it is so hard to think of a future in which our mates won't get to be there with us. My husband and i were together for 40 years. Everything i do brings memories of him. I will carry him in my heart for the rest of my days. Don't think of visiting family as a vacation. It is going to be with people who care about you. As for the enjoyment part, I am still working so hard on that. The only enjoyment i get these days is with my grandsons. My therapist keeps saying that the old normal is not here anymore and i have to find the new normal. Still working on that. Hugs, Patti

Handg..."continue living so that I may see the world through your eyes" . OMG is that a beautiful thought. It teared up during lunch at work reading that. I'll never forget those words. Thank you!

nope, not just you, it is i think my biggest struggle. I force myself to do things and i'm glad i do, but i have to say i then really fight the gulit and tend to get weepy. All in all i think forcing myself helps me grow, but it sucks! Especially when it is somewhere where other couples are involved

Ah the guilt ... as you can see from all the replies the majority of us have it. It does get better ... I've had a few moments of true laughter (I'm 18 months on this road) when out for a meal with the "girls" and not felt the guilt it as wouldn't have been something we did together. I've been on a couple of holidays (NOT to places we went) and they were just OK ..... "just OK" is how I feel about a lot of things without him and I think I'm seeing my future as being "just OK" but I'm OK with that as I've had 37 years of "absolutely GREAT" with him!

Hang in there as the rawness does ease to a dull ache.
hugs to you.

I understand everyone's point of view on this topic. I know for sure that my husband would not want me to be sad and would want me to be out trying to enjoy life, so even though when I go and do things I'm always thinking that I wish he were right there beside me, I still go and just try to be in the moment and "enjoy" myself in the new way that I try to do that.

Durbgirl really hit home. She's right -- the times I have now are "OK" compared to the times I had with my wonderful husband which were so so special. But the way I feel now, achieving just "OK" is really a badge of honor. My life has been torn apart by my husband's death, and the fact that I can still hold my head high and experience some goodness at all is something I'm really proud about. So for me it's not guilt, just loneliness, when I go and do things that I know we would have loved to do together.

In the absence of any purpose in life, our minds are constantly swirling with emotions and thoughts that often repeat the same message of guilt.

In my case why did I ignore the signs he was not looking right I should have known and let him go away without going to get a checkup. He died in Co of massive heart attack 1,000 miles from home. If I would have insist he get that carotid artery test done that he cancelled he might be here today. Why didn't I go with him on this trip? I could have been with him when he died. He was a much happier kinder person that I.
The most important thing in the grieving process is to withhold judgment about guilt as judgment on ourselves usually is more harsh than warranted.

Shane's love, and everyone. Yes, I have struggled with these same issues and still do to a certain point. I am now 6.5 yrs out into my journey, and I'm still so shocked I am still here, physically. Myself, I never thought of suicide, or had suicidal thoughts, I have a belief that we come here to earth to learn lessons, and if we give up and end our life, we are just going to keep repeating these lessons over and over again until we face them and walk thru them to their completion. Hopefully having learned lessons and becoming a much more deep compassionate, loving being. BUT, this journey and pain has been so tremendous, I just can't believe that my "Homer Simpson" heart and out of shape body, have weathered this storm so far. My partner Mike always dreamed of going back to Japan. He was there in the military and loved the country and the people so much. He told me so many stories, taught me the Japanese language, we ate in Japanese restaurants at least 2 times per week. We also dreamed and discussed so much about traveling Europe together. We also started with nothing I was 16 and he 19 when we found each other and fell so madly in love. We both worked so hard thru our 20's, 30's, 40's and always discussed "when we retire" we will do all these things. In our mid 40s, we had reached a point where we were financially comfortable, and Mike was working 60+ hrs per week, I was pushing him to retire at 50, sell our home, and move out of Southern California and retire to a modest home, where we could easily afford to both retire, and just travel. Mike kept saying "5 more yrs". When Mike was 48 I finally took it upon myself to do research on less expensive communities. Costs of land, and research on the costs involved to build a small 1200 sq ft log cabin, (Mike loved log cabins) . Hoping to tempt him to retire sooner. I missed him so much and had grown tired of the rat race, the expense of our cost of living, the traffic, and so on. We finally set a goal of retiring when he was 55, and started the process of looking at land in Oregon, discussing plans with builders, and also planning our dream trips to Europe and Japan. Sadly, in Novemeber 07 when Mike was 48, out of the blue, he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He passed 9 days after his 50th bday. I'm so sad I didn't push him to take those trips to Japan, or Europe. Hindsight is 20/20, but in our case, chemo was horrible, and I wish we had chosen to not do chemo, and took the year or so to travel. We talked about Japan and Europe so much, and yes, I will go to these places some day on my own, but I do regret not just surprising him with tickets to Japan, for Xmas or something, and saying "we are going! Also, working so hard for that dream retirement, having it ripped from our lives, is still so hard. Don't get me wrong, I have accepted it, and am doing my best to create a new life for myself, but I was never a money manager, and I made a lot of mistakes in the past 6 yrs, so our retirement money is mostly gone. The first 3 yrs, I was sure I wasn't going to live long, and the pain was so great, I really spoiled myself with lavish gifts, and trips to Vegas, lots of nights in a town car binging on alcohol and drugs and wanting to die. I lived way beyond my means knowing it and not caring. The expensive gifts I still have, but, they don't make me feel one bit better, having bought them, I was out of my mind in grief, and still am in many ways. But I realize I was doing the best I could. It's up to me now, to find peace, find what makes me happy and go after that in a career, or writing a book, or something. Thank god I stopped spending a year or two ago, when I saw the bank balance and was shocked and realized, if I didn't stop I was going to be in huge trouble. "Oh yea" I don't have mikes income replacing what I'm spending anymore! Duh! I now live a very modest life, got rid of the Benz, and have moved my mother in with me to care for her. I'm living a much more quiet life, allowing the pain to sit and feel it, verses hiring a car and driver and hitting the nightclubs and trendy eateries. I have enough clothes to probably last me a lifetime, shoes, and so on. So I just concentrate on spending time with mom and reading, I also brought a much younger boyfriend into the mix 2 yrs ago, and he helped me to settle down although sadly, I'm realizing that this isn't going to work out and I'm going to have to end it. As I've mentioned, I have made a lot of mistakes, and I'm finally little by little coming out of the crazy, and trying to deal with the reality and pain. Thanks for listening

This is a powerful subject and an experience we all find ourselves dealing with. The guilt phase is hard, but an important step to resolve in your heart. I will always remember the first time I enjoyed myself and even laughed. I had a good time. Man, when the guilt hit, it hit hard. I had to pull the car over to the side of the road to contain my sobbing.

You will move through this and understand that you have no control over their death. In some ways neither do they. All you can control is working through these emotions of loss and coming to a place where you can live again. Prayers to all. Sharon

So far, I have only spent money on the kids.... I was never a "shopper"... I have never really wanted for material things. Shane loved toys... and that is evidenced everywhere I look here. Stvncoult, I have heard of many who have done similar things.... the lady that handles my trust has asked me on more than one occasion if I wanted to spend any of it... "not right now", I always say. She told me that it is very common for people in my position to go a bit "crazy" on retail therapy and trips and such. It's just not my thing. I have made sure that the kids have what they need.... but my kids have never really cared much about material things either. Sometimes, I think of something Shane would have wanted to buy, and for a brief moment... I think about it but then reality hits me. He is not here, and I would have no use for whatever that "thing" might be. I did go away for our anniversary weekend... or... tried. I made it through one night away and then headed home as soon as the sun came up. I needed to be here... with his things. I locked myself in my room for the remainder of that weekend. If I could not spend that special occasion with him... I did not want to spend it with anyone.

I have thoght the same things, that I shouldn't be going on a vacation or feeling guilt that I haven't though of him while going about daily life, and how unfair life is that he should be taken from me and leave me to this lonely life. But, I've decided, and it is a conscious choice I believe, to live my life and perhaps his for him. He was unable to live himself and he fought so hard in all the years of chemotherapy and surgeries and radiation and pain: through it all he never lost the will to live or the desire to be here with me. He would want me to continue on and live my life and so I go out and make new memories and take him along in my heart, and talk to him, and when I watch a movie I know he would have liked, I feel a bit sad and wish he could have seen it as well, but I know he would want me to do what he himself loved to do and tried so hard to keep doing so it is my life now to do it all for both of us. I hope this makes sense. It is a hard life we have to deal with now, on our own, without out soulmates. I think we have to live for two.

I have some extreme digestive issues where I can only eat a few foods without pain. The docs can't find anything wrong and medications don't work. I believe it is connected to the last time I talked to my husband before his heart surgery. I forgot and left a pot of chili cooking on the stove before going to visit him. All I could do in that hospital room was think about getting home and turning off that stupid stove. I cut the visit short and that was the last time I spoke to him. It has been over two years and I wonder how much longer and what it's going to take to work through that so I can eat like a normal person again.

I so sorry for your pain. I lost my husband 10 months ago. I can't stand being alone. When one of my grown kids or g/kids isn't here for a visit I find I have a really hard time just being here in our home. I cry when I'm alone. I cry when I drive my car. I go out and drive just to get out of here. I still cry. Loneliness is terrible. Guilt hasn't hit me yet. I feel he is in a better place. I know he would want me to be happy. I feel guilty when I cry. I know he would not want me to be unhappy. He would be miserable knowing how unhappy I am. I can't help it. We loved each other so long and so much it is hard to do without him. I hope you, me and all the rest of the people here can work through this horrible thing we call grief and go on with our lives. I pray for all of us. I hate when I get a email that there is a new member. My heart breaks for them. So sad. Take it one day at a time. Know we all care about you and wish you the best. (((Hugs))) Linda

I find myself in almost the exact situation as Michele , (above) regarding the kids, grand-kids, the food, the TV. I cannot even bring myself to listen to any of Barbara's recorded favourite songs as I know I'll burst into tears. I'm going on holiday by myself to see some of the places which we used to visit and feel guilty about that. But I've go to do it. I know I cannot start a different life if I avoid all these things. .

Of all the emotions we go through on the grief journey, guilt is the single most useless and soul-destroying one. Truly, it serves no real purpose and does absolutely zip to honor the one we lost.

If you ask yourself what would make Shane happy, it would probably be being happy yourself. When we love someone so deeply, we do not wish them to feel pain and guilt, we want them to be happy and contented.

Cliff and I had long conversations about "what if" after the deaths of each of our parents (we had lost all 4 of them before I lost him). We both agreed that whoever was left behind should grieve for a time, but then try to live as fully and happily as possible, and also to find love again with someone who would also love and care for our boys. When Cliff died, I didn't think I would be able to do any of that. But I knew that if I let his death destroy me, then that is what his legacy would be. If the kids only ever saw me miserable, then what message or lesson would that be? That's not what Cliff was about. Cliff was like a big kid in some ways, he was so full of life and curious about everything. If I shut myself off from the world, that would be the opposite of everything he was about.

So from the earliest days, I have tried to live fully. Some things would rock the roller coaster even harder - I could be laughing one moment and crying the next - but it helped to simply LIVE.

I used to regret all the things he wouldn't see or be able to do. I got through our son's high school graduation 6 months after Cliff died by weeping through the whole thing, for example. And then one day, I walked out of my office and in the plaza across the street a band was playing. I thought, "Cliff would have loved this - he always loved hearing music live. If only he were here to enjoy this." And then I realized in that moment, that Cliff had the best seat in the house. His spirit was free, and if he wanted to listen to a band play there - or anywhere - he could. I know that sounds strange in a way, but I felt so much better, and the guilt fled.

Please, please, please - let the guilt go. It does nothing for you, and it is not the culmination of the dreams that Shane had for you. That's not what we want for the people we love. Honor him by living fully and teaching your kids and grandkids that life is meant to be lived, not just endured. It's not easy, but you can do this. Don't give up and don't give in to the guilt.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Martha,
When you posted that Cliff was like a kid, it really hit home. Shane was like a kid, and at his service, that is how many described him... he was a kid in a man's body. He feared nothing and would do anything for a reaction. Sometimes I felt that he needed more supervision than our kids!
One time, he and his best friend since school were burning a stump out... and in Shane's opinion a bigger fire was ALWAYS better. So he went and got the leaf blower.
They were doing this at night, and I had already went to bed. When I got up... My huge are of roses was over half burnt. The fire "got away from them" in his words. Oh some of the things he used to do.... This was a "mild" one.