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3 months and my first 'First'

Cavewifelost
Cavewifelost

I lost my wonderful husband Dave officially three months ago on September 30th. His birthday was yesterday, October 6th. I didn't know how I was going to feel yesterday. He would've been only 60 years old. I would've teased him and called him an old man! How absurd is that? 60 years old. I wonder if I would have thrown a party for him. I should have thrown a party for him. After all, it's a landmark birthday. Still, I really don't know if I would have. He would have been doing chemotherapy again and my mind may have been elsewhere. I've learned that dealing with a loved one's illness distracts you from things that you should hold dear, like celebrating life. He was in the hospital on June 21st, our wedding anniversary, and only had nine days to live, although I didn't know it at the time. I tried to make it special that day, but did I make it special the previous year? I don't think I did. I wish now that I would have. Dave and I didn't make a big deal out of birthdays, like some couples do. Maybe we should have. Now, I have no more birthdays to celebrate and I look back on all the missed opportunities that I had to celebrate life that I didn't take. I hope that is a lesson learned and something that I won't repeat ever again. Anyway, yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it might be, possibly because we didn't make a big deal out of birthdays. Still, I woke up and talked to him and tonight when I got home from work I had a drink and raised a toast to him, just as I would have done had he been standing next to me. I think he would've liked that. I guess my message to everyone out there trying to heal is to celebrate life, even when it hurts to breathe. Our lives do go on and every moment is precious. To the beautiful spirit who left my life, "High five, Caveman!" -- <3 Anita

barleymo
barleymo
I lost my husband too on July 1st, his birthday was September 4th, he would have been 69, but did not make it. I placed roses from our garden on the mantel where a picture is of him. I too have a lot of regrets about the what if's but guess you cannot turn back time. My thoughts are with you and I hope we can go through the pain and things will get better in time. xxx
Missmyanne
Missmyanne
Anita. Please don't dwell on the "what ifs, should haves,could haves and I wish I'ds." Although it is normal to as I did in my first few momths as well. Finally came to the conclusion Anne knew I loved her. As I'm sure your Dave knew how much you loved him. I wasn't the perfect husband. Were you the perfect wife? Of course not. Were Anne and Dave perfect? Again of course not. Because not a one of us are. But we were perfect for them and they us.

As Frankie sang....Regrets I've had a few. But than again too few to mention....
raininseattle
raininseattle
I can't speak for your sweet Caveman but my idea of celebration includes holding hands, a look in the eyes, an arm wrapping around the shoulder and a smack at the back!
scottito
scottito
Hi Anita. So much truth in your post. I caught your phrase, "missed opportunities". That sums up a a biggy I learned out of my wife's death. She so loved parties and socializing. She even threw her own birthday parties. Most of our marriage, I was too often just a spectator. And my biggest wailing occured when I opened a box and saw how she had been saving some of our cards to each other through the years. Life can only be lived in the moments, and that is where our memories are created. Moments only occur in the present. Now, I am so engaged in my moments with others, not 9 million miles away thinking about whatever project I had rolling around in my head. One of the many big changes in me since she died. To borrow your words, No more missed opportunities. Not a one of us can do a thing about our would've, could've, shouldh'vs, except change ourselves for the better as we perceive what look like shortcomings in ourselves. It is a long process, but possible to use the greatest pain we've ever experienced to become better persons once that grief monster decides to leave us alone. Scottie
Msbklyn
Msbklyn
We celebrated what would have been my husband's 60th birthday 5 months after his death. I could not let the day pass unnoticed. I had about 25 family members at my house and we remembered him. We also chose that day to announce my daughter's pregnancy. Our first grandchild was born on his anniversary. We just marked his second and her first birthday last week. It will always be a day of great emotion for me but I'm guessing that's a clear message of there is a reason to celebrate life even in the midst of death and sadness. Not always easy and sometimes with the heaviest of hearts but they would want us to embrace the Iives we still have here. God Bless.
vwidow
vwidow
Yeah, I think it's no coincidence that the hospital where my husband died placed their natal section right in the hallway where I picked up my husband's belongings. A newborn baby being wheeled out right when we were there.
And Scottie, I am the same way now. I am very conscious of the moment and value people's lives and my interactions with them more.
Like I read somewhere, no one when they're on their deathbed thinks something like, "I wish I would have spent more time at the office."
Cavewifelost
Cavewifelost
Thanks to everyone for your replies. The post really wasn't supposed to be about regrets, but about the future. I used to say, "It's just another birthday! No big deal!" But it is a big deal. It's not just another birthday, it's another year of life. Bill, I'm not dwelling on things. Dave and Anne were as lucky to have us as we were them. And I agree with Rain that a celebration doesn't have to be elaborate to be special. Like Scottie said, it's about being present in the moment and not taking anything for granted. That's what I hope I'm learning from this. <3 Anita
SkyWolf
SkyWolf
I lost my Brian three months ago too. July 2nd. We were together 30 years. A lot of life together. A lot of memories. I too have too many regrets about the last few years. Missed opportunities and taking one another for granted. I'm trying to let those thoughts and feelings go. Relationships are never perfect. What is important is that you are there for one another, and you shared a life together, and you were there for each other as much as possible. I miss Brian so much that some days I don't know how I'm going to keep going. But then I try to remember a good time we had. Or something we shared. Like a good laugh or a long, late night talk. I want to try to write to him and tell him how much he meant to me. I haven't been able to do that yet, but I will. When my father died, I wrote to him and it helped me. I want to find ways to honor him, his life and his memory. And I know the best way to do that is to be more present in life, like he was. He was always present, in the moment. Unlike me, always running and rushing from one thing to another. We balanced one another. And now I'm out of balance. But whether it's a birthday or some other day of remembrance, finding ways to celebrate your husband Dave, in small ways will bring healing over time. That's what I'm trying to do. Finding ways to celebrate my Brian.
Kateydid123
Kateydid123
Dave is thinking about you, four years later.
I wonder if you’ll ever see this post.
July 14, 2021
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