Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my very first post. I have mixed emotions about engaging in a conversation about such a personal thing with people I have yet to meet. At the same time, I feel:
Relief - that anyone even took the time to read my lengthy post,
Gratitude - that so many of you took time out of busy schedules to reply or send me private messages, and finally,
Comfort - that (sadly) there are so many of you that know of and are experiencing or have experienced the personal hell I am going through right this very moment, and that just perhaps I'm not quite as alone as I thought I was just last night. I don't want to be here, but at the same time I find I like being here.
My mind has changed. I go from room-to-room not remembering why I went into the room in the first place. I forget before I get there. I obsess over-and-over in my mind everything that happened to the exclusion of other thoughts. My mind is racing. I can't stop doing things, but I can't get anything done.
I feel uncomfortable entering a room full of friends and coworkers. The room quiets for a moment as my presence makes them uncomfortable with me being there which in and of itself creates a tension that, wrongly or not, I blame myself for being the cause. I feel uncomfortable making others uncomfortable when I tell them my wife has died.
Finally, and this one surprised me, I don't see people any more. I see couples. Where I used to see people shopping, I see a husband and wife picking out new patio furniture. Where I used to only see people in a crowded restaurant, now all I see are couples and young lovers enjoying quiet conversations by themselves. Where I used to see a crowded church, I now see couples generally matched by age all worshiping together.
I see the busy family coming and going across the street, but when I look into my house, I see emptiness, save for the evidence of the hundreds of things I have yet to do. I see my wife's influences in the house, but I'll never see her again. I see myself being free, but with no place to go.
Relief - that anyone even took the time to read my lengthy post,
Gratitude - that so many of you took time out of busy schedules to reply or send me private messages, and finally,
Comfort - that (sadly) there are so many of you that know of and are experiencing or have experienced the personal hell I am going through right this very moment, and that just perhaps I'm not quite as alone as I thought I was just last night. I don't want to be here, but at the same time I find I like being here.
My mind has changed. I go from room-to-room not remembering why I went into the room in the first place. I forget before I get there. I obsess over-and-over in my mind everything that happened to the exclusion of other thoughts. My mind is racing. I can't stop doing things, but I can't get anything done.
I feel uncomfortable entering a room full of friends and coworkers. The room quiets for a moment as my presence makes them uncomfortable with me being there which in and of itself creates a tension that, wrongly or not, I blame myself for being the cause. I feel uncomfortable making others uncomfortable when I tell them my wife has died.
Finally, and this one surprised me, I don't see people any more. I see couples. Where I used to see people shopping, I see a husband and wife picking out new patio furniture. Where I used to only see people in a crowded restaurant, now all I see are couples and young lovers enjoying quiet conversations by themselves. Where I used to see a crowded church, I now see couples generally matched by age all worshiping together.
I see the busy family coming and going across the street, but when I look into my house, I see emptiness, save for the evidence of the hundreds of things I have yet to do. I see my wife's influences in the house, but I'll never see her again. I see myself being free, but with no place to go.
We have a large family and there are so many couples. I even have my oldest daughter and her husband living here for another week and half and I find that bothers me as they are a COUPLE... I go to church and it seems like it's all couples and not just young couples but older ones, I went to 2 different doctors appts and hospital apt and I all I saw was couples, then shopping and it was like it was all couples.
I started thinking it was only a few months ago Bob and I were one of those couples and now it is just me!!!! ...
I know there are many singles out there BUT just strange how we see things at a time like this...
Glad you found this site and there are many wonderful caring and sharing people here to help with we are not alone...
Hugs, Sandi
You will continue to question and search, so always feel free to come here and rant, shout, cry - it does help and people here don't judge, but truly understand. Best wishes John
It has been 5 years for me, and if I can avoid the subject of my husband dying, I will and I do. Am not comfortable talking about it or announcing my status unless I am asked. That's just me and what makes me feel good or better about myself.
And talk about the mind changing? Please. Being absent of mind still exists and unsure if it will ever improve. That problem didn't start until after my husband's passing. I have learned to deal with it, and accept it as being part of the new me.
The empty feeling in the home was awful. It has since been repaired with the adoption of a loving cat. Not a replacement, mind you, but a substitute for bringing life, love and affection back into the home. She has made a huge difference for me.
Hope I have not been too long winded and of some help. I care.
If you receive any invitations for coffee, hot dogs or whatever, GO. I made myself do this from the beginning - not that I was in great demand socially. If your church has a grief support group - or any church in your area - many DS members say they have been helped by these. The hospice organization also has these groups - no charge.
May God bless and comfort you,
Doye
I'd like to repeat 2 things that Doye said in a response in this thread:
If you are invited out for coffee, lunch, whatever . . . GO. You can spend as much or as little time as you feel comfortable, but do go.
Check out support groups in your area. Through griefshare.org, several people here (including me) have found wonderful groups. If you do find one, attend a few sessions (not just one) before deciding if it's a good fit.
And please come here to DS often ... to post or just to read.
Wishing you peace on this most difficult journey . . .
We all grieve differently yet the same at different times. It truly is a roller coaster of emotions. Personally, I don't think it ever really gets better just more manageable-and that's okay! Whenever I have a good moment or even a day (occasionally) I try to hang on to it.
I love DS for all their support, encouragement and love. I am sadden that you have to be here but glad you found here and hope it helps you as much as it does me. Prayers of comfort-Jewley
What you're feeling is, sadly, normal. The feeling of being a zoo specimen will pass, although it's maddening, I know. And re the pacing. I said once, a while back, "it's like being on speed in a straightjacket" (and that was a quote from a fellow widow). It was pretty much spot on, you know? Hugs, marsha
I still experience couple envy but in a kinder gentler way. I don't have the urge to lecture them all on what really matters any more. It's enough that I learned that lesson. Too late to apply it, but still.
Hang in there. ((())) Sue