Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Even the thought of doing something remotely enjoyable brings about horrible guilt. Shane doesn't get to have fun anymore... he doesn't get to take the grandkids places, watch a funny show, listen to his favorite song, eat his favorite food, go fishing... how can I ever again do anything without guilt?
I think that these feelings are probably "normal", or at least common in our situations.
I have, several times over the past 7 plus months, purchased the necessary items to prepare my favorite meal and ended up throwing them in the trash without making it. I often have the television on but rarely watch it. I might laugh at something... and that seems unfair. I still have not gone fishing, and I can't imagine that I will. My brother wants me to come visit him in Arizona... but it seems wrong to do something like that without Shane. Next summer we were planning a trip to Alaska, in honor of our youngest child graduating. It was to be a bit of a reward for ourselves (we never had a honeymoon, and worked sooooo very hard). Shane had always wanted to go to Alaska, and although I never had an interest in it, I was excited to be going and thrilled that he would finally be fulfilling a childhood dream.
Now, the thought of taking a "vacation" just seems so absolutely wrong.
We started with nothing... and we, but especially HE, worked so very hard to build a life that we loved and enjoyed... now I am left wondering how I am supposed to enjoy what he worked so hard to build when he is not here. It just feels wrong.
Sorry... rough day. Hugs to all
I think that these feelings are probably "normal", or at least common in our situations.
I have, several times over the past 7 plus months, purchased the necessary items to prepare my favorite meal and ended up throwing them in the trash without making it. I often have the television on but rarely watch it. I might laugh at something... and that seems unfair. I still have not gone fishing, and I can't imagine that I will. My brother wants me to come visit him in Arizona... but it seems wrong to do something like that without Shane. Next summer we were planning a trip to Alaska, in honor of our youngest child graduating. It was to be a bit of a reward for ourselves (we never had a honeymoon, and worked sooooo very hard). Shane had always wanted to go to Alaska, and although I never had an interest in it, I was excited to be going and thrilled that he would finally be fulfilling a childhood dream.
Now, the thought of taking a "vacation" just seems so absolutely wrong.
We started with nothing... and we, but especially HE, worked so very hard to build a life that we loved and enjoyed... now I am left wondering how I am supposed to enjoy what he worked so hard to build when he is not here. It just feels wrong.
Sorry... rough day. Hugs to all
We planned a vacation to Arizona, we were going to drive. I went, flew out , stayed for a week. It was nice, I cried a couple of times. But most of all, I prayed the plane would crash and I could go be with him. I hate to say it but I don't feel guilty anymore, I think he got the better deal. This world sucks!
Rachel
i know ive posted about going to the movies recently...seeing the couples holding hands and not being one of them..i hate it...but we cannot keep ourselves "in a box" if that makes any sense..we cannot just stop doing all of the things we used to do.. our spouse would not want that for us..
and its so so so hard...and it seems that karma or fate or coincidence even, whatever you want to call it is out to get us sometimes.making it even harder..
i've always been one of those guys that worked more than i should to make sure Melodie had everything she could ever want..i actually figured that even with her health issues, i would work myself to death before her...and now i have this huge (emptying) house of memories i got for her..
i can barely watch much tv as well..we had a routine...silly videos, the walking dead, game thrones, burn notice, or a movie on netflix...i've managed a few netflix movies in 9 months but none of the rest.. i used to read, voraciously...2-3 books / month..i have completed 1 book in 9 months..all of these things i used to do, snuggled up to my wife..
i think some of these desires will come back over time..but thats just it...probably only some..and over time..or maybe all will...over time..
dont punish yourself..visit your brother if you can..enjoy those new memories for yours and you husbands sake, do those things he would have wanted you to enjoy
*hug* guilt sucks, but we have no need to feel guilty, your not doing anything wrong if you laugh or enjoy youself
Hugs back at ya!
Darcie
I felt all those guilt feelings too, spin the fires few months of losing Ben.
Just having fun with my grandchildren, or having a family BBQ or a get together would make me wish he could be seeing and doing all those things, which he tried to keep living for.
I don't feel guilt now, just yearning for him to see his grandchildren growing and changing every day.
This is just another painful part of grief, we have to go through.
Love......Sandra
As for having to watch couples out holding hands, I hate that too...saw a lot of it tonight when I took my son to DQ...it's just so depressing..
Should have been "especially the first few months"
Maybe I'm just tired,
Hugs....Sandra
CROSSING OVER
Oh please don't feel guilty
It was just my time to go
I see you are still feeling sad,
And the tears just seem to flow,
We all come to earth for our lifetime
And for some it's not many years
I don't want you to keep crying
You are shedding too many tears
I haven't really left you
Although it may seem so
I have just gone to my heavenly home
And I'm closer to you than you know
Just believe that when you say
my name, I'm standing next to you
I know you long to see me
But there's nothing I can do
But I'll still send you messages
And hope you understand
that when your time comes to
"Cross over" I'll be there
to take your hand
(author unknown)