Hi Michelle,
Hang in there. You have a lot of people here that care about you, and we have to believe that this will get better for all of us. With 17 years of sobriety (I too am a recovered alcoholic), drinking/drugs are not an option for me - but I do understand what wanting to numb emotions is all about. My wife's favorite poster was a picture of Garfield hanging on a screen door. So too, we've just got to dig in our claws and hang in there. Know I am praying for you right now. ~ Scott

Cry if you need Michele..it's good to get it out.. But when your ready, tell yourself your ready, and stop.. Just for a bit at first.. The tears can and will come back.. But don't let them consume you. You are strong. Your husband wouldn't want you hurting like this.

I know we are all different.. But i did/tried something similar one night.. It had gotten so my nightly routine was to scream and cry until i was exhausted.. I finally said to myself that i needed to stop it.. I was hurting myself and Melodie would be upset to see what i was doing to myself. So i sat up and told myself "stop it"

Now i don't begin to think this will work for everyone..but my point is, i decided to change my mindset.. Yes tears still come but nothing like those earlier nights..

We are here for you Michele.. Vent/cry all you need.. But again, remember, you are strong. You can do this.

Michele, as long as YOU are not the recovering alcoholic, I wouldn't fret about having some wine. when we start losing sleep and can't break that cycle, our whole mind gets even more messed up AND unable to cope. over long periods of time being unable to sleep, the brain can have difficulty re-establishing a healthful pattern. it is physiological at that point, not emotional.
it sounds like you don't want to have too much.
Sleeping is a real need.

Michelle, month 4 was very difficult for me.....I just passed 7 and it was awful....but it seems I have turned some kind of corner for the moment. I take Prozac, Ativan and a sleeping pill.....have taken that for years as menopause left me with insomnia.
I have a glass of wine on occasion and there is nothing wrong with that, and there is nothing wrong with having to use meds to get thru this awful time.
Wishing you some peace today.
Hugs
Jen

Love dogs, a little of both. The four month mark is about where the "widow fog" lifts and reality moves in. Our brain has caught up with our heart and reality starts kicking.
I myself don't drink, I have seen too often when that and depression don't mix well. For me it feeds depression. You know you better than anyone on this point.
I have cptsd for many reasons, but the tips for relaxing work on any stress. Especially those like breathing rhythms and tai chi movements, or short walk in the sun even.
I also want to say it's important to feed the machine of the body, Water or lack of,lost from tears and eating or drinking high fluid foods will add to depression as well as nutrition. Lack of vitamin D is also known to add to the feelings of depression. If grief has changed your eating habits get a supplement going.
It helps to feed your mind as well. If you like reading, grab a book and fall away from this world for short periods, giving you a grief relief to re build your strength.

Gentle hugs Jewells

The waves are incessant. I understand your desire for numbness. I hope you can get some rest. Hugs... Amy

You said it . . booze are not a choice. Along with any other habit forming addictions . . as in sleeping pills, etc. Atta girl. You got this and you "know it"!!

The rest is up to the grief journey at large . . one we cannot predict. It comes in waves and comes out of the blue. Oh, but it comes, expected or not. Best to prepare for the worst, expect for the best.

Yup, it sucks . . (hate to say it) . . but grief has it's own way of molding and forming us into the new norm. Not all bad, although it feels like it at the time.

Relax and trust the process of life. It will be all good . . . I promise!

xo, D

My fourth month was the worst. Month five still not great. But at month six I feel like I am moving forward and liking my life again.

Gee, I hit 4 months is exactly 2 weeks. Oh Boy! It gets worse before it gets better. Thanks for the warning.

I'm just past 5 months...and I cry several times of the day...but sometimes, like when I am trying to work or take care of my kid, doing errands, etc. I'm okay for awhile...I guess I momentarily forget...and then it hits like a freight train..

Scottito, I wish we could say theres a set duration, or a pattern too it...sadly there is not..its random..it might get worse..it might not..You might feel ok...and then, you might feel guilty, because you feel ok (been there!)

early on, I felt like i was floating on an inner tube in the middle of the ocean...and gigantic waves of grief would come crashing over me..incessantly..over and over and over..I would find myself in a pit of despair...literally howling / yelling in the dark in my bed at night in pain..

I still get sad... Heck...I'm somewhat sad...RIGHT NOW... but nothing at all like the first few months.. the pain does eventually lessen..after i forced myself to stop it, I went and saw my doctor..I had some counselling sessions..I decided to not let myself go back into that pit of despair...

its hard..

I can see it...its usually just waiting for some trigger or random memory to punch me in the gut...tonight, I spent the last 3.5 hours cleaning my kitchen, shampooing the stairs, mopping, cleaning counters...etc..all getting ready to let real estate people / staging people in my house tomorrow & thursday..I was calm, collected...a bit worried about a friend today, but otherwise, "ok" - got done...took a shower and as i'm getting ready for bed...overwhelmed by tears.. for a moment I was just overwhelmed, missing my wife, thinking about all i've been doing to our house and selling it, etc... just overwhelmed...

It passed for the most part ..but my point is for everyone, especially in the earlier months, yes...it is hard as hell...the triggers come..often...when the grief comes...lean into it... let it flow into you, and up and out of you...don't let it hold on..it will lose its power and over time, that will become easier as well...

What has been said about the fog lifting - the initial shock of their death than dealing with what needs to be done, than once the friends and neighbors go back to life you are left to reality of they are gone.
Here is where I believe at least to me the real grieving begins
Now everyone is different. The loss of what was to be, the lack of presences that you were used to, all of those things, FOR ME I just one day was tired of it and had to change something.
I changed my bedroom furniture all around, moving some pieces out, others from other bedrooms in, bought a new comforters, changed the pictures to what I would want, rearranged the living room. I just began to face this was "MY LIFE NOW" It did help. Not all the time but broke a bit of the despair. I even painted a room the first 6 months. It all helped start those steps forward. Seeing something new and fresh and different kept me from being in the past somewhat is all I can say it seemed to me. Yes I cried at times but just not so gut wrenching. Just a thought to get you thinking of something you might think to do to find a bright spot. Hugs

28 months and I saw a commercial on TV with a guy that looked exactly like Morey and I cried until I was gasping for air and then hiccupping!!!!

I tend to agree with not taking drugs.....try a 50mg Benadryl, it's not habit forming, can be bought right over the counter and can make me so drowsy, I just want to go to sleep. It won't leave any ill effects and will cure your allergies.

Don't start any habits that may become habit forming....I have such an addictive personality I'm afraid to start anything.

Michele, you will get better, I promise, these awful bouts will lessen to a very few.

You will be "normal" again, whatever that is!

Roz