Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Today has been absolutely horrible. There is so much to do and my brain just isn't working. I've been a stay at home mom doing daycare for the last 21 years. I was slowly phasing out the daycare aad I'm down to one part time child. The kids would be in school all day which gave me and Rob the day to ourselves (daycare didn't come until 2:30). Nights he worked, I knew he was here sleeping. I woke up around 4am filled with such dread, fear and anxiety and felt sick. It's been downhill ever since. I sit here alone with no motivation to even do the basics.
On top of the grief, I have so much to do that really can't wait. I finally set an appt for social security survivor benefits for the boys which is set for next week. The tags to our vehicle expire on Rob's birthday Friday and I'm told so many different things about how to go about getting the title into my name (we still have a loan in his name on it). We didn't have the proper deed to our home (survivor deed) so it will go into probate .. not a problem, just more time involved.
Our son graduates next week - my inlaws are coming in from Michigan for that weekend. He leaves Sunday after graduation for Panama City which has me filled with so much anxiety.
I just hate this feeling of overwhelming sadness. If I can't turn back time, I'd like to fast forward years and years ahead so it's not so raw. The what if's are killing me and I have to keep reminding myself to believe what the coroner said about it was going to happen regardless.
Sorry for rambling but you all are the only ones that understand this grief.
Pam
On top of the grief, I have so much to do that really can't wait. I finally set an appt for social security survivor benefits for the boys which is set for next week. The tags to our vehicle expire on Rob's birthday Friday and I'm told so many different things about how to go about getting the title into my name (we still have a loan in his name on it). We didn't have the proper deed to our home (survivor deed) so it will go into probate .. not a problem, just more time involved.
Our son graduates next week - my inlaws are coming in from Michigan for that weekend. He leaves Sunday after graduation for Panama City which has me filled with so much anxiety.
I just hate this feeling of overwhelming sadness. If I can't turn back time, I'd like to fast forward years and years ahead so it's not so raw. The what if's are killing me and I have to keep reminding myself to believe what the coroner said about it was going to happen regardless.
Sorry for rambling but you all are the only ones that understand this grief.
Pam
I agree with Linda, I had to read and re-read documents several times before I could figure out what came next. There is no easy way to get through it, but try to take it on a "need" basis. The urge to have it all finished and behind you is strong, but the fact is that probate and getting the documents in order and in your name takes time. I hated that part of it. Who needs that stress on top of everything else?
Is there a trusted friend who can help with the details or can go with you for appointments? I took a legal pad with me everywhere and tried to write down as much as possible. I sure couldn't trust my memory at that point in timeit took a leave of absence for a while. Not too long ago, I ran across that legal pad. It was a bittersweet moment when I saw how much "stuff" had to be accomplished. I made small goals for each day. Sometimes I attained those goals; other times they were pointless.
Hang on. Each day is different, so hopefully tomorrow will be a day that you are refreshed and ready for the next challenge. Blessings to you. TJ
Do you have anyone around you to assist you with any of these tasks?
Sometimes it is helpful to divide them up to share the load amongst your friends and family, and also everyone is differently gifted.
In one of the grief books I read, it was suggested to find your own 'hypothetical' Board of directors - to advise us in the various situations we face, so when we need advice in a certain area [like companies do] we go to the person we know skilled and knowledgable in that area for information or advice. It is kind of a mental trick, that helped me feel supported and not so alone.
I have personally found it helpful when overwhelmed with the to-do list to employ that technique, and enlist help when required. Also if you do share the load you are not taxing any friendship too much.
Sometimes just having someone to drive you and accompany you through even menial tasks can help, and I usually buy coffee or lunch for the one who has come with me which thanks them and rewards us both for a job now done and adds a gentle social side as well.
I pray you get through each task with relative ease, and hopefully with some good company along the way!
Thank you all for your support and advice - it certainly helps. God Bless
Pam
There's plenty of time to process these, but yes, you do have things to do.
Try to make a list of "have-to's; need-to's; and want-to's" and stick by the list. Give a limited number of hours, during the day, and really focus...just within those parameters...then let the rest of it go.
It's very smart to have friends help you. Put your challenges on paper...this has a way of relieving you of the pressure to have to remember these and/or to have to rethink them...time and time again each day.
This can take away some of the "obsession-rebound" that can occur when you are overwhelmed.
You need some ambien or similar to help you relax and sleep.
Sleep is extremely important to help with your mental and emotional processing.
I heard about FlyLady a few years ago and that has helped me a lot. She can help motivate you and give you tools to get things done.
So sorry you are facing all of this.
God Bless
Pam
I agree that getting help is a great idea if you can find somebody, even if they did some of the legwork. I couldn't believe all that had to be done, and it did all sound so demanding and immediate.
Take care of yourself. Be patient with events and gentle with yourself and try to set maybe one goal per day - or even per week.
Hugs, Gail