Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
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My Journey

lonely60
lonely60
When I lost Jeanne in February all I could think about was how soon could I join her. when she was diagnosed with lung cancer last October I stopped taking all of my medication in hopes that I could expedite my departure. I was on the right course because my blood pressure went to 210 over 108. After much support I resumed my meds. My therapist made me see the pain I would leave my children in losing 2 parents, she also added that Jeanne would kick my Ass for bailing on the family. She also said that since high blood pressure was silent killer it was no guarantee that it would not be a stroke that would make me incapacitated. In March when we had the headstone designed I received the proof back for my approval and on the draft they had my date of death filled in as Sept 30, 2015 I felt certain that my journey would be brief. Although I kidded with everyone about the date it was my way to let them know that I did not want to be the one to remain and that I was looking forward to September 30th so this journey would come to an end. Down deep I believed that all I had to do was make it through 7 1/2 months. the date was after my sons wedding so I would be there for that event. The monument company informed me that the date was inserted for spacing purposes and they had no connection to future events.But something happened this past month which has started to bring me joy, happiness and a lighter heart. I am looking forward to evens past Sept 30th and starting to find peace once again. I am still lonely, in pain and miss my Jeanne every moment of every day. Today I realized that the Sept 30th date on the other side of my - was a possibly a message from Jeanne that I will give you until Sept 30th to get your act together and start to find joy once again in your life. I have a long list of people who will be checking in on me on the 30th to make sure I am ok. if I was told that the 30th I would join Jeanne I would welcome the news, but right now I believe I am turning a corner and getting ready to embrace life once again. I can not change the fact that Jeanne is gone but I can change how I choose to continue on until such time God wants me to come home. I thought I would share this as the Sept date comes closer because I was desperate and all I wanted to do was die to be with her and now I am starting to enjoy life and become active again. Everyone's journey is different and I certainly have gone from one extreme to another because I have a very close family, therapy and the support I receive from this forum. I hope your journey starts to get easier as each day passes.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
What a wonderful and uplifting post! I am glad you have turned that corner, and grateful this forum has helped you along the way. And I am sure your children are grateful that you are taking care of yourself now. Losing one parent is hard enough.

Cliff had high blood pressure, and it was one of the things that contributed to his death. He was only 55. It is a horrible, silent killer. My big beautiful man was here one moment and gone the next - and I and my children witnessedn his death. We can never forget that. So yes, please do take your meds.

Thanks for your sharing this!

Love and Hugs,
Martha
gerald222
gerald222
Very inspiring! Like you in the early stages of my grief journey I was not afraid of death and would have embraced it. I now choose not to fear life but embrace that also! Thank you for sharing your journey. Gerry
obsidianom
obsidianom
I am only 5.5 weeks out from losing the love of my life , best friend, compass, and my whole life , ; my wife Paula. I too want to die many times . I wish I had died that night she fell asleep and died next to me. A big part of me died that night. I am so lost without her. we had 34 plus years of always being together all the time at home and work. We were never apart. The last few years I was taking care of her all day doing all her medical care and taking care of everything as she couldn't do a lot of things anymore with her various medical problems. I would do anything to be able to care for her again now. I miss her all the time. I am so lonely now. I am all alone . She was my everything.
loveddogs
loveddogs
Lonely60, I can so relate to all you have said. I have not been afraid of death, and would have gladly gone with my husband. But, for some reason that was not to be. And how selfish I guess I was to want to go as he wanted to stay. I just would never want to be a burden to my kids, so I must take care of me. They have enough on their plates in this crazy world and I would not want them to hurt anymore than they are by losing their dad. I don't want to relive those final years with my husband and the pain and suffering he endured. It wasn't fair, but what in life is? So now I try to live moment to moment, making the best of a terrible loss and all the change that comes with it. I often have to force myself to do things, get out of the house, etc. I want him to be proud of me when we are reunited, my love for him is eternal and "I" know he knows that no matter where this crazy journey takes me. Peace be with you, we are here with you, hugs and love, Michele
scottito
scottito
What a wonderful post! I guess we all have to make the conscious choice whether we chose life or death. Sadly, I had an older sister who died over 25 years ago in a head on. Her husband John was the nicest guy I ever met - before 2 years were past he had drunk himself to death. I never understood that until Juani died. Tough to find a reason to keep going. What you wrote reminded of how Juanita cried a few days before she departed. It wasn't about missing me, it was about not seeing her grandchildren grow up. We'd given up on ever having grandchildren until our son married late in life about 7 years ago. His wife already had a son - so instant grandson for us. Then they had 2 of their own. God, Juanita loves those grandkids so - spoiled them absolutely rotten. And those kids so loved Gramma too! So I've got to let her see those grandkids grow up through my eyes - impart to them everything she taught me. Right now, that's as good a reason as I need to keep movin' on. We've just all got to find a reason to keep on keepin on. Thanks for your post! God bless you all ~ Scott
KimKos
KimKos
Such a wonderful inspiring journey...may every step give you a little more strength
bookdragon
bookdragon
Thanks for your upbeat message! I am glad that you are back on your medication. Bailing on your family might have been easier on you, but not on the family you built with your wife. You honour her by living life to the fullest you can. Hugs Patti
cgriff4ever
cgriff4ever
God would be so happy that eventhough you miss and love Jeanne so much, that you are continuing on, with life, and love for it If the tables were turned, she would want you to embrace life, worry less, and have some fun along the way. Someday we will all be with our soulmates yet again. to rejoice and love once again. I'm so glad that you are choosing "life" rather that "death", as death is forever and life is just waiting for you. You have so much to offer/share, and teach others who are on this journey of "grief". besides you are our friends now, and we would hate to lose you, before we have gotten the chance to know you.. big hugs, and god bless.. and know we are all here for you..carla
sunflowerblue
sunflowerblue
Dear lonelyat60, I read your journal entry of 9-26-15 "The Wedding Tribute" about Greg and Jill's wedding, and 60 orange lilies for your wife, Jeanne. Such a beautiful tribute of your family at the wedding and how they remembered your Jeanne.

Even though it is so hard to want to live without our loved one, I am glad you have made a positive turnaround to take care of your health so you can be there for your grandchildren and when the time comes, she will be waiting with open arms for you she told you.

Take care. Hugs and sunflowers. Kindly, Nanette
rebl3157
rebl3157
Very nicely said, I too wanted to go with my husband. Tried to reason with myself that if I paid some thug to kill me, it would not be suicide. I am still not afraid to die, I can't wait to leave this world. But in God's time, not mine. He has our days numbered and I in no way want to try to do His job.
Rachel
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