oh girl, I still find myself doing that now,, it just need to see his face, read his message, I need that to connect with him. I hope you have a good day.

Allie,
I do it because I need CLOSURE! I need to face the reality of the loss of him. I need to listen to his voice, read his messages, letters and cards. I NEED to understand that this is the end of them.....there will be NO MORE!

I'm feeling stronger and stronger along with sadder and sadder. I know it sounds so weird to say this but it's how I'm healing. It's part of the process for me. With each tear and sad remembrance is the realization that he is gone from me physically. He is NEVER coming home, he will NEVER talk to me, hold me, kiss me or write to me again.

I will see him in my dreams, I will see visions of him and hear him talking to me in those dreams and in those visions but they are NOT REAL, they are not tangible.

I'm getting closure......it's 2 1/2 years that he's been gone and I'm feeling the closure which is making me sad, tearful and depressed......for now. But, I know it will pass and when it does I'll be healed!

I wish you peace and grace as you go through this journey,
Roz

There is a thing, or many things, that drew us to our former mate. When you look around you and those things aren't there, you crave them, you are angry they were taken, you are sad you don't get to share them anymore. It's been many years for me, but I still wish he was here. I still look at our family album and wonder what my life would be like if we were together now. I can't tell you how to make it better because i certainly haven't figured it out yet. What I can say is that it gets easier. That you will fill your life with things to keep your mind and body moving forward. Just try to remember to smile more than cry when you think of those times that made you happy and those things that he shared with only you. If you can draw as much happiness from good memories as the sadness you are feeling, then you have made some good strides for yourself. I am sure he wouldn't want you to hurt or suffer, so try to do good things for yourself.

Sometimes I wish I could do just that, but changing phones meant I lost the messages. Last week I was going through boxes of his things, looking for a tool or something, and I found a box of card & letters I had sent him over the years, and I just lost it!
I think it is just part of the healing process.

This may not be the case but....
I just watched "Inside Out" for the 2nd time. The first time I watched it with my husband and today alone. The ending had me in tears because i understood it better today than the 1st time.
Sometimes good memories have to be touched by sadness when we need to grieve to heal after a trauma.

Just a "squirrel" thought

My husband would send roses to me at my office every few weeks. It would always be unexpected, never on special occasions. Monday on his birthday, I read the cards that came with the roses. Sometimes he would write from the heart about our love, some were about special moments in our life and others were a little bit naughty. As I read through the stack the other day, I cried, laughed and blushed. It helped to bring back the wonderful moments of our life together. I cherish the notes and I'm sure I will read them many times in the future. For me it is a way of him still telling me how much he loves me. Which offers comfort to this new life. Hugs.

Yes, going through the pictures/cards/letters etc. Sometimes I can read them fine & other times I have to quit or I lose it ...
I did find one note that Larry wrote me about 20yrs ago if I may share.

"Babe... I'm going to miss you so much. I know I may not show it, as often as I should, But I love you more than you will ever know. Love L"

I so cherish this note & I think if the apt burned down, this would be for sure one of the first I would grab......(believe me not that I want that to happen)

We're hungry deep down for any kind of connection with them, even if it's pain. That's why we hang onto all the little reminders, build up the photo shrines, can't move the toothbrush out of the bathroom or even toss their old stinky socks. We're trying to hang onto them any way we can.

There does come a time when you realize they are inside you always, and the loss is part of who you are - not in control of your life, just one part of it. Then the pain starts to lift, and the photos bring smiles instead of pain, and you realize you don't need his damned dirty socks and can toss out the toothbrush. He was more than his socks and toothbrush!

What you're going through is what we all do. You WILL get through this. Honest. Don't give up.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Thanks, cliffskat, those are comforting thoughts.

Allie, it does seem like we torture ourselves at times doesn't it? So many things spark a memory. Thank goodness for that even though it hurts. Hugs and Love, Michele

Ya I go through the text message last sent too. My last text to my husband was Are you ever waking up!! No he didn't he went to sleep and never woke up. I don't want to erase the text messages because I'm hanging on to everything last said. I was in Chicago buring my dad when Kennon was supposed to meet me later in the week. How crazy was that that both my men in my life died a day apart so unfair.It was unexpected and I still want reminders of him and how much we loved each other. I feel sad mad and in pain. It will get better we have to strive for that. hugs, Donna