Linda, I am so very sorry you are having such a tough time. Believe me, I truly understand where you are coming from. I miss absolutely everthing about my husband! Nothing is the same, nothing will ever be the same, and I am not the same. It is so hard to care about anything or want to do anything. Yes we put on this brave face but in reality we are crushed inside and for me it doesn't take much to reduce me into a puddle of tears. Please know you are not alone, we are all here for you! Hugs and Love, Michele

I ache for all of us on this site! Hugs Patti

I feel the same way. I keep putting one foot ahead of the other day by day but am wondering why am I bothering anymore. It is now spring and I told myself I going to try and embrace the new life around me and move forward. Things surely can't get any worse! ((Hugs))

Lisa, everything you've said is exactly how I feel. It's such a different life, this widowhood!!! It doesn't fit......It feels so out of sync with the norm in life, it feels miserable!

Being married, having a partner to share everything with....even the crummy stuff is so much better than this "alone" life!

Oh! Sure! I go off to work, I shop in the market and I travel on the roads like everyone else.......but, unless you've lost your mate, you'll NEVER understand what real loneliness feels like!!!

Lisa, there's lots of us who feel just like you.......Hang on, my dear, the ride's not over yet!

Roz

I'm going through it too. I'm sad! Mad! Spring can stop taunting me! because it's still winter in my heart! This is horrible. ...perhaps it won't be this bad tomorrow. ... ok....I'm so so sorry for our wounds. ..

Hi Lisa -

I don't even bother to try to hide the pain and it has been
almost 8 months since I lost my wife. The pain dominates
every aspect of my life. I wake up with it and it is there
throughout the day and I go to sleep with it.

I just go to work, pay bills, feed the animals, light candles
and talk to her and go to bed and get up the next ay and
do it all over again. I have no energy or desire to even try
to do anything else at this point. I don't dare think about
" tomorrow " without her. I already know the pain would be
even greater to think about " tomorrow ". .

Gone are the days of sweet surprises when I would stop
somewhere and buy something special for her just to see
her big smile and hear a " Thank You ! " and get a hug.

Gone are the days of telling her my problems at work and
receiving her advice and encouragement or scheduling time
to watch a movie together or buy everything.needed to
prepare a special meal.

Gone are the nights of hearing a soft " I Love You " just
before I go to sleep. I ache to hear it just one more time
and thinking about it even slightly starts a flow of tears. I
think of holding her just one more time for even 60 seconds
and trying to tell her everything I want to say. If I only had
60 seconds more to hold her.

I took her to many concerts over the years with all types
of music. I don't listen to music. Too many triggers. She
traveled with me worldwide on business and now I can't
watch most news or any programs involving many places throughout the world. Too many triggers. there are too
many triggers everywhere I turn.

After almost 8 months, everything ( and I mean everything )
is a struggle. I am depressed but I have refused to take
anti-depressants as I need every bit of my fried brain just to
function on a basic level at work, remember to pay bills and
so forth. Also, I don't want to suppress what I am going
through and have to deal with it down the road.

I am discovering some people are able to deal with grief
at a faster pace than me. At first, I thought I was doing
something wrong. But, everyone is different. I have learned
I have no answers to anything.

Lisa, I understand what you are going through. I wish
there were other options for you and me and everyone on
this site. All of us dared to fall in love with someone and to
share our lives with them.

We were together 30+ years.

How could something so beautiful end so tragically with so
much pain ? I don't think I will ever understand it.

Darrell

Everything everyone said is the same for me too. It's been 8 1/2 months since I lost my husband, my best friend, my everything. We were married 30+ years as well. I personally feel that my grief is worse now than it was in the beginning. Reality that this is my new life. A life I did not chose or could not begin to ever imagine. Everyday seems to be the same. Kind of like the movie "Groundhog Day.: Events can be different, but my thoughts and emotions are the same each day. My joy is gone. My tears are unending.
My husband and I were so very close. We did everything together, or with our children. We had a small circle of friends and I hear from them rarely now. I feel like the outsider. I feel lost. I do not know how to start over. I don't want to depend on my adult children for everything, but I am. I want to find peace.
I don't feel that grief is something you just get over.
You just get better at learning to hide the pain and telling people you are okay because that is what they want to hear. Only that is not the way it really is.
This journey is definitely one day at a time, some days, one breath at a time.

I am in a constant battle with my spiritual realm and my physical. Being of faith I lean a hundred percent on God but then here in the physical realm I hurt, cry, morn, grieve and fight that battle against always wanting to just give up.
It is then I replay conversations I've had with my wife. The knowing that she would want me to keep going, To not give up and to hang in there until my race is ran and I see her again. This is the hardest thing I have ever been thru and I know it is for everyone else here also.
But I truly believe our spouses would want us to keep going. To keep focusing upon taking care of ourselves. My prayers are with you.
Peace, Tim

Lisa, we are all there, and I notice I try to not think too hard on things, now that I've lost sean, because it just brings me to my knees if I concentrate on it too much. I find that thought I'm entering my second year of Sean not being here physically, that it has gotten a little bit easier, but then harder in other ways. The things that are new and exciting that I did for the first time, accomplished, feared, dreaded, was sad about, upset about, sean isn't here to talk to, or hug, kiss, anything. I only know that, with this, that he would be feeling the same way, had it been me that past. So I am trying to take this in some sort of stride, that maybe, I was suppose to go through this gave sadness, to find the simple, happy little moments that some of us have before this, taken no notice of. So i now notice things like; for example. A bird singing, anyone else notice this more. The cute, but annoying squirrel that always runs out as soon as you put bird seed down, and ravages through it all, destroying and dumping all the seed, to get to just that right corn kernel he's been searching for, for all his little life, lol. Then there is the kindness someone randomly shows you, by letting them cut in front of the line, or letting you turn in front of them. These are now the things I seem to be noticing since losing my soulmate. what I wouldn't give to get him back, but now I'm really understanding/realizing how precious these little moments of even a second of happy/joy/smiles mean. I just wish sean was here so we could realize it together. May peace surround you and a ray of sunshine envelope you. Much love and big hugs carla

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. Its like throwing out a life line and hoping someone catches it to pull you in. I believe that I have had a harder time as time has went on. I will not take medication because to me that just masks the problem and puts me in a worse fog. I must deal with my pain and feel the things I feel.

All of that is easier said than done. I keep waiting for this magic to happen so I can feel better. The only thing that will take this away is to have my husband back and we all know or loved ones can't come back. I do have a feeling that our loved ones have met and that is why we have found each other here on this site.