I have been reading discussions for a few days and you all seem to be a great group of people. I just so much resent the fact that I am now qualified to join your group. My husband died not quite 4 weeks ago. He had been sick a long time. He had a history of Diabetes, heart attacks, strokes, and kidney disease including renal cell carcinoma. He reached the point of little quality of life and too much pain so he chose to enroll in a Hospice program. He had been in the hospital for one night because of intolerable pain and we signed on with Hospice the next morning. They had a hospital bed and all necessary equipment delivered and set up at our home within a matter of hours. And they had him transported by ambulance home. Within 20 minutes of his arrival a hospice nurse was there, bringing atavan and morphine. For the first time in MONTHS Tony was without pain.

We knew he didn't have much time left, his kidneys were failing. But I did not expect that he would be gone 24 hours after arriving back home. No matter how well you think you have prepared yourself, you are never ready. But it was peaceful, pain free, and he was at home. I was with him along with 2 of our sons, our oldest granddaughter, and his favorite cat was curled up at his feet.

I think I am doing okay. I have gone thru the whole gamut of emotions and I know it is going to get worse before it gets better. I have started journaling and have located a griefshare group in my community that I will be checking out. But I feel adrift. We were together for almost 40 years and there is such a huge hole in my life where he should be. I have lost 10 loved ones in less then 20 years so I am not new to the grieving process. But I have no idea how to be a widow. I have never been alone my entire life.

I am hoping to find some friends here, some support, as well as possibly giving support to others of you who are on this same path.