Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hi everyone! I hope everyone is doing the best they can and getting through each day. I haven't made it on in a little while. My son has started 2nd grade and football, which takes up 3 nights a week plus games on Saturdays. He's really enjoying it though! Brad was teaching him about the game and how to play just before he passed. They go their numbers on Thursday and my son will be #34 :) I really wanted it to have something to do with Brad (we didn't get to pick their numbers) and 34 is how old he was when he passed.
Tonight I started thinking and suddenly I realized I don't know who I am anymore. Who is "Erin"? When I met Brad I was an energetic 22 year old single mom, waitress, and manager who in reality acted as though she was still 17. I wasn't totally out of control or anything, but I still had a lot of growing up to do. I was also pretty well known at the sports bar I worked at. I had been there for 5 years and worked my way up from a hostess to working management shifts. I did it all and I knew that business like the back of my hand, I loved it. I was good at it and I loved being "the go to girl". Then I met Brad. I was getting burnt out on the bar and after about a year he got me to quit and start working somewhere else that had more convenient hours. He taught me so much about life, love, and being a good parent. In 5 years the girl he met in the bar at 22 had grown into a 26 year old wife and excellent mother/stepmother who even with a full time office job managed to take care of her family and be great at her job too. I was able to juggle it all. But I was "Brad's wife" and Mom to two great kids, thats who I was and thats all I had ever wanted to be, Of any title or role I've had in life this was my favorite. I was so proud to be that person, proud of Brad and our kids. It made me feel special, like I was somebody. Today I don't know who I am. Even though I'm still mom, I don't feel like I use to. I don't have that sense of knowing exactly what my role in this life is anymore. I don't feel like "somebody" now, or special at all. I just feel lost and that I'm merely coasting through each day. I was 150% convinced that my purpose in life was to take care of my family, him and our two kids. So now that half of that is gone I just feel useless really. I know I have my son to take care of and I do. He's the only thing that keeps me going. But who am I? I just can't figure it out.
Has anyone else gone through this total loss of identity and purpose?
Tonight I started thinking and suddenly I realized I don't know who I am anymore. Who is "Erin"? When I met Brad I was an energetic 22 year old single mom, waitress, and manager who in reality acted as though she was still 17. I wasn't totally out of control or anything, but I still had a lot of growing up to do. I was also pretty well known at the sports bar I worked at. I had been there for 5 years and worked my way up from a hostess to working management shifts. I did it all and I knew that business like the back of my hand, I loved it. I was good at it and I loved being "the go to girl". Then I met Brad. I was getting burnt out on the bar and after about a year he got me to quit and start working somewhere else that had more convenient hours. He taught me so much about life, love, and being a good parent. In 5 years the girl he met in the bar at 22 had grown into a 26 year old wife and excellent mother/stepmother who even with a full time office job managed to take care of her family and be great at her job too. I was able to juggle it all. But I was "Brad's wife" and Mom to two great kids, thats who I was and thats all I had ever wanted to be, Of any title or role I've had in life this was my favorite. I was so proud to be that person, proud of Brad and our kids. It made me feel special, like I was somebody. Today I don't know who I am. Even though I'm still mom, I don't feel like I use to. I don't have that sense of knowing exactly what my role in this life is anymore. I don't feel like "somebody" now, or special at all. I just feel lost and that I'm merely coasting through each day. I was 150% convinced that my purpose in life was to take care of my family, him and our two kids. So now that half of that is gone I just feel useless really. I know I have my son to take care of and I do. He's the only thing that keeps me going. But who am I? I just can't figure it out.
Has anyone else gone through this total loss of identity and purpose?
We both made each other better people and had such a great time together as well.
He was my rock and now I feel lost at sea without a rudder. What I was before Martin is still there and is getting me through, but what I miss is all the extra joy, peace and soul and spirit comfort he added. I miss him and I miss us.
I am still doing stuff and working and getting through the day but there is no energy or joy or optimism (all things we had in abundance).
I do believe though that if we actively choose to live rather than just exist we will find a new direction eventually.
What does the future hold? Beats me but I am hoping with all my heart that we all will come to find our selves, our new lives and a new purpose in time.
Sandy
And now, 5 years later, I am not the girl he married. His death completely changed my life, and me. Even though I wish it had never happened, I am a stronger person now, and there is very little I am afraid of.
But, who am I? I am still his wife and always will be. I am still married in my heart. However, I am healed now and enjoy a full, active life. The only thing that would complete it would be him.
I go to work, I eat, I sleep, I go to the market [something he always did] but I still have no idea who that person is who's looking back at me in the mirror!
You nailed it, Sandy V1 - no joy or optimsm . Some days the problems just seem to overwhelm me and I can't wait for night when I can just hide..
Who are you? Your still the child you were when you were a toddler. You grew into a young lady or gentleman and grew into the world as an individual. You will now change again into a stronger more independent person who can make independent decisions where you made them together before. You will find talents you never used and you will find things about you you never realized.
When my husband died I had to honor the life we had for a time that varieties for each of us. Then I began the discovery of what the rest of my life would be. Sharon