My husband died at home so I never left, but I did sleep in the livingroom on the couch with the tv on. Not that I could watch it, but it played in the background. I spent hours on DS at night, sometimes all night. I couldn't lay in our bedroom, it was too painful. I could see his hospital bed for months after they removed it. Finally, I cleared out the livingroom and got my nephew to paint it pink. I ventured out to buy frilly curtains and a spread and created "my" room. Had a lamp and table with books and stuffed the livingroom furniture in what was our bedroom and closed the door. That room became my haven with my computer, tv, and assortment of books.

It was years later I gave my daughter and SIL the furniture from the livingroom. My SIL took down walls to make an arch and french doors in our old bedroom. I went out and bought new livingroom furniture and suddenly this felt like my home. These steps came slowly, as I was ready to make them, but it represented my future as an independent woman.

I should explain I never lived alone before or in an apartment. I moved from my parents home to my husband and my married life. It was a big step for me and I was so proud of what I had created. Sharon

Kaye, you are so lucky to have such caring, loving families. But I do understand what you mean, about needing alone time to grieve. It will be 6 months tomorrow, and today has been so hard. We were married 48 years.

This, being alone 24/7 isn't doing good either. I have been upset and crying all day. And there is a mouse in my house..!!!!

so sorry for your loss,Kaye...and No unfortunately at 4-1/2 mo's things don't get any easier but usually get worse as the numbness wares off and reality sets in. I know for me that was around 3-1/2 - 4 months when the reality hit me like a ton of bricks.There is no substitute for being able to grieve alone, as hard as it is I believe it is part of the healing process. I think it's great that your daughters want to continue supporting you with the living arrangement but as you say it is a personal journey we need to make on our own and there are other ways family and friends can help.I was different as I had to always be home, in fact i couldn't leave the house for many months, but I stopped sleeping in our bed after the first month as it hurt too much. Till today, 14 months later, i still sleep in the guest room. I wish you some peace through this painful journey, knowing you have family who love you and DS friends who care, Blessings Bernard

Don't you just love them!... It may also have to do with fear, you are now their only parent. But you are right your grief and loss is different than theirs, they lost "dad". You lost mate, and all that goes with it. It was always the plan to raise them well and for them to fly on their own. Then you two sit back in a rocking chair waiting for the grands to show up. At peace with each other again as in the beginning. Children forget that your love started before they were born, so some things are yours alone. Have this talk with them if you haven't already and set a plan for visits, so they feel they didn't loose both of you. Hugs , rest and take care of you.

Actually being alone in your space might help.
After passed my mom wanted me to stay with her, I couldn't leave our house. At times after the funeral I slept in one of the guest rooms sometimes. Then changed out the furniture in our room and hung up some new pictures and its more comfortable. Still don't sleep good, it will be 6 months Monday.
Good luck being on your own.

To sandee ...stare at the mouse until he gets uncomfortable and leaves. ( John always set the traps)

Thank you all for your replies. I am so thankful for your support, it's so hard to talk to people that have not gone through such a devastating loss. I never thought I would be a widow at 57 and not knowing what to do with the rest of my life. We had so many plans but they were all plans we had together.

jewells... I sat the traps, then even in his power chair, he would take them up for me, About a month ago, one drowned in my washer, I had to wait for someone to stop by, to get him out. Its so wet here, with flood watches and warnings, they are coming in to stay dry.

Kaye I am so sorry for your loss & I completely understand where your coming from, I am also a widow at 52, we were married for 29 yrs & I feel so cheated out of growing old together! Its been 9 months yesterday that I lost my husband & at 41/2 months I also hated being home alone, our 20 yr old daughter still lives with me & even though I would never say anything to her I hated when she would go out for the evening & leave me alone, thankfully that has passed & in time it will for you to & like you I could barely even stand to go in our bedroom let alone sleep in there, the couch with the TV on all night became my new comfort zone for about the 1st 6mos, then one day I just felt it was time to return to our bedroom so I went out & bought all new bedding, put a few scented candles I like around the room & went back to bed, I cried the first few nights but it slowly got easier & now I actually feel closest to my husband when Im in our bed, now when I turn the lights off before going off to sleep I talk to him for a few mins, tell him I love him & to watch over us through the night. peace & blessings to you.....Kim

My husband died at home also. For about the last six weeks he was here he slept in the living room. At first his recliner then to the hospital bed. I slept in there with him either in my recliner or I put a mattress on the floor. After he passed away I stayed in my living room for almost two months. Then one day I said its time and I did it. I slept in my bed. I had many sleepless nights for a while. My husband was 53 when he passed away. We were married for 26 1/2 years. And we have 6 children together. I do still have two home. Which does help. They are teens. But does not always help the emptiness or loneliness that goes with this tragedy. We all have to do what is right for us and at our own pace. God Bless Susan

Kaye, I am sorry for your loss. When I lost my husband I had one of our friends come and stay with me. He had to go home after the service. I have been in his home ever sense. It has helped me with my grieving I know that my husband is no longer in pain and I have a guardian angel watching out for me. Yes, you feel alone in your house but always remember what it was like when he was alive and the happiness you both had together. You are lucky to have such loving kids. They will have to come and help you eventually.

I didn't think I would be able to sleep in our bed anymore, at least for a long time. My first night here without family around I decided I would try to sleep in the bed. I automatically went and slept on my wife's side of the bed, and have been doing so ever since.

I honestly did not feel I would be able to be here alone. My extended family did offer to take me in when I need to be around people. But I am here, trying my best. I know I have a lot of things that I need to do around the house. I know there are things my wife would want me to do, but these things will take some time to do.

I have had family members stay here from time to time, but I do feel I am able to grieve, to be myself, and not feel I have to hide my emotions when I am here with no family around me.

For me, I am at 4 months tomorrow. I have slept in our bed everynight. He died on my side of the bed, laying on his side, I sat next to him in a chair I had brought in. The chair was removed almost immediately. I put one of his tshirts on my pillow as a pillowcase and rolled up his leather bomber jacket and put it next to me. Sometimes if I wake up laying on my side I think about him there, dying. I've thought about moving to the guest room, but it wouldn't be right, I've slept in our room for 15 years. I will admit that I often let myself fall asleep on the couch with the television turned on and then get up and go to bed. Instead of staying with others, our son, age 30 had moved in temporarily before his dad got sick and stayed with me for about 6 weeks afterwards. I could not have survived without him here to run my errands and bring me food and cigarettes.

I also barely leave my house. It is where I feel most safe. Next weekend I am going outa town for about 24 hours and already stressing about it. I spoke with a cousin the other day, he lost his wife last year, and he can't stand to be alone in his house. To each his own. My home is getting a little dirty, I live in the country and the dust is amazing, I also have two indoor/outdoor animals so lots of hair. I see no reason to clean.

Kaye, Im also a widow at 57 and my husband and I were married for 38 years. I spent the first couple of weeks at my son and DILs house, but then I really needed to be home. Just like another person mentioned, I also feel closest to my husband when Im in bed at night. I talk with him, discuss my day, and think about tomorrow. Also, our dog, Sammy, now sleeps in bed with me every night. It really helps having him there next to me. Good luck and God bless you. Susana

I had my son & his family with me the first 2 weeks then I got a dog. The dog made the house feel like I was not alone anymore. He has been my biggest help with aloneness. If you don't have a pet get one.
Keep the tv or a radio on also.

Good luck, it will be fine soon.