It's a battle you can't win. They don't understand the devastating effects of the loss of intimacy between you and your husband. You certainly can't minimize their pain, but it is different. Try not to compare your grief with theirs and do acknowledge their pain. As for selling your house? Don't do anything you don't want to do. You might just say it's something you'll consider in the future and leave it at that. That way, they'll feel you're at least listening. I think they just want to share their grief with you and be closer. I know what it's like to want to be the sole possessor of our grief. But we're not--others are affected and we sometimes don't realize just how much.

I agree with Stixx in that you should not sell your house till you are ready. You will know when the time is right. Now is the time to nurture yourself. One thing that has helped me is grief support group. Perhaps you can find one in your area. Hospice offers free support groups even if you did not use their services. It helps to be with others who have lost their husbands / wives.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I have lost my dad...that happened last year and my husband this June. I knew last year and more acutely know now that losing a spouse is different than losing a parent. I knew last year it was different for mom because she was with dad every day...she lived with him. I did not see my dad every day beyond the total difference in the type of relationship. You were one with your husband...that puts the loss on a different level. Their loss is devastating but their day to day life did not change like yours did. Although I realized this last year I am even more aware now how different the loss is as I lost my love. My life completely changed and life sucks to put it blundtly. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

There is nothing wrong with you at all. I lost my dad when I was 22 and I can still remember all these years later how devastating that was. But it is a different kind of grief. Your entire family has lost someone precious and integral to you all but each one of you had a different relationship and that makes the grief different. Don't be upset with your girls, I think when in the middle of grief it is sometimes hard to see past your own pain. I don't think they mean to minimize your pain. I'm so very sorry for this added stress. This should not be a contest of who hurts more because at the end of the day, everyone loses. Take care of yourself. Xo

Well you are correct, and hopefully your daughters will not know the difference for a very long time ( they would have to lose their spouse for them to understand ).

So I would not try to convince them otherwise, just say everyone is different.

As far as moving - only do things you are comfortable with. Moving closer to them might be the better thing for all of you, but you have to figure it out. I'm sure your kids want what is best for you - they might not really know what's best.

Nothing is wrong with you. You are still struggling with rebalancing an entire new life as many of us are. I'm at six months, and I have nothing figured out yet. Adult children have gone on with their lives. I'm not saying it isn't a devastating loss for them. The life of a widow/widower has just stopped and unraveled. I don't think anyone can measure grief and say that one's pain is greater over the other. It's much too subjective for that. Ever since my husband passed, different relatives say I should move closer to THEM. Well so far nobody has offered to uproot themselves and move closer to ME. I tell them that this is my home. In pondering and praying on whether I should move or not (and it was too soon anyway) I came to this realization: there was good reason that Will and I were delivered to this area, and moving back would be leaving an area I (we, but just me now) loved so well, only to return to what I didn't like in the first place. When a decision is right, you will know it. In the meantime, we all need to enjoy what we do have and have faith that tomorrow will take care of itself. God bless.

"because they say that's what Dad would want"

Those are manipulating words, the attachment of puppet "strings" feeling.

Please keep what is "best" for you first.

Grief takes time...sometimes, alone time is exactly what we need, to get to acceptance. The privacy and crying time not squelched by others.

Gentle hugs and support for you today.
Jewells.

Eeeesh!
Any time I heard such comparisons I felt chastized, dismissed, belittled, trvialized, resentful ...
I finally had to start saying "This is not a COMPETITION!" ...
Defining the word "cathexis" regarding my relationship/marriage was one that also shut people down ...
I got that attitude from relatives, friends, friend's parents, etc ...
I recall my first Thanksgiving (5 months out) when my girlfriend's mother kept telling me in many round about ways that the loss of her 92yo sister was much harder b/c she had her longer than I had my husband ...
It was as to if to say "you choose to grieve b/c a husband can be replaced" - "a blood tie can never be replaced" ...
Defining the word "cathexis" regarding my relationship/marriage was one that also shut people down ...

I also heard alot of "Bob would want you to be happy or do this or that or the other" ...
Who gave them the right to speak for Bob? ...
How did these people know what Bob wanted for me? ...
Was Bob calling or sending messages to them instead of me? ...
The man was my husband not theirs ...
It only caused me guilt, more crying, anger & resentment for their manipulations ...

Close offspring tend to be dependent one way or another no matter their age, education, life experience, etc ...
They look to us to fix their boo boos like rebellious teenagers - screaming or demanding/steadfast ....
At this point, we are looked at like their tower of strength; other times they know everything & know what we should do ...
You might want to consider suggesting on line or in person support (Grief Share or hospice) for their needs ...
This might be very helpful in having the space to grieve & care for yourself ...

They may want you to move closer to help them feel more secure, but this is a decision only you can make for yourself ...
While it might also be more convenient for them, they will still have to help themselves by learning to cope w/their father's death ...

Don't worry about hurting their feelings ...
They have eachother & their spouses for support including other resources they can look into ...
In time, you & your family will heal to become whole again ...
It's you that matters right now ...
Hope this is helpful ...

[[[HUGS]]]

Dotconnector - holy cats, had to look that up, lol

In psychoanalysis, cathexis is defined as the process of investment of mental or emotional energy in a person, object, or idea.

Send them a copy of "A Unique and Devastaing Loss" They are grieving true enough, but it is not the same as in a mate, your other half. When two be come one...
and one passes. The pain and fear is on so many levels.

This was my aha moment when I came here thinking why am I in so much pain still?

Wrote by wifeless. it shows the pain that is different for our heart.

http://www.ywbb.org/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=903666

cathexis is defined as the process of investment of mental or emotional energy in a person, object, or idea.

Yep. Ourselves our hearts, our dreams, future, etc., invested in our spouse.

Look up "Sophrosyne" ... (so-frau-sin-e) ...
A powerful word as well ... *wink*

I would resist their efforts to get you to sell the house strenuously. Tell them you will not make any major decisions like that for at least a year. That is the common wisdom - that you should wait a year before making any major changes and decisions like that.

When my father died, I knew that my mother's loss was very different from mine. I am surprised that your daughters haven't grasped that. Maybe ask them to imagine their husbands being gone forever.

There is nothing "wrong" with you. You are grieving, and doing as you should be doing in any reasonable person's eyes. If your daughters have issues, then they are your daughter's issues, not yours. I would suggest they seek counseling, or at least speak with a hospice person. I think your kids are out of line. They may mean well, but they are not helping you by doing this.

Just my two cents....

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Just promise us you won't be manipulated or bullied into doing anything you don't truly want to do. I hate it when people try to get their own way and take advantage of someone in a vulnerable state with emotional blackmail.
When I am in a really pissy mood and someone says "Bill would want you to......" I say "Well I guess he should have stuck around then."

Just say no to thugs.

Thank you for your comments. I don't know how to get through this without having such special people that I can vent to and knowing that you really understand since we are all on this horrible journey. Thank you again.