My husband was in hospice-I had called at 4pm and was told he was resting comfortably and then I said we'd be there to visit around 630.When we arrived at 630 he was actively dying.I guess death comes on fast-he died later that night and thank God we were there!But makes me wonder if they had even checked on him that day at all.We were shocked when we walked in and saw him dying!we werent expecting it that day.

Hi Lois
I often wonder why we dont ask questions when we really should Is it perhaps that we dont really want to know the answers
I think that maybe the answers to the questions would make me feel worse than I already do " if that is possible"
I too was not expecting it that day , the doctor told me in the afternoon before Bill died that he would maybe get home at the weekend

sending you hugs look after yourself
Pat

I am so sorry for your pain.....my heart breaks as I remember the intense pain and loneliness early on in my grief journey. If it helps I was a nurse for 37 years and I have seen this happen so many times. Your husband probably knew and he loved you so much he was trying to protect you.

I am so sorry he didn`t make your family trip with you. When I went away on a trip after my husband passed away Moonflyer said to me my husband was seeing Africa through my eyes. This brought me such comfort. Your husband was with you and will always be part of you.

You are so right what we wouldn`t give to hug them one more time.

Hugs to you Lu Ann

I am sorry for the pain of deep sorrow. I am finishing a trip with my kids and grandkids at the beach. In 2010 Father's Day, we made it all together for Father's Day weekend. Our son wasn't sure he could make it, but he did try hard after I told him I wasn't sure why Dad was so insistent that his kids and grandkids be together if humanly possible---this isn't like Stan---but we all did (but didn't have the camera) and he was so blessed by the group. The guys went golfing one day and we just had fun. He died in September of 2010. We have come the last 2 summers for 4 or 5 days---just finishing up and will leave Thursday am. It is great, happy, fun, sad, times of breakdown for me, but valuable in its own right.
Bless you for making this trip with your family. I know we carry them in our hearts----but it's not easy to do the valuable, writing on our hearts and minds----but truly bonding times---
Blessing and love as you walk your path.
Sallie

I am so sorry for your pain. Saying goodbye as they leave this world is very hard, yet ifs what we feel we need. I just want you to know he knew you loved him and I believe he did say good bye to you heart to heart.

I said good bye to Don. It only made me want him to stay here longer. Kind of like just stay for a little while longer. I am sorry for your pain. Sharon

I also left my Joe in the hospital and was told I would be taking him home in a few days. He was not able to speak due to the trach they had just put in his neck but for the first time since his accident they woke him that night from his sedation. He kept staring at me and I talked ot him. I explained that I knew he wanted to talk and the he was going to be ok. He was dazed but able to stick out his tongue to give me some answers. When I asked him if he wanted me to stay longer that night he stuck his tongue out so many times, so I understaood that he did. I stayed and helped him open his eyes to look at pictures of family and his precious Abbey Cat that he love so much.
Right before I left I told him I loved him and asked him if he loved me to stick out his tongue and he did. I then told him to relax and rest and I would be back in the morning. He turned his head away from me and closed his eyes. I thought he was resting like I told him too. I went back the hotel nearby to sleep and got a call at a bit after midnight saying he had a heartattack and expired!
Now that I look back on the whole situation, I feel that my Joe turned his head away so I would go and not see him suffer throw those last few hours of his life. He must have known he was leaving me. I am so blessed that he was able to say he loved me in such a special way.The last thing I saw of my joe was his eyes looking at me.
I felt bad for not being there with him when he left me but I feel that he must have wanted it this way.
Wow, that memory just flooded back to me when I have not thought about it for a while now!
Still having a very hard time but trying to hang on..Hugs to all, Ann

There is no easy way to lose a spouse. My first husband died suddenly of cardiac arrest. I wasn't there, but our 13 yr old son was. It was painful to look at his deceased body at the hospital. We didn't get to say goodbye except for my son. It was very painful for him.

My Joe died of lung cancer after 2 years of touch and go. He had a hole in his lung due to surgery that did not go well. We had 2 years to say all those things, but Joe suffered so very much. I can truly say that we left nothing unsaid to each other,but I'm so sorry he had to suffer those 2 years.

In the end, it is not what the last days were like that matters. It's what the other months/years that we spent together meant. It's like on your grave marker. It has the year of our birth and the year of our death on it. There is a dash between those years. That dash is the life we lived!! How did we spend our dash? That is what counts! I hope this thought helps those who were not there for the last moment. In the end, it does not really matter. I pray for healing for those of you who still feel anguish about not being there (through no fault of yours at all).

I am so sorry you were not able to tell him goodbye, but you are probably right, he was protecting you.

I was with Charlie when he took his last breath a little over 14 weeks ago, but he was sedated and on morphine. i was holding him and telling him I loved him. I even told him it was all right to go. I just don't know if he heard me.

These last few days I have been asking that question. Did he hear me? I used to have a sign in my sewing room that said "all I want is a little more than I'll ever get". I thought it meant diamonds, cars, a new home. What it really meant was one more minute with Chalrie and answers to some of those questions.

Love and Peace,
Julie

This is such a painful area for me, too. I play the last 16 days of Darrell's life over and over. He was not able to speak because of intubation and yes or no head-shaking works only so far. Drugged, bleeding, infused with every tube/needle/medication known to the medical world, he fought and fought, but his poor, tired body just couldn't do it this time. Son, daughters and I made the decision to release him from his agony - but, at my insistence, and mine only, he was not to be told about how he would be slowly released from this world. Now, I still wonder if that was the wisest decision...what if...? I watched the monitors as they, one by one, showed his decline and talked to him. But, his eyes - OH! his eyes - such sadness I have never seen and hope and pray never to see again! Yes, I was there - we all were - to witness his passing and hold his hand and tell him everything would be okay. I'm glad that we WERE there for him and got to say good-bye.

My guilt erupts from not talking more to him - at his end - about so many things and trying to hide what HE knew...this WAS the last time for him. I feel like I deprived him of that. I know, I know, EVERYONE - doctors, nurses, friends, family - simply EVERYONE has assured me that our decision was for the best and not to second-guess myself. But, no one sees my heart, nor do they know my darling like I do. It's just something I have to overcome MYSELF and I am and I will. Nightly, I pray for his forgiveness for so many things I did wrong, in hindsight (you all know what I'm talking about here); and nightly he forgives me and comforts me while I drift off to sleep...

Hugs,
Terry

I also do not think they is any good way to lose a spouse....I never got to say good-bye either as my husband passed suddenly. Maybe there is a reason that we will never know.....but it doesn't stop us from asking all the why's??.....
It took me between 6-7 months before the shock of his passing sunk in and at times I still wish it was a nightmare that I would wake up from.
It is a long hard journey but we will all walk togther and help each other however we can..................hugs

When I left the hospital at 9:15 pm one night I asked the desk people if they would call if it got worse (small 23 bed wonderful hospital). Said this through tears. I got home and they called about 10:15 and thought I shuld caome back for the night as they felt his breathing was one of a dying person. Back I went and he quit breathing at 5:30 AM. I am so glad I was with him, but will have that memory forever and ever.
I have guilt about that night because he was not able to speak much and we still had a lot to say to each other.
hugs, Valerie

Thank you to all my lovely DS friends for all ther comments and support today I really needed it . This is just what DS is all about having friends there when you need them , I dont know where we would all be without them so please eveyone lets not lose any more friends from the site we need all the friends we can get while we are going through this awful grieving process

Lots of hugs to all of you