Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I've had a rough couple of days with today being the worst. I can usually make it through the day only crying a handful of times but today the cries turned into sobs. I think part of it comes from the lack of sleep the other part normal grieving and another part dealing with this weeks frustrations.
I'm tired of people telling me I'm lucky to be so young and going through all of this because there is still time for me to have a life but they don't understand. Trent was a huge part of my life for 6 years and we made plans and now I think about how he will never be able to do many of the things and some are little and some aren't. Trent will never see a concert, never go on a cruise, he'll never buy a house or live in his own place and he'll never be a father. The other thing is I'm tired of my father-in-law telling me I don't understand what he's going through but its him who doesn't understand. I can't possibly imagine what it must feel like to lose a child but I don't think that gives you an excuse to act like a jerk. I get that some of this is grief and some of it is guilt but everyday for the past 5 years I watched him walk through the door I watched him grow from a lost insecure boy into a strong generous man. I've watched as he turned his life around with his father nowhere in sight, and it was me who was here for him when he got in trouble and I'm the one who doesn't understand what its like. Last on my rant is his wedding ring is still missing. He was transferred from one hospital to another and somewhere in it his wedding ring was removed and its no where to be found the one hospital says he had it on when he was flown out and the other is telling me he didn't have it on when they got him. I never thought I would be so upset about a piece of jewelry but its the one thing I want back that is realistic and its looking like I'll never get it back.
I'm tired of people telling me I'm lucky to be so young and going through all of this because there is still time for me to have a life but they don't understand. Trent was a huge part of my life for 6 years and we made plans and now I think about how he will never be able to do many of the things and some are little and some aren't. Trent will never see a concert, never go on a cruise, he'll never buy a house or live in his own place and he'll never be a father. The other thing is I'm tired of my father-in-law telling me I don't understand what he's going through but its him who doesn't understand. I can't possibly imagine what it must feel like to lose a child but I don't think that gives you an excuse to act like a jerk. I get that some of this is grief and some of it is guilt but everyday for the past 5 years I watched him walk through the door I watched him grow from a lost insecure boy into a strong generous man. I've watched as he turned his life around with his father nowhere in sight, and it was me who was here for him when he got in trouble and I'm the one who doesn't understand what its like. Last on my rant is his wedding ring is still missing. He was transferred from one hospital to another and somewhere in it his wedding ring was removed and its no where to be found the one hospital says he had it on when he was flown out and the other is telling me he didn't have it on when they got him. I never thought I would be so upset about a piece of jewelry but its the one thing I want back that is realistic and its looking like I'll never get it back.
Regarding his father, just try your best to ignore his comments..hard to do, I know, but you need to be looking out for yourself and your own best interests now...you don't have to be 'nice' to people who are not nice to you...
I hope they find the ring...to lose something like that is devastating on top of everything else, not to mention careless and unprofessional on the part of whomever lost it...
Please feel free to come here and 'vent' whenever you need to ...the people here do get what you are going through, we are all going through it...I lost my love of nearly 22 years in March....never felt such a void, never thought anything could hurt so bad...again, I'm so sorry for your loss..Take care,Wendi
As for the father-in-law, I know it hurts the things he says, but hopefully one day, you won't let him affect you anymore. My husband's family hasn't spoken to me since the day I had the hospital turn off the machine. According to them, I killed him. I still am very angry and upset about it, but then I say to myself, they too are grieving and maybe it's easier for them to blame me. Maybe one day they will come around and will realize how they treated me, but for now, we must take care of ourselves and not worry about the others. Everyone grieves in different ways.
I'm very sorry about the wedding ring. I was just reading an article about a man who lost his and a guy hiking happen to find it years later and tracked him down to return it. Maybe when you least expect it, the ring will return. I'll send positive thoughts your way :)
Close relatives can be tough. Our therapist advised us to "be kind to yourselves". We sometimes can't help being angry in a situation like this, and then the anger just spills out and hits whoever happens to be there. My son has mostly been very considerate, but he hurts too, and if he blows his stack a bit, I try to give him some space. I haven't had to deal with a father in law, but I imagine it would be harder. Because you add in the generational difference along with everything else.
Your loss is completely different than his parent's loss as you know. Keep your head up and be yourself and be proud. I'm sorry they are not supportive the way they should be.
Maggie
I'm so sorry that you've suffered this huge loss so early in your marriage. It has made you face something that you should never have had to until you both were old and gray.
Be kind to yourself Allie, think of all the gentle and loving moments that the two of you shared and don't allow yourself to become angry at others who are short-sited or thoughtless.
You need to fill your head and heart with the memories of the love the two of you had. That will ALWAYS be with you to comfort you and to guide you through the days ahead.
He loved you and you loved him, no one can take that love away from you.
The ring is gone and should not short circuit where your thoughts need to be. You need to focus on YOU and YOUR life going forward with the beautiful memories to ALWAYS be in your heart.
These are going to be difficult days, months for you. Take care of yourself. I'm so sorry.
Roz
I feel so bad for the loss of his ring. Can you advertise for it - with its description maybe someone who knew about this ring will see it.
Your dreams of what your life was to be is shattered, I understand the father's loss but he was your future. Spend as much time as you can with someone who encourages you to grieve in any way you wish and take care of yourself. Hugs from PNW