Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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tkmeaway
tkmeaway
I joined a few days ago and have read a lot of the discussions on here. To be honest, I feel worse than I did before I joined. My husband, Charlie, passed on July18th of this year. He died of lung cancer, diagnosed the late part of Feb. I cried a lot during his treatment and especially the last 9 days he was in hospice. We were married just shy of 16 years and were together 19. The first month after his death I was like a lot of others on here...the grief was overwhelming but I have gotten back to going out with friends for dinner, outdoor concerts and day trips. Don't get me wrong I loved my husband so I don't know why I'm able to get on so much quicker than others. I told a friend last night about this and she told me she thought maybe you have to be married longer, that she didn't think he was the love of my life, "don't get me wrong I know you liked him, probably loved him but he wasn't your sole mate." If she wouldn't have been on the phone with me I probably would have slapped her. Yes we had some bad times....but we had a lot of good times too. So first I felt bad because I wasn't having as hard as time as a lot on here and then have a good friend tell me what she said. Seems like I took a few steps back the last couple of days.
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
I am so sorry. My sister talks to me that way. We were together 48 years. Her husband passed 18 months before mine. You would think she would understand. She doesn't.. I don't think anyone understands your circumstances. Everyone is different. You think they would learn to keep their mouths shut... Sandee
KimKos
KimKos
I am sorry for what your going through...what a thoughtless thing to say. No one knows what he meant to you but YOU..I am so sorry for your loss. On the subject of soul mates..I wonder sometimes if my husband was mine...do I even know what that is...sometimes we can read too much into what others write or say ..so for ME I sometimes compare my grief journey to someone else and I am learning to stop that..I am learning to be a good friend to me..I try to give myself the advice that I would give someone else that I care about...now if I would only listen to it....sending you a hug
cdameron
cdameron
tk,

I am sure you have read on here, in many posts, we all grieve differently on this journey, there is no set path. You are grieving the way you need to and that is the way it should be.

Don't let anyone else try to tell you how you should grieve, or why you are grieving or that you should be grieving in a particular way.

With Grief, there is no right or wrong way to do it, just your way.

I to was able to go out with friends and family about 4 months after my wife passed, I questioned this at the time, but had no answer, now 11 months since her passsing, I am unable to do those things anylonger, I believe it was just my minds coping mechanizim.

I am sorry thta your friend felt it was her place to speak such things to you.
dschwartz
dschwartz
First off . . I'm so very sorry for your recent loss. I, also, can understand that in reading others' stories here and comparing your journey, might make you feel worse, rather than better. This happens to a lot of people. For many, this forum helps . . yet, for others, it increases their pain. We all walk this grief journey differently. If you are able to get out and continue on with your life, why not? I think it's wonderful. It doesn't mean you loved your husband any less. As for your friend's remark . . ah well, stupid is as stupid does. Let it go and keep it moving. I wish you all the best in forward momentum and again, my deepest condolences. Hugs, Dayna
deleted_user
deleted_user
Let me tell you.....I've seen and heard it all. I've had family and friends who have said, "get over it!" - "men like women like you, you should start dating!" - "you should get out more!" And, on and on!

One day I feel so strong and capable and then the next day I feel like a lump!!!

Remember: Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are!

YOU need time and YOU need to be kind to you.

Your love for your mate is uniquely yours. It doesn't have to be like anybody else's. And, to compare it to someone else's love is totally unfair to you and to him. Cherish what you had, don't question it and don't play the blame game. It will get you nowhere!

Gentle loving thoughts to you,
Roz
wendimac
wendimac
I'm so sorry for your loss...everyone grieves differently, some are able to get up and at it quicker than others, but it doesn't mean anything...different strokes for different folks..and your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend to say something that hurtful to you at all, but especially right now.... Those who haven't been through it will never understand, no matter how you try to explain.
I know the torment of watching your soul mate struggle and pass..my husband had liver disease...his liver failed due to cirrhosis and he was gone only 2 months after diagnosis...that was 5 1/2 months ago...again, I am so sorry for your loss...this site is really good for just coming and reading, venting, whatever you need to do...the people here are compassionate, understanding, and most of all, know and understand what you are going through...because they are going through it with you..
tkmeaway
tkmeaway
I would like to thank everyone for their kind words and support. The conversation with my friend has played over and over in my head today. I do have a prescription for anxiety and broke down and took to try and get a grip. Reading everyone's responses has helped tremendously. Thank you again for hour kind words and I am truly sorry each and everyone of you have to got through this too.

Marillyn
npc4204
npc4204
Marilyn, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your friend made a very insensitive remark. I think we've all experienced that, I know I have.
Don't let those things bother you.
Some people get tongue tied and nervous among widows/widowers, and they don't realize what they're saying.

Everyone has their own timeline for grief. So don't compare yourself to anyone else.

Hugs,
Janie
scottito
scottito
I think I read a very descriptive phrase on this site a month or so ago - "village idiots". We all have them. One of my wife's sister's tried to tell me and then her/our son that she had more right to grieve than us because she knew Juanita longer than we did. Long story, but she has been eliminated from both our address books for a whole lot of outrageous reasons. With some, we keep forgiving them and praying for them, but if you're wise, you'll love them from a distance. Drama is the last thing I need right now. ~ Scott
hiskim
hiskim
I'm very sorry for your loss. My husband died of lung cancer also along with other problems. Your friend is the biggest village idiot! Sheesh! Hugs, Kim
loveddogs
loveddogs
Maryllyn, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't believe your so called "Friend" would be so cruel to say something like that. This is a journey and the grief comes in waves often unexpected. I may be fine one day, but the next I am a blubbering idiot. Those on this site are my lifeline. I would not have made it this far without them. And yes, I come away very saddedned at times, for the loss of others and for my own. The tears come, but holding them in does more harm, just my opinion. Also, though, I find inspiration, guidance, love and support here. No two of us are alike, yet we have so many similarities, most of all, we love our mates and are now in pain. Searching for everything. Hang in there with us, hugs and love, Michele
lmj90
lmj90
This too has become my life line. Don't be hard on yourself for getting out and feeling better. Everyone handles things differently that doesn't mean you didn't love him, and it doesn't mean you are not missing him. Its ok what ever makes you feel better is what you should do. Some one already said it but no one had the same relationship with your husband as you did. I sometimes forget that others lost my husband too. Yet no one feels what I do and most see it as though I should be better and move on. NOPE my heart and mind are not ready. Keep doing what YOU feel is right for YOU. I am sorry for your loss.
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