I am sorry if I offended anyone. I can assure you that it was not my intention.

I understand your statement, I doubt anyone is offended. I read everything I could get my hands on when my husband died and googled the heck out of the internet. I finally went to a Grief Group, but it wasn't until I was sure there wouldn't be (I apologize now :-) that there wouldn't be people in the group that were in a stage of grief so far ahead of me that I would be overwhelmed with their anger. I feel no anger at this point, just profound sadness. But I was reading something here lately that was posted and they said we just float between these layers of grief, you don't just reach anger and it's the place you stay. You could then the next day bop back to being very sad and lonely. So I expect to have many layers through my grief process. Someone else will have to jump in here to talk about the sentence where you say "I remember every in which he annoyed me". I am sure there are some people here that will have an idea of exactly where you are at. Just not me. You are in a good group though, don't give up. Vicki

Every relationship is different, every marriage is unique. Regardless of the quality or the state of the marriage, when a spouse is gone, majority experience very profound sense of loss, and initially a survivor views a deceased spouse as ideal partner, and their marriage as perfect.
I recall my first grief support group meeting, and even though I was extremely foggy, yet I remember the thought that crossed my mind that all of them were married to Saints. I did not judge, I simply began by saying that I was married to a human, and I have lost a man who was far from being perfect, but he was perfect for me.

Even though, I am a rather realistic person. I was also in a phase of idealizing my husband and my marriage.
People day that a survivor goes from aggrandizing to demonizing.
I idealized and still do sometimes, but I also avoided the extreme enshrining and anger at him.
What you describe is quite unusual ; seven years being angry at him indicates some underlying issues.

Maybe some self examination can help, or perhaps working with the grief specialist. Getting it out and look into that issue is absolutely necessary.

I had to do some homework in my grief class, where I had to describe what has changed, and what remains the same after the loss, it was very helpful to identify and ascertain my multilayered losses, such as in status, income, security, which was causing anxiety and being edgy with people. I had experienced extreme jealousy or skepticism towards my married friends. I know it is unhealthy, so I keep on working on that.
Self examination also helped me to see realistically where I was as a person, a woman, a survivor.

However, I have been through zillion of hours of group and individual therapy to sort my multi-faceted bereavement, so I might had experienced some anger, but managed to resolve it in a less dramatic way.
I am really sorry peace has not come to your heart, and you are still struggling. Maybe it is about resentment, struggling with forgiveness,
I wish you to get it resolved sooner rather than later.
Warm hug, be well.

Well I have not been widowed that long. Yes, there were many weeks I was angry. The angry part of grieving is just part of healing. I look at it this way my husband is gone and he is not coming back there is no need to be angry everyday. So I try to get though the remembering the good and loving moments I had with my husband. Yes, it is going to be painful and it is but that is the path we are on. Just try sitting back and going over the years of marriage and pick out the wonderful times you had with him and keep those moments close to you. Hope this helps. Sammantha

I am not offended and I dont think you are a jerk. I am into month 5 and this month I am in angry mode. I am angry at everything. I am angry at my Don too. I am angry that I could see him giving up even though he would say "dont put me in my grave yet, I am not going to die" . Basically he refused to talk to me about his cancer and dying and I feel he prevented and stopped any meaningful talk that we could have had. Then there is the anger on the way he treated me at Christmas and birthdays, like finding me a gift was the biggest chore ever...and I am not hard to please. How about the way he did not put the toilet seat down! No, I do not feel guilty for my angry feelings. I think I am just going through layers of emotion. Ask me next month and I will probably tell you Don was my angel and such a loving, wonderful guy. I hope and pray that we each find our way to a comfortable place in our hearts and lead a life that is meaningful to us. Best wishes on your journey.

"when I think about him I remember every in which he annoyed me. Needless to say I feel like a jerk for feeling this way."

~ The demand of grief is acceptance/resolution of everything associated w/our deceased spouse including their true personality & our marriage, regardless of how big or little ~
So, there's no reason to even think of yourself as a jerk or beat up on yourself for an acceptable as well as normal part of grief that pushes toward healing ~
The other part of the anger is coming to terms w/one's own responses to their behavior, etc ~
None of this is a bad thing, it's a good healthy thing to do for your own peace of mind ~ *wink*
Take care & take it easy ~
____________________________________________________
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've brought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
Dr. Seuss

Maybe in the back of your mind your thinking it would be easier to hate him so you dont miss him instead of loving him and missing him? If that makes sense. I am sorry for your loss. Hugs, Jo

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.
There were some unresolved issues and some things came to light after his death that were confusing and painful. The bereavement group I went to was a fine group but as Comfortablynumb mentioned most if not all of the other widows were aggrandizing their husbands and there I was wanting to curse out mine.
I know my husband loved me and was a good man but yeah he was far from perfect. He was a hoarder. It took a couple of very large dumpsters and 10 people to help me clean the hoard out of the garage and basement after his death. There was no life insurance so my daughter and I lost the house. There was more that I won't go into but somewhere along the line my sadness and fear turned to anger. I felt so ashamed of it I kept it a secret and I think it just started eating away at me.
Thank you all for allowing me to express it here. Just being able to get it out helps.

I am sorry for your loss and for the constant anger you feel and which is eating at you. I hope this site will help you at least in one respect and that is to air your anger, pain and frustration.

Because this site is as anonymous as you want it to be, it will help you at least with expressing your feelings. Keeping secrets, covering up a part of your life because of shame is a depressing and tiring business. So you do not have to hide anything here. We are a non-judgemental and forgiving group.

I wish you peace.

After hearing more of your distress, Cecil, you are on the right track, every one of your choices appear to me to be spot on. Good Luck, Lady! :-).....Vicki