Hi Michelle . . .

There is no singular time line of when you are ready to finish the nightmare . . . or decide to put yourself out there in the dating world.

I am only at 9 months, but try to put myself in forward motion every day. Not necessarily in dating or looking for a new relationship, but I do keep my options and mind open for a chance meeting.

As for reference(s) to your labeling your deceased hubby . . nothing wrong with saying my "late husband". If you should meet another that doesn't get that, then perhaps you should think twice about whom you might be spending your time with.

Wish I had more advice to share, but alas I am new on this journey. Listen to the inherent voice in your heart and when truth speaks from the DS family to you, own it. Otherwise, let the rest go. There is no right or wrong in this scenario.

Big hug and best wishes to you on your journey to find and re-kindle the love fire!! xo Dayna

Michelle,
It is a "living nightmare", you are NOT alone in feeling this way. For me it has been that way for over 20 months. It's different for everyone, I'm sure. I sometimes think that my Morey is on a trip and he's going to walk in the door any minute. I swear I hear his voice and I'm sure I've seen him walking down the hallway.

I first saw him when I was 18 years old and fell madly in love with him then. He was tall, tan, with the biggest blue eyes you have ever seen and that smile, with dimples that were so deep and a huge cleft in his chin that you could park your finger in!!!! I knew that this man would make the most beautiful babies!!! And, he did!!!

Inside my head I go all over the place. I go to dinner, lunch, out with friends [mostly female]. But to actually go on a "date".....I think I'm ready, in theory, but not in real life. I still wear my wedding rings and talk to him all the time....while I'm driving, while I'm watching T.V., before I get ready for bed.....he's still part of me and my day to day life.

No greater love has anyone had than the love that Morey and I shared, of that I'm quite sure!

I still work a full time job and am very vital as a woman. I love men and have many male friends but at a distance. Morey was my man for many, many years and I loved it that way. I'm a wonderful friend......I'm staunchly loyal to my peeps, especially my man!

I don't call Morey "my late husband", I call him "my husband!" I know that I will want to see other men, one day, because I love men but, as Morey did, that man will have to steal my heart and be staunchly loyal, as I am!

You see, your feelings are felt by others. Be true to yourself. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it!!!!

Roz

Its been 23 months for me. There is still that feeling, I am waiting for him to come home. I try and convince myself, he is gone, never coming back. Sometimes I succeed in convincing myself, but there is still that string that pulls me back. We would gave been together for 50 years.

Its been 25 months for me and that shock feeling that he was never coming home didn't really last and that was because I jumped fast back into my work world...since he worked nights it was easy to pretend that none of it happened and we were both working........it is in the removing of his favorite possessions that it really hits me hard...but even that is getting better...I only tried dating once and I was not ready....but I am a believer that you cant honestly know unless you try....I think I only referred to my husband by his name and he knew I was widowed...he had been married twice and once called my husband my ex...I didn't like the sound of that at all...ugh..just ugh!!

Dear Michelle,
To answer your question, it took me almost 1 1/2 years to stop crying myself to sleep and to wake up praying that it was just a nightmare I was having. Then one morning I woke up and everything felt more peaceful. My guess is after all the meditation from the yoga classes I was taking, plus church, plus praying, plus, plus, I was granted a reprieve. I did start dating. But I never spoke of my husband. Anyways, they were just casual people I was meeting through the Meet-Ups I was attending. I just did not say I was a widow. Then, someone who was a friend of ours - not a close close friend but still someone whom both my late husband and I respected - we started spending time together. With him I did not have to say "my late husband". I could say his name and he was/is fine with it. In my heart I believe I could not have dated a man who did not know my late husband. Who didn't understand what the disease was all about, what we went through for these years. Today, three years after the death of my soul mate, I have been granted the privilege of finding peace and comfort in the arms of a friend who became much more than a friend. Give time to time. You are right. If you are so worried about how to address the man who was your love, it is perhaps not yet time to date. Look at the Meet-Ups in your area. You will be surprised at all the groups that they have. The idea is to go out. Give yourself an objective - once every two weeks maybe? A movie with the Meet-Ups? If you meet someone great, if not, you will have enjoyed a movie! Crying is the natural result of our pain. The tissue companies must be making a bundle with us widows/widowers! Be kind to yourself. Virtual hug to you, Driftersoul.

I have made it past four years and not sure if I have ever fully awakened. The other day I was running late and said to myself it was okay because Mike would pick up the kids from school. No he won't...he's dead.

As for dating, I have better things to do at the moment to achieve goals not related to a relationship. I have just moved in a different direction.

Maggie

I don't think there is a precise timescale for grieving nor as to when the nightmare situation ends. We are all different and time applies differently to each of us. But passing time helps.

It is 23 months for me and, in a way, the nightmare about believing that he might come back ended when I moved away from our family home (which I could not maintain alone). I moved into an apartment close to where I had the use to live but a place my husband did not know, nor had ever been to. Even though he came with me in my heart when I moved, I knew for sure in my head that he would never be back. It did help me.

As to referring to my husband, I say my late husband to people who did not know him, or his name, or even at time my husband to people who knew him. Recently, I met a person who has now become in a way a friend, I knew she was widowed and she always referred to her late husband as "my husband". At first, I though she was recently widowed and I did not comment, however I later learned that she had been widowed for nine years. This is to say that there are no rules and no strict timescale.

I wish you all the best. Time will help.

I forgot to say that, of course, there always people around, who have no idea as to what you are going through, but who will tell how you should feel and when you should feel it. Just do your best to ignore them.

It was 7 years ago last June that I lost my husband and for many months and a few years I gradually "got" the fact that this was permanent. It brought a new set of emotions, like what do I do now.

We work our way through the grief process with tears, denial, anger and whatever else and reach reality. Then we work again with self discovery of who is this person no longer part of a couple.

The time frame is different for us all , but we have to travel through it. The destination differs too. What I totally believed the first year wasn't the destination. What I swore to the second year wasn't right either. Choosing the right answer isn't the destination, but being open to the future as we deal with the past is. It's the journey that gives us strength to meet tomorrow. And tomorrow can change too.

As I read what I write I'm amazed that I, someone who thought I controlled my future, I see more evidence of how far I have come and how far I still need to grow.

Just my experience and thoughts. Sharon

Just wanted to add, you will grieve every moment until you have grieved it all and then you will begin to figure out how to get through tomorrow. Sharon

Hi Michelle: like others here, I don't think there's a single timescale that you can point to for being 'ready' to move on.
I had already been mourning Rob for years before he actually died - he was deteriorating for so long, that his death was a relief... at first.
The first year I was in such a hurry to move on, I started dating 4 months later. Thankfully, most of the gents I met were mature enough, and kind enough, to see that I wasn't ready yet, and were thoughtful enough to let me down gently.
It'll be 2 years in six more weeks, and I found this past Christmas harder than the first. My widowed friends here all told me they experienced the same thing - the first year you're kind of numb, then the second year the pain really hits.
So, I've backed off on the dating thing altogether. I had signed up for a couple online sites, but now have taken all my profiles down. If I get asked out, I'll go (its highly unlikely, since I work and socialize mainly with women, am overweight and have 2 younger kids) but I'm not actively seeking male company at this time. I decided 2015 will be the year to focus on my health, healing, and family. Everything else can wait.
Oh, and I refer to Rob as my "late husband" - it felt awkward at first, but now I'm used to it. Of all the gents I met, only one was a bit 'threatened' and immature about it.

I am at 7 years and 2 months since Cliff died. It took a few months for it to stop feeling like he would come back, but a whole lot longer to stop wishing that he would!

I refer to my husband Cliff as 'my husband Cliff.' Or simply 'Cliff' as I feel better being able to still say his name, even when it makes others wince -- which it does at times. If pushed or necessary, then he is either 'my first husband' or 'my late husband.'

My new husband is a widower (we met in this group), so it has not been a problem referring to or talking about our lost spouses. For me, I doubt I would have been able to connect as well with another man who had not been through the same kind of loss. We both understand the other is going to have those sad days, especially around the anniversaries.

There is wisdom in the concept of 'wait a year before you do anything major' as we are not very clear-headed the first year. However, that does not mean you can't fall in love within that first year. I did -- but Mark and I waited until I was beyond the first year anniversary before we were honest about our feelings for each other. We have been married now over 4 years.

It sounds like what you need now are friends and company, not really to date yet. You might try checking the groups on meetup.com in your area. You can meet like-minded people in a group setting, which is also less fraught with problems than other methods. You can search on your city and any special interests you have, and there is usually a variety of things available. Another thing you can do is volunteer work. It's a good ice-breaker meeting new people when you all have the same interest or concern. Just a thought....

Hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

P.S. - I just checked meetup.com for your area and there are about 50 groups to choose from within 10 miles of Atlanta.

There is no time scale. I would say that for me the anticipation of waking up from the nightmare stopped around the first year mark. Mostly I think because my father died around that time and I had a whole new set of issues to deal with on my own. I stopped wearing my wedding rings around that time also. However, occassionally I still get that strange alternate universe feeling and I will be at the 4 year mark at the end of January.

I refer to my husband as my husband or by his name J.R.. I loved him as my husband, he will always be my husband. If needed I explain that he is no longer alive.

As for dating, I have been in a relationship for two years now. we both lost our spouses, so we refer to our spouses by their names. I guess because we have such similar emotions on the matter, it simply is not an issue. I am not jealous of his relationship with his wife, in fact I think of her as a close friend that I never had the chance to meet. He feels the same way about my husband. We can laugh and cry over our spouses and their loss; which is actually pretty great. So at your own pace, in your own space and just muddle through has been my mantra. Hope this helps.
Valerie