I understand it feels like it's been a long time. But it's still fresh. It will get easier. You have to keep taking those baby steps. There is no fast way to heal the big gaping hole in our chest. Tomorrow's another day. Try hard to take another step forward. We're here for you.
Rachel

Wait wait wait Wendi! First of all stop blaming yourself! My husband was the same way. "We" ignored symptoms for high blood pressure and diabetes for years telling our selves it was nothing or that it would go away. Little did I know what a silent killer those conditions really are. I begged him to get checked but he was stubborn so I gave up thinking all would be okay. I guess I put my head in the sand hoping it would go away. But it didn't. It got worse. Lead to a bad heart, loss of sight and finally dialysis. I lost my love. Don't you think that I blame myself everyday for not pushing him more to go to the doctor years ago? Maybe he would still be here with me. It's my fault right? I thought so for a while. But really it's not just my fault. It's his too. He was an adult who chose not to find out what was wrong until it was too late. God knows we loved each other so much and I miss him like crazy. I guess we were afraid to find out what was wrong. Yes I cry a bit everyday but I'm not the only one who had control of his life. I'm a tiny bit bitter too asking what was he so afraid of? Death? Because it happened anyway. Maybe it didn't have too. But it did. So now this is my path. And yours. We can choose to drown in self pity of questioning ourselves why...or we can take baby steps towards our new reality and embrace it because we are still here. We only get one chance at this life. We are born alone and we die alone. In between we find many loves and lose many as well. But in the end our happiness is up to us to make for ourselves. I'm new at this "w" role and tomorrow I may be a bundle of tears but so be it. There's always the next day and a chance to start fresh. Please try. If not today then try again tomorrow. Please don't give up.
Please keep in touch...we all care about you!
Love to you
Darcie

oh Wendi, time wise we are so close in our journeys. It will be 5 months this coming Saturday. I always find our emotions tend to mirror each other and that gives me comfort that we are where we should be in the journey. It is awful and some nights as I crawl into bed I'm not sure how I made it through the day. I have found lately, I've been doing the second guessing as well. But, I believe it is only our minds playing tricks with us. After all part of being a good spouse is take care of your mate, so of course we would second guess ourselves. But, I honestly feel that if something was wrong at the time of his treatment, instinct would have kicked in and you (and me )would have done what was needed. In the past, I have pushed back with doctors who I didn't feel understood his condition, I have had him removed from a hospital and transferred and he twice had specific md's removed from being allowed to treat him - so based on this I believe, despite the doubts swirling, that all that could be done was. As I write this I recall the tears in the MD's eyes when he had to tell me that we were at the end. I cant believe that was not a man who did not do everything possible. We will get through - it won't be easy but we can and we will do it.

Wendi:

I am so sorry, the second guessing is horrible and we all do it. You are still, unfortunately, in the very early stages of this journey. I know it seems like forever, but it's not, five months is a very short period of time to adjust to such a horrific loss.

Here is the thing, I questioned, I doubted, I guilted, even after I was told that my husband could have been on the operation table of the most pre-eminent heart doctor in the area and he would not have been saved. I didn't start healing until I acknowledged my lack of control over the situation and let the guilt go. Sometimes life is just bitterly unfair and it is not your fault, it just is. Please try to let go of the guilt.

Hugs,
Val

Dear Wendi, My heart goes out to you. Not a one of us here doesn't have some kind of regrets. Part of the process I guess. For me, I gave utmost respect to my wife's decisions - it was after all, her body. We too believed it would all be okay. Realistically, I could have tied up my wife and dragged her to the doctors but that is the only way she would have gone sooner. She actually asked her Attending Physician to forgive her for her rebellion at her appointment the afternoon of the evening I had to call 911 at her request. Might've, Could've, Should've is unhealthy for any of us. Not a one of us could see into the future. If we knew what was really coming, sure, we may have done some things differently. But we really never know what lies ahead, Do we? What is important is the love you had one another. And when we all get through this (and we will), we willl come to realize that LOVE'S THE ONLY THING THAT LASTS. May the peace of God that surpasses all understanding fall upon you and give you great comfort in this time of your need..
Scott

Its been 10 months for me and I have tons of regrets. I was the one my husband listened to. I was the one who pushed for doctor visits, made appointments, was the advocate for his health. But I must have dropped the ball or missed something somewhere cuz he's gone. I often go over and over the days and months before his death. He said things and acted differently and that is now ringing in my ears as clues to possible problems. I didn't catch on and I pushed his actions off as work related fatigue and tiredness. I often wonder why he didn't notice and say something to me right away. Maybe he thought it was just because he was working so many hours and keeping up his stressfull schedule. I will never know and that bothers me so much. Some one here told me that the coulda shoulda woulda's won't change things but I do definately dwell on the regrets. Why didn't I see the things I see now and why did I say the things I said and Why didn't I say I love you when we ended that last phone call. Its overwhelming. I understand your feelings of having a never ending nightmare. I want so badly to go back and know then what I know now. I wish you peace and strengh

Yep LMJ90... Regrets...My hubby's last day he kept telling everyone something was wrong. Even at the hospital after all the heart tests and others came back good he just kept insisting that he didn't feel right. We all just said oh you're fine. Next morning he had 2 cardiac arrests. Waited through both just to see me. As he was all hooked up to machines I asked if he could hear me to blink. He did and tried to speak. Couldn't because of the ventilator. His eyes became the bluest blue I've ever seen when he saw me. I told him what I needed to say as did my daughter. I stepped away and his heart stopped again. I'll never know what he tried to say. Tears coming. Later everyone.

The t
houghts common when our lives are shattered without our permission. Guilt, regret, resentment, anger, and even mystery.
Even today I say why did I not push him to get his carotid artery test done, why did I not pay attention to the signs of something wrong: I realize all this after - he died unexpectedly of heart attack yet there were signs. After going through rituals in beginning and shock hopeless and feeling bleak, our direction of the past is gone with no idea of how to have direction to the present or future. We are knocked off course. At this early time having the desire and sometimes the resources (not just financially) to rebuild is absent. I wrote and still do what is my identity now? It seem one time I know it than another I struggle with it. I think these are common emotions, we have to allow ourselves to go through our own emotions and learn not to beat ourselves up. Take care of yourself, lean on friends and family at this early time. I read once where we have to allow ourselves to experience and express our grief fully. I wrote that down on a sticky note so I would not feel like I was going to go nuts. I found this sight that helped me through all of those emotions, and still do today. Hugs

I do not know if you are Christian...I lost my husband too...2. 1/2 months ago. I know the pain...sadness.. Loneliness....
Never blame yourself. It is in Gods plan. ...as you may know.... We will all die....we don't know when we don't know how...
My husband was only 36 years old....we were only married for about 6 months.....at times I feeel nobody understands.
Try to think off all the good times.....I can't relate....to the fact that your husband was sick....get a journal....and try righting...it has helped me.
Prayers and the Bible has helped me ....at times it is better than talking to people who just don't unserstand

Hi Wendi, my thoughts are exactly those of GLE. My Barbara passed away 23 weeks today, after 55 years of marriage, although we had been going out together since we were 16 years old, 59 years ago. Initially I was actually seriously suicidal and had purchased enough sleeping pills to effectively do the job. I, too, was so overcome with "What if" thoughts. Fortunately my son persuaded me from taking the pills, (he simply took them away) and now 23 weeks later, I am glad he did so. The internal pain of the great loss is still there of course, but I have been successful in a small measure to try and build some sort of new life, even at the age of 77... empty as it may seem at the moment

Dear Wendi (and to all),
This needs to be said: Until we can forgive everyone, we remain unfixable spiritually. And everyone especially means OURSELVES, for all Would've, Could've, Should'v. So when we find ourselves second guessing ourselves, we need to speak out loud, "I forgive myself for (name it)". That gets rid of. If it tries to come back, say, "Oh no, I've forgiven myself for that. Thought be gone". The power of life and death are in the tongue. It works for me. If you can catch this, you will find peace. ~ Scott