Stephanie, my thoughts and prayers as you are early on in your grief. Just take small steps and take each moment as it comes. I lost my husband to cancer and we were married for 261/2 years. I am so sorry you have to go through this at such a young age. Focus on yourself and your children, and you will do what is right for you and them. There is three precious things you do have to look forward to and that is your children. Remember don't make any hasty decisions too soon, I am sure your parents don't mind you being there. God Bless Susan

my heart goes out to you, all i can say and i don't have children is hold on for them. Your their rock whether you want to be or not. He loves you always you know that, he is with you i know that. I lost mine to suicide so i know the grief comes with an extra kick
Hold on, you will see him again in time. Pete xx

Hang in there Stephanie. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I know about wanting to hear the voice tho. The only thing I had was the message on his cell phone. I kept calling it just to hear him say "Leave a msg, I'll get back to you".
(((( hugs))))

StephanieJune6,

"I feel like there's nothing to look forward to anymore and everything is just survival."

During the first 6 months to a year, yes, it is indeed all about survival. If you and your children are alive and healthy, then you should take great pride in that accomplishment. At 3 months there's little point in contemplating the future since you likely have your hands full with both grieving your loss and day to day survival.

I lost my wife to suicide in 2009. Though I seldom post here, on another website for young widows and widowers I have written many hundreds of times on the subjects of mental illness and suicide. One thing I always try to point out to a new SOS (survivor of suicide) is this:

"The psychological trauma of the survivor of suicide (SOS) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse, whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life."

So it should be no wonder you are feeling as you describe in your post. Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

You have been through, and are going through, a form of loss that few, including myself, can fully comprehend. My Sharry died suddenly, and that was traumatic. Your trauma was far more pronounced by the circumstances involved. I ran the events of our final day together over and over in my mind those first couple of months, trying to see what I could have recognized in order to save her. This was something I had to release myself from. When a traumatic event occurs that in reality we have no control over, our minds will try to find a way to gain control of the uncontrollable by assigning blame to either ourselves or someone else.This pointless second guessing we do only holds us back from a more healthy grief process.Hopefully you are already past this. At 3 months, I was, as you are, just coming out of that shock that allows you to settle affairs, send thank yous, and figure out new day to day schedules for your family.Then, the reality and finality of it all hits you. Now you will begin to grieve, as I did. What you have described is very normal. Let the tears come, that is a healthy part of this long process. Drink plenty of water, as grieving dehydrates you. Exercise moderately every day, but don't overdo it and fatigue yourself. Try to eat a balanced diet. I take a b complex supplement in addition to a good multivitamin. See your doctor if you have anxiety that keeps you from sleeping. I needed help early on as well. Some days you will feel like you turned the corner, then crash back down the next day, then back up.... and around you'll go. You will slowly, albeit unevenly ,begin to feel better and better. At about 61/2 months, I have some really bad days yet, but many more are hopeful,with interest returning in things I once loved to do, but found pointless early on. This will happen for you too Stephanie.Always remember God loves you, your children, and your husband. None of us earn it, it is freely given, by a God whose depth of love we cannot begin to comprehend. Strength and peace to you and your awesome family:
Robert

Thank you to everyone for your caring and very wise words. Thank you for helping me to not feel all alone in this. *hugs* to you all

My heart goes out to you! Yes, it does hurt. It's been a year for me. The pain will ease up. It doesn't seem like it ever will, but it does.

Hugs and prayers for you.

Stephanie,
I just read your post and am thinking of you and wishing peace for you. Please come here to this site often. I know you will find it a source of strength.
God bless you and your children.