I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my soulmate, fianc and life partner of 14+ years this past February (she was 40) and I am still here! I immediately started grief therapy and I would recommend that for you. It was my best day of the week because I had a person who had also gone through a significant loss listening to me and telling me what I am going through is normal. The fact is this is the biggest challenge we will ever face. Everyday is still hard, but it is much better than the days spent in the ICU...my Nicole also expereinced more pain and health challenges than many humans combined will ever suffer...so there was relief that she wasnt suffering anymore. I am also a christian...so Ive embraced my faith for guidance. I have also read a lot (just finished my third book) and that helps as well. My next step is group support by trying some local groups. I believe we just need absolutely everything and all the support we can find (thats why I am here now) because we owe it to our loved one to try. Nicole would most definetly not want me to be swallowed by this, so I am fighting everyday. I read something that said "how can you best hnor your beloved's memory? By continuing to heal and by moving forward" so that is what I try to do everyday. I pray that you will find little bits of peace from time to time...these will become slighly larger with time. I am still so close to my loss that I too don't know what the future will bring, but I am putting few if any expectations on mayself right now and trying to avoid thinking of the loss of our shared future. Thank you for sharing your story...the fact that you posted here is a step forward!

Hi Meg I am sorry it your husband is no longer with you and your little boy. You are in a State of Shock which is protecting you from the grief to come. Do the very best that you can is the mother love your child because that precious little one has only his mother to raise him. Your job will be to teach him about his father and you will come to see that your husband lives on through your son. I am truly truly sorry. You are in the right place to learn about grief. We all know and understand the pain you are having right now period you must do the best you can to eat get plenty of rest and drink lots of fluids to keep from getting dehydrated. You must take care of yourself so you can take care of your precious little one. Everyone is here II love you and help you in any way we can even if it is just to listen. We get it. God bless and comfort you in this your time of need. Scotty PS this was dictated and not typed because have any new stupid smart phone that has tiny little keys that are impossible for me to type on.

Oh meg.....my heart goes out to you as I know first hand the trials and tribulations of renal failure and dialysis. It's a rough road to travel but then again everyone here has had that damn rough road one way or another somewhere in their life.
First of all...don't think of it as God took him away from you. Remember....he gave him to you! It may not have been as long as you wanted but it was a love that many, many people never get the privilege of feeling Plus, you'll always have a part of him in your beautiful little boy! You got more out of your time with him than you yet realize...but you will honey, you will....I promise!
It's ok to feel angry, up and down. You will feel emotions that you never knew that you had. And belive me, the guilt will come too. It always does! But that's okay! It truly is. Let all of those feelings come Meg. Deal with them, acknowledge and accept them and then release them. Let them know that it's ok to come and go but not to stay.
Secondly...we all have things that were left unsaid. So still say them to him. No, it's not the same but he hears you. I talk to Ira many times through out the day and I have had many signs that he hears me, watches over me and will forever love me no matter where my path leads me. Take comfort in your faith and feel that envelope of love that he and the heavens surround you with every single day.
I'm not saying that this beginning won't be hard....it will sweetie....but it's a part of life that you just need to live through. The days will pass and that grief and anger will subside. It will never go away but you will learn to live with it. Someday the sun will shine in your life again if you let it. Then again Meg....how could it not when you have the best and brightest ray of light right in your own home in your little boy! Always talk to him about his daddy in a positive and encouraging way. Let him know of the strong courageous man that he was. Help him to want to strive to be just like him in his growing years. Always remind him of his love for him!
It won't be this way forever. As far as today and the right now....get up, get dressed and face the day. It's hard I know. But it's the only way to get to tomorrow. Of course you will stop to grieve and cry, rant and rave at times....let it come...then let it go.
Day by day honey...that's all you can do.
Please take my advice in this as it has served me so well over the past year and frankly throughout my life....stay positive...even in the darkest hour....know that there is light. And smile, even when your heart is breaking....it really does soothe the soul.
My thoughts are with you sweet girl. If you ever want to chat....just message me....I'm always around!
Love and strength to you and your sweet little man...

Darcie

I'm so sorry for your loss. You will find much comfort here. Sending you warm hugs.

I am truly sorry your sweet husband passed away. It's ok to be angry, for awhile with god. I will say this though, in my opinion, god didnt take our spouses away, "life did". You go ahead and be angry or awhile, ask him for help, talk to him, scream at him, god hears you, and he will/is carrying you. I am a young mother two, and lost my husband in a horrific accident. Unlike I didnt get to say goodbye, or ge him to tell me what he wanted for me, as I move forward without him in this physical world. You had to have been hurting so awful to watch your sweet husband suffer, not sure I couldve endured watching my husband sufffer. Your right he is in a bettter place, but it doesnt take away the fact that you want him with you now. We just move slowly and gently through this grief. Your perfect in how you feel, and don't ever feel bad about being angry, sad... It takes time, and tiime does heal to some extent, atleast in accepting that they can't and aren't here with us physically. they are however here spiritually, and I do believe he is proud of you for pushing forward the best you can. Remember each moment is a positive step in the right direction, and your little boy needs you, and you must fight to keep your husbands memory alive for your sweet little boy. We are the lucky ones.. we had true love, and its everlasting, not like a temporary fix. He still loves and remembers you, dont ever forget that. With love, admiration, and big hugs carla

I am so so sorry I too am very angry at everything and everyone I come into contact with. I lost my Fiance and only had him for 7 years I waited a life time to find him and was suppose to get married in December I don;t understand how these things happen and why I am so sorry for your loss Carol-Ann

I am truly sorry for your loss, Meg. Yes, you are right, we won't ever return to the same as our spouse's death. But each of us will find our way eventually. It is important to take care of yourself and your little boy.

Here is an article that echos the same sentiment.
http://www.dailystrength.org/people/5057601/journal/14290539

Thank you all for your kind words. It helps me just to know that I'm not so alone. I know this will be a day by day journey and I'm preparing myself for that. I just wasn't prepared for this emotional roller coaster that I'm on now. God bless you all. We'll do this together.

I understand what your going thru....My Maria passed in Feb.of this year...she too had ESRD for over six years....I'm greatful she's no longer in pain, or having to attend those dialysis sessions. But I miss my best friend every moment of the day....its been very hard for me, but everyone here has been very supportive.
In fact I finally took a trip last week just to get away for awhile...I thought it might help, but It only made me miss her more...I had never traveled anywhere without her for over 38 years....They tell me here, that things will get better...and that it takes time ....it will...I feel you and I can get through it....just take it one day at a time.
Jon.

Hey Meg,
Every thing you are going thru I went thru more intensly when my wife went home in August of 2015. Like you I have leaned on my faith and was confused initially why the Lord would let her pass while I was at work and prayed for Him to protect her while I was gone. I still have a very long way to go but I try to remember our conversations about one of us going before the other. It has really helped me to focus that she wanted me to try and go on with my life until I see her again.
Like you I am comforted that she isn't in the pain she was in and is in a perfect body never to hurt or get sick or die ever again. It is still very hard and lonely but there are enough of us out there that I have faith we will all make it. We can't give up. Whatever you do, please take care of you and especailly that little gift you have there from God above. I know it's early but maybe think about making a memory book for your little boy to learn and remember his dad by.
Peace, Tim

Hi I feel the same way my husband of 39 yrs died on April 3 this yr of ESRD too. He was just on it for about 1 yrs PD in home. He had other health issues. He was tired and in pain everyday he had a stroke in 2012 and up and down health issues. I know he is out of his misery and that is what I have to keep saying to help me get through it. We prayed and prayed, it was just his time. I miss him so much I feel him in my apartment that is why I am looking for another place to live. I have to get through this I pray you will too, it is hard it is not fun. at all

So sorry for your loss. I too lost. My love from a long illness. It's a hard journey. You will find people here who understand though.

What to you do? For the moment its enough to just be. To function enough for your son. To survive. In time these things become a little easier and you can live in little bits and pieces. Because that's what this is. Learning to live again. And we all will with time and love.

Hi Meg,
I'm very sorry for your loss and the pain you are going thru. I lost my wife of 26 years on 11/29/15 in an accident. I was where you are. I'm still lost and grieving but am able to function. Yes there are ups and downs along the way and I try to remember all the good times. Sadness overwhelms me especially when I am alone or when I am in a place wheRe we had been together. I want Sandra back but feel guilty about it, she is better off in heaven than here. I'm angry more at the situation with unfinished plans, not angry with her or at God. I too wish I had more time with her. Time will make things more bearable, you will become stronger, and you won't be like this forever. I'm fortunate to be working to keep busy during the week, my dog keeps me busy as well, the weekends are tied up with household stuff, not much free time. I haven't been able to find a grief support group to attend so I sign on here, which has been a big help. Maybe someone on here further along in the process can shed some light on their journey. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.