absence even more than before. I am actually desperately trying not to think about her anymore, but keep getting reminded all day long by little things that brings back memories of her. After many yrs together, I don't think any of us can just shake off the memories, even temporarily just to get some relief.
She defined me after 30yrs together! With her passing, I lost my meaning as a person. Trying to redefine myself once more, a day at a time, but a long way from it. May god help me (and all of us here!) facilitate the process of finding new meaning in life again.....With the holidays coming, inner turmoil will be the norm for me. I will try not to keep from falling apart after 9 mos into this grieving business.......Hope you do better than I will be this Holiday season. I just know I'm in for a rough stretch........
Take care and keep strong!
Take care and God Bless!
Take care and God Bless!