Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
This is probably going to be too long for most of you, but I want to post the Renewal of Vows I gave to my wife in the hospital on June 15, 2018, our 50th Wedding anniversary. On June 23, 2018, she died.
Lon & Lin XXXXXX
June 15, 1968 – June 15, 2018
Renewal of Vows
When I thought about renewing our vows, I thought first about our original vows. They are pretty simple, but what did they really mean? So, let me first say the vows I spoke on June 15, 1968.
I, Lon XXXXXX, take you, Lin XXXXXXXX, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.
Now, let me say these vows again, inserting what these words have meant over the 50 years since we said them.
I, Lon XXXXXX, take you, Lin XXXXXXXX, to be my wife,
And, today we are celebrating 50 years of marriage! We have actually been together almost 53 years because we went together for 3 years before we were married. Who would have thought that an 18-year-old girl and a 20-year-old guy would make it that long!
to have and to hold
Well I think more descriptive words would be: to be best friends and to love each other
Lin, you have always been my best friend ever since we came together. There have been times when our friendship was all we had. When we moved to Ft. Collins for my last year of college and when we moved to Kansas City, all we had was each other – no friends, no family. We eventually made friends in those places, but to start it was just you and me. We have always been there for each other – no matter what.
To love each other – what does that mean? Of course, to start there is the physical attraction, and that was certainly there. But as you move on in a marriage, it means encouraging, helping, accepting, sharing, believing in, having fun with, consoling, creating a family, and, of course, putting up with you spouse.
for better
We definitely had many good times over our 50 years.
Having our children to share our lives and love with is the highlight of our marriage, followed closely by our grandkids.
There were many other good times – with friends, family, fellow workers, successes, new experiences, and just living life to the fullest.
for worse
We also had our share of not so good times over our 50 years.
Moving is not fun. Here are the 13 places we have lived and had to move to:
Denver – Lincoln St.
Ft. Collins – University Village
Kansas City – One Bedroom Apartment – Lydia
Kansas City – Two-bedroom apartment – 97th
Olathe Kansas – Duplex – Lindenwood
Denver – Living with Mom and Jim
Denver on Roslyn
Denver on Raspberry Mtn.
Denver on Lima Way
El Paso on Rosinante
El Paso on Oveja
Colorado Springs – Coneflower
Colorado Springs – XXXXXXXXX
While the moving part was never fun, we did enjoy each of the places we lived - in certain ways, and, to an extent, these places have helped mold who we are today.
We had other things that weren’t so great, but in the grand scheme of things, the good always overrides the bad.
for richer
Well, we did pretty well for ourselves. It wasn’t always easy – we lost a lot of money at times, but we also lucked out a few times to offset the losses. We are not rich by any means, but we have more than many other people and, for that, we are grateful.
for poorer
Remember in Ft. Collins, me going to school full-time and you working anywhere you could in a college town with no jobs. Remember the drive-in job and the nursing home job before you got on part-time at Penney’s? We got by on $20 per week at the most for groceries. Even though we didn’t have any money, we grew closer as a couple during this year. True love doesn’t need money.
When I graduated, we didn’t have the money to move to Kansas City, so we asked everyone who wanted to give us gifts for money. Once we got there and paid deposits, rent, etc., I remember all the money we both had in the world was a little change I held in one hand (less than a dollar) by the time I got my first paycheck.
in sickness and health
Well lately, we have had more of the sickness side of things than any of us want. We all pray that Lin gets better and can enjoy this paradise with all the rest of us. We have always taken care of each other when the other is sick. And, we always will.
At the same time, we are thankful for the times when both of us and our family have been healthy.
until death do us part
While we are closer to the end than the beginning (by a pretty good margin), we will always be together on earth and in heaven. So, we will never really be apart.
Matthew 19:6 Therefore now they are not two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.
Lin, I love you. You have been my life, and we have had such a wonderful life together.
-
Today I feel grateful. Grateful for my dog Blue (Blue Jean Baby Queen, Prettiest girl I've ever seen). Grateful I'm still kickin'. Grateful I'm finally taking responsibility for my health. Grateful I own my home. Grateful for good friends and neighbors who watch over me. Grateful to God for His everlasting love and patience with me. Grateful I survived the 10 years since my wife of 30 years...
So this is what happened. Now, I am so lonesome and sad. I have been with her for 53 years - ever since the Summer after my senior year in high school. She was between her sophomore and junior years of high school. She was part of me, and I was part of her. We did almost everything together. I miss her so much.
I have read many of your posts, and I know we are all going through the same thing. My prayer is that each of you can move forward with the lives you have left. I will try to do the best I can, but it is so difficult now.
This may not be worth reading for those of you on this site, but it is something I need to do for me.
Here is what I'd like to say when someone asks how I am doing:
- I miss sleeping in bed with me life partner.
- I miss being able to touch the person I love, and being touched by her.
- I miss hearing "I love you".
- I miss Lin doing the cooking - that was always something she did. I wished I had said "Thank You" for cooking more than I did. I hate cooking, but I am trying to learn.
- I miss her enthusiasm watching sports. She loved all sports Colorado: Broncos, Rockies, Avalanche, Nuggets, Rapids, and all the Colorado college teams. She would get into the games and cheer as if they could hear her.
- I miss sitting next to her doing simple things - watching TV or whatever.
- I miss her always remembering holidays and everyone's birthdays and knowing what to get everyone for presents.
- I miss her remembering everyone's name, which I am terrible at.
- I miss hearing her tell other people about us and me. She could always find a way to bring me up in any of her conversations.
- I miss having her weighing in on decisions. We usually agreed on decisions; but when we didn't, she was usually right.
- I miss seeing her love her kids and grandkids. She loved her kids and grandkids with everything she had. I wished she could be here for the grandkids to each adulthood.
- I will miss how she loved Christmas. She always over did it, and I always complained, but now I see that she has given so many memories to our family. I will try to keep up, but it just will never be the same.
- I miss how she made me a better person when I would get too negative on something.
- I will miss many other things about her, and I may add to this list.
Thanks, Roxanne809, for reading my long posts. I hope you are dealing with your loss as best you can.
I have been doing some research on grief (as I am sure you both have also done). Below is a section from Grief.com regarding one of the 5 phases of grieving: Acceptance. What this says to me is that our memories of and feelings for our spouses will never go away, or should they - my wife was my life for 53 years. What Acceptance means to me is that we need to accept the fact that our spouse is gone, and try to create some type of new life without them.
Another thought is: what would our spouses have wanted us to do with our lives after they were gone. Please read the poem I copied in after the section on Acceptance. The last paragraph really speaks to me.
From Grief.com: Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves. Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.
I’m Free
Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free
I’m following the path God has laid you see.
I took His hand when I heard him call
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work, to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found that peace at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Oh yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and peace to thee
God wanted me now; He set me free.
I wish now I had taken her more seriously and would have asked her what reason and God's plan she was talking about. Was she saying that her body was giving out, and she was ready to go to Heaven? Below is the Bible verse that she had put in a legacy book that we had got from our estate planning attorney which she took to Hawaii that we found after she died. This verse and two songs ("I am Yours and You are mine" and "In the Garden") that she had written down were used in her memorial service. The fact that she wrote these things down for us to find makes me think she knew she was much sicker than she let on when we left for Hawaii. I am sorry for making such long posts, but I need to communicate some of my feelings to someone - even if it is not face-to-face. Thanks for supporting me, though.
2 Corinthians 4/16 - 5/10
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Awaiting the New Body
5 For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. 2 Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, 3 because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. 4 For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5 Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
6 Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. 7 For we live by faith, not by sight. 8 We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. 9 So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. 10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.
Take good physical care of yourself during the hard times. It may be a while before parts of your mind coming back, but without a healthy body it is going to take even longer.
One thing that amazes me is that I have been here for almost 3 years and yet what you said your wife told you about that she knew she was dying and that it was ok, there was a reason, and God had a plan was a perspective that I have not seen here in quite that way. It was very comforting to me to read that. It rings a bell and feels very true. Thank you for your long winded post! I'm coming up on my husband's birthday and then a month later he died, so am acutely aware again of the whole thing. Blessings!
Carol