I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband about 3 /12 month ago. So this is a very new experience for me as well. No I have never lost my spouse before. We were together more than 30 years and very happily married the last 18 years. Well almost 18 years. I buried him about 2 weeks before our 18th anniversary, However, my Grandmother, whom I lost about 3 weeks before I lost my husband, lost 2 husbands. My grandfather passed when I was 5 years old. Grandma remarried several years later and they were married about 30 years or more. She is now and always has been an inspiration to me. I know, if Grandma could do it twice, I should be able to manage this whether I want to or not. So hang in there. My path here so far has been very rocky and bumpy and a whole lot of "NO FUN" but rest assured, your husband would want you to go on and be happy. That helps me alot, anyway. Hugs to you my friend

only once and that for me will forever be enough...I would not wish this on anyone...the person that I shared everything with is gone and I feel alone at times although I do have great friends and a very broken family but I know that I will one day more forward...not sure when but it will happen...I am scared to fall in love again as this pain is something I never want to repeat...

Well Patricia...I have only been through this once but I have to say yes...I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Let me explain....yes, my husband Ira of 30 years was the love of my life. Yes, he suffered from a terrible degrading set of diseases. Yes, I was his caregiver that shouldn't have had to do or see some of the things that were necessary for his survival. Yes, he died with me by his side talking him into a beautiful pain free new adventure. And yes...I was totally crushed and devastated by his passing.

Why then would I ever....ever want to go through possibly all that again?
Well, all of my life I have lived by several mantras...
1. Nothing, but nothing ever stays the same so cherish every moment that you can.
2. Always keep positivity in your life no matter how hard it gets. This will get you through the most roughest of times (trust me)
3. When the wind doesn't blow your way...simply adjust your sails. (it works)
And last but not least....
4. Always smile even when your heart is breaking. (yes it can be done)

So...having said all of that, why would I still want to do that all again? Simply....for love....
The first time around was so damn good, why wouldn't I want more if I'm strong enough to allow myself to find it again and blessed enough that it finds me?

A favorite quote from the movie Hope Floats is,
"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up and it will..."

Yes...it's the middle that counts. And by making that middle count and be wonderful and loving and full of life, I'm willing to accept another sad end if so be it.
When I look back at my last middle with Ira....I wouldn't have not wanted it just to avoid the sad ending! I would have taken a dozen sad endings just to enjoy that very special middle! To me...it was worth it....every last second. So yes....I would do it again...it's worth the pain in the end to have been able to enjoy that wonderful middle!

So...as it turns out...I will embark on another journey of a beginning, middle and inevitably an end with open arms and welcoming smiles and a loving heart hoping that this too will result in that wondrous middle that is so enjoyable and so worth the effort.

It may sound crazy to some....but I'm just not ready to sit around and wait to die to be with Ira just yet. I loved him to the ends of the earth....but I also love myself just as much. And I'm just not ready to see this life end yet. When I look back on our life, the joy far out weighed the pain. I still have a lot of love to give and a lot of life to live. There will always be a very very special spot in my heart for Ira that no one can ever take away. But there's also room in my heart for more love that Ira would want me to enjoy. He loved me that much that he would want me to be happy in this life until we meet again in due time. Life is for the living. No one...but no one can make your life worth living except for you.
So friends....do it again? You bet! It's worth it! That joyous feeling of love trumps all pain.
May you all find happiness in what ever form works for you!

Darcie

I have known tommy since he was 14,he would ride his horse over to my house and I couldnt stand him lol.long story short,we got married when we were 20 and here it is 36 years later,4 children and 7 grandchildren later and now he is gone:( I miss him more everyday :( As of right now,I can not imagine going thur this again but I also know I do not like being alone :( so I dont know what my future holds

Golden I copied and pasted your reply. I choose happiness.

It is quite the quandary, isn't it Patricia? To chose between possibly having to go through this crazy making pain all over again or choosing to go through the rest of our years without romantic love... It is an impossible choice.

Thank goodness we don't have to make a decision any time soon.

I think that when the time is right, we'll know which way to go. Right now my gut tells me I could never do it again- but truth is- I don't know how I will feel about that in a year or two. I just know that right now, less than three months after losing the man that taught me what real, true love was all about- I can't even consider being with someone else.

When my wife was here our whole time together she would tell me when I was trying to decide on a job or whatever path to take to do what I needed to be happy.
It's only been since last August so my heart isn't strong enough yet if someone else came along. It wouldn't be fare to them I would still be comparing way too much. But later it is possible. I just know my wife is extremely happy and she would want me to be also for my time left here. I just know that it would have to be someone very understanding in that my wife will always occupy a special spot in my heart for eternity. If none can I can always get a little help from my new friends. Like you folks here.
Patricia your husband loved you and would want you to take care of yourself and be happy while your here.
Peace, Tim

I've been through it just once. I've known someone who has had all three husbands die - natural deaths. I hurt for her, but she is a positive person with a lot of faith.

I won't get married again. I like being just me. My husband is gone, but he is in my heart. I guess there isn't room for more.

Dearest Patricia.....it's still so very, very early for you on this journey. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that until just now as I looked at your profile. There's no way you could even consider another soul in your life as of now. I meant to say also how sorry I am for your loss...this is the hardest road you'll ever walk on. Know that your sweet guy is always with you to guide and protect you. And of course...you've found many helpful hands here as well. But like I've said before on this board...you never know who will cross your path or when or even why...if love is meant to be, it will happen. You can't push it or invent it or even beg for it. Believe me, it's the last thing I ever expected, wanted or was even looking for. But...here I am thanking the powers that be for sending me another angel.
Don't look for anything but keep your eyes open to everything...and always keep the faith and believe in love.
It's the strongest superpower you'll ever need.
Love and strength to you sweet lady...

Darcie

Patricia, I am so sorry for your loss. For me the first couple of months were all about surviving through the grief. Now after 14 months my thinking is clearer and i am getting used to being one again. I think about my late husband all the time, but it is getting easier. Will I ever go through this again? Probably not. Larry's cancer spread so quickly and the experience so intense, I don't think I would willingly go through it again. Family and friends are enough. I do miss the male perspective, just not enough. Take care of yourself, Patti

In the early days I would have said no, I will never marry another. The concept was unimaginable. I learned to live alone and be independent. It has it's advantages, but many downfalls too. I grew to the point of enjoying my own company and independence.

Then I met a man who I fell totally in love with and he with me. I referred to him as a gift from God and I still believe that 6 years later. I know I have no regrets being with him as I have no regrets being with my high school sweetheart that I shared 40 years married and two beautiful children with.

Life is meant to be enjoyed. Give it time to reestablish yourself as a person and see where life takes you. Sharon

Thank you all.... I know it is to early , I was just curious cause as of right now, I would say no possible way would I ever be with someone else , this is to painful, but I don't know what the future holds.
All of you are just great, I love reading from each of you.
I posted something else early and it got lost in cyber space lol
Another one of my questions :)

Sharon, your words are ringing so true for how one learns to live alone and become independent.

I was one of the lucky one's to have had a great love in my life......to live the rest of my life with the memories of what I had and what we had accomplished together is good enough for me. That said, I would NEVER turn away having friends in my life. Be they male or female.

Roz

There is no right way or wrong way - only the way that is best for you. I lost my husband of 30 years and figured that I would never have another love in my life, simply because I wasn't a sweet young thing anymore and have 2 disabled sons who live with me. As one of my kids' counselors put it, I was not "single" I was "a package." It seemed real unlikely for me. Cliff and I had talked about "what if" several times, and we always had agreed that if one of us was left behind that the other should try to find happiness and love again. It just didn't seem likely for me, so I put the question aside and concentrated on getting stronger and healing and surviving frankly. Cliff died of a heart attack, so I had become a single parent to two disabled guys overnight - it wasn't like I had nothing to do. But then I met a widower in this group and we became penpals and friends, and eventually our relationship grew as we traveled the grief path together, supporting each other.

Mark/Acuriousfish and I married 5 years ago. As he is a widower and I am a widow, we know one of us is going to have to do this again. That's a scary thought, but weighed against goodness knows how many years of loneliness as the other option, I will take my chances. I was widowed at 50; one of my grandmothers lived to 108. The thought of an entire second lifetime by myself had no allure, that's for sure. My mother never remarried or even had a boyfriend after Daddy died. She waited to die. She waited for 14 long years. It was such a waste, and I vowed I would not follow in her footsteps, whether I had another man or not, I was going to LIVE, not just wait to die and join Cliff.

To me, it does not honor my husband Cliff's memory if I make his legacy in this world that his death destroyed my life. That would have been so contrary to Cliff's philosophy and beliefs. It would be a travesty for all that we accomplished together, all we built and did for 30 years. When you love someone, you want them to be happy, not miserable. If I had died first, Cliff knew I would have wanted him to do the same.

Patricia, it is early days for you. Right now YOU have to be the priority. The question of a companion can - and should - wait. You will find your own answers to these questions in time, but right now you have to give yourself the freedom to grieve your loss. Other people may try to push you along to hurry you through it, and some may say stupid things like, "You're young, you'll find someone else." It's none of their damn business whether you do or not or if you want to or not. They are not walking in your shoes, you are.

I am sorry for the loss that brings you here, but want you to know you are welcome here.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Patricia:
You are still very early in the journey and I am so sorry for your loss. I have been in a relationship with a widower for three years now and we know that one of us will have to go through the loss again, but we have both decided that living life to the fullest is far more important..

I asked my Aunt Gayle, twice widowed in her eighties, a similar question not too long ago.
"Aunt Gayle, what happens if it all falls apart again?" She dropped words of wisdom on me.

"Kiddo, it's not an if, it's a when. It will all fall apart on you again. That's life, it's just the way it works. My life has fallen apart many different times for many different reasons. It fell apart when your grandparents died, while your Uncle Blair had cancer. It really fell apart when he died. It fell apart when your cousin had his issues. It is horrible watching your child self destruct knowing you can only do so much, that he is an adult and has to fight his own battles. It fell apart again completely when Jim died. And now I am falling apart, but it's all OK. It's what we call life. The difference is the next time it falls apart for you, you have a road map, and you know you have made the journey before. The pain is still there at the collapse, but the fear of the unknown isn't. And you realize the pain is the price we pay for having truly lived and participated in this life. And guess what? Most days I still enjoy it, even though it is a losing battle. Come see me soon, I am pretty well past my expiration date."

Hugs,
Val