Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I wrote before stating I came back after leaving for awhile. I don't say much but I read all the post and they break my heart for each and everyone of you. I came back because even though I lost my husband 6 years ago I still miss him I still like to think about him and talk about him but my children do not and my friends do not... here I can if I want with no judgements. I have a nice apartment but I do not yet feel it is home do to my signature missing on an important paper they took my house so I had to leave not by choice. I loved my first apartment but my kids thought this one was more suitable for my age and nearness to them and it is... so I will learn to like it..I hope! I have a job that is physically and mentally demanding but though at times I get to attached to the patients and when they pass it hurts a lot I love working! But I still miss my husband I reached acceptance and have made a life on my own that is okay! Seems everybody thinks because of this I should not talk about him or the past but I like to he was real and I miss him. I guess my problem is I have not figured out the loneliness thing. It has however gotten better as the years pass and the pain is just a dull ache most of the time. I feel the need to be here where I can journal and speak of my life with my husband without people thinking something is wrong with me.
I've experienced the same sort of strange ideas of what healing is suppose to be like or look like ...
Friends have questioned me & I have questioned them ...
Somehow they thought once I healed I would never talk about Bob ever again ...
And if I did, it was an indication that I was backsliding - prevent me from looking for a new partner ...
What I explained was that you never forget - some chose not to talk about their deceased while others simply talk about their loved one w/out any hang ups ...
Certainly, a new husband can fill in the companion space emptied by their death, but so can friends, family & love for one's self ...
Now I just tell them to get over it ... *wink*
My kids & I openly talk about Dad ... (ages 17, 19 & 38 + 12 yo granddaughter) ...
I tell the kids "us-Bob & I" stories before & after they were born ...
Every once in awhile they will have a hiccup - a reminder of my grief - the look of their mother as an empty shell/zombie ...
Their fear of grieving again when I die or a highly irrational thought of me returning to grief ...
We no longer discuss it not even when I see it on their face ...
I simply say: "I plan on moving in w/each of you on a yearly rotating basis so I can boss you around, tell you how to live, interfere w/your parenting & marriage, mess up your routine, etc, etc, etc" ...
That gets them protesting immediately ... LOL!
I haven't experienced a death in 5 years ...
I think for myself just working outside the home would've compounded my grief/hampered my healing ...
This is not to say that you should change jobs or quit working, it is about what I know about myself ...
I did everything I could to avoid people b/c I continued to feel battered & bruised whenever I tried to engage; I was far too sensitive & angry ...
For myself, I believe the isolation was good at the time - it gave me the time & opportunity for Bob to grow spiritually in my heart to fill up the emptiness & also to resolve many issues ...
I think about him as I go about living, not as often or in a torturous manner - it's all good now ...
You might want to try poking fun at your kids & see if it helps you ...
*smile*
[[[HUGS]]]
I talk about my husband and the man I'm with talks about his wife.
We both were married forty years and raised children with our spouses
so it works for us.
Here's the place where we all talk about our spouses so we will be happy to hear you're sharing. Sharon
Levels Of Loss Experienced By A Person
Who Is Bereaved And/Or Divorced by Dorothy Levesque]
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It is often difficult for the family and friends of an individual who has recently experienced the loss of a loved one (whether through death or through divorce) to understand why the grieving process lasts so long. Family and friends want to see their loved one be happy and 'get on with life.' It is, therefore, important to be aware of the many levels of loss. This awareness may help the grieving person, as well as others who care about this individual, be more patient and more gentle during the time (often at least two to five years) of grief.
1.LOSS OF A LOVED ONE: this level of loss is very obvious; consequently, many think it is the only level of loss.
2.LOSS OF A LARGE CHUNK OF SELF: the part of self that was given to the other person in love; at death or divorce, this part of self seems to be violently wrenched from one's being.
3.LOSS OF IDENTITY: often at times an individual identifies self by the 'roles of service' used in a relationship; when the other person is no longer present and the role no longer played, the individual often loses the feeling of wholeness.
4.LOSS OF SELF CONFIDENCE: because a grieving person doesn't recognize his/her personal wholeness, the feeling of inadequacy of not being able to do anything right is often very strong.
5.LOSS OF CHOSEN LIFE STYLE: divorce/death FORCE a person to begin a new way of life; in marrying, a person CHOOSES to be married. Even when, for very good reasons, a person must leave a spouse, the person does NOT willingly choose to be single again.
6.LOSS OF SECURITY: because of the new life style, the grieving person doesn't know what will happen next or how he/she will emotionally react or respond to what will happen.
7.LOSS OF FEELING SAFE: the grieving person feels exposed to the cold winds of life and feels very vulnerable.
8.LOSS OF A KNOWN FAMILY STRUCTURE: death/divorce instantly changes the composition of a person's family thus creating another level of adjustment that must be faced.
9.LOSS OF KNOWN PARENTING SYSTEM: no matter what age one's children are, the pressures of parenting shift and new stress is added.
10.LOSS OF THE FAMILIAR MANNER OF RELATING TO/WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS: the interests of the grieving person change and, of course, sadness and anger are often evident. Because of this, family and friends frequently do not know how to respond and, therefore, avoid the individual.
11.LOSS OF THE PAST: new acquaintances and new friends can be very supportive and accepting but they do not have a sense of the individual's past journey of his/her history.
12.LOSS OF THE FUTURE: it is frightening for a person in grief to think ahead to think of next year or next week; there is a fear that whatever future there is will be as painful as the present moment.
13.LOSS OF DIRECTION: the individual doesn't seem to have a purpose in life any more: nothing seems to matter.
14.LOSS OF DREAMS: all plans for 'spending the rest of my life with the person I love' violently disappear.
15.LOSS OF TRUST: because of the intense levels of loss and deep insecurities, it becomes very difficult for the individual to trust self; trusting anyone else is impossible for a long period of time.
16.LOSS OF SHARING WITH A LOVED ONE: to many, the spouse was also the best friend a confidante. Consequently, there is no one to listen to the little nothings (and the big events) of day to day living.
17.LOSS OF THE ABILITY TO FOCUS: the grieving person's entire being is so affected by the loss that it becomes difficult to focus on what seem to be the 'non-essentials' of the rest of life.
18.LOSS OF ABILITY TO SEE CHOICES: since the new life style was not a choice, there is a sub-conscious feeling that the individual has no control over his/her life.
19.LOSS OF ABILITY TO MAKE DECISIONS: because of the existing insecurity and lack of self-trust, the individual asks everyone 'what should I do?' and then becomes more confused because everyone gives a different answer.
20.LOSS OF SENSE OF HUMOUR: when the most important person in one's life is no longer around, nothing seems to be funny.
21.LOSS OF HEALTH: the strain of the emotional and psychological work often causes physical problems such as nausea, migraine, headaches, forming muscle knots, back problems, etc.
22.LOSS OF INNER HAPPINESS/JOY: because so many individuals look outside themselves for a source of inner happiness, it takes a long time before an individual is able to recognize God in self as the real source of true joy.
23.LOSS OF PATIENCE WITH SELF: the grieving person wants to feel better NOW and therefore feels inadequate when the feelings of grief last for the normal grieving period of two to five years.
It is important to note that some individuals may experience some levels of loss that are not mentioned in this list. Some of the levels mentioned may be levels not experienced by an individual. This list is presented as a means of helping the grieving person (as well as the grieving person's friends and relatives) understand why nothing can replace the grieving process the period of time it takes for the wound of loss to become a scar for the darkness of grief to become the light of life!
Hugs,
Ron
The reasons for divorce, unfortunately include "To save your own life"
in that way, they are much different on all levels pretty much.
Some divorce because they were stifled by a partner. Very often that is a reason for "irreconcilable differences"
For me I then found my second husband, my grieving of both is completely different.
@Ron - I really appreciate you coming by and posting that - it is so true! Marsha once described grief as being like an onion as it has so many layers, and that list covered a lot of the layers, and I have felt all of them, and a few more, too.... Thanks for sharing that.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Thanx again for posting, Ron......
For me, it is 4 1/2 years, and I feel many of the same feelings that you do. I try to mention my husband every day to our children, wanting to keep him and his memory alive, but they do not always feel like talking about him as I do. Now, I accept that they grieve in their own way. I maintain a page on Facebook, and he had many flowers and plants, which I have kept alive, so I post them often, which, to me, is a way to honor his memory. I still cry for him, as I am sure many of you do too, but accept that this new normal is here to stay. Lespreludes.
All my family, including my extended family feel at ease with bringing my wife into conversation, they all know how much she means to me, and how much she was loved and continues to be loved by all of them.
We can't keep walking on eggshells for the approval of others when it makes us unhappy, we have to think about ourselves and be open to what we want to say, and to do what we want to do.