Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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hope54 01/05/2013

My husband Ken passed away at the end of October after an 18 month battle with lung cancer. We were married for 38 years. Although the past two months have been the wost of my life I thought I was doing pretty good. I went back to work, I got throough the holidays, I have been out with friends and even gone out to dinner by myself. Even though the lonliness has been at times unbearable, I was functioning.

For some reason after the first of the year I am feeling so much worse. I can't stop crying, I feel more miserable than I did in the weeks following his death and I don't know what to do.

I miss him so much and I'm scared that I don't know how to go on without him. I think of all the firsts that I will have to get throough without him this year like his birthday anad our anniversary and summer, the birth of our first grandchild that will never know her grandfather and I don't know how I will get through it.

My friends have been wonderful but they don't understand how painful this is. Ken's last words to me were I love you and it hurts so bad to know I will never hear him say that again.

I know this is a process but after almost 40 years it is so hard not to be Ken and Rae. I don't know how to be me without him. We were one.

Will there ever be a day that I don't hurt this bad?

Rae

doyew 01/05/2013

I lost my husband 4 yrs. ago, and I am so sorry for the pain and loss you are enduring right now. My opinion: You were on "autopilot" for the first few weeks - sort of in a fog and just functioning as normally as possible. Now the reality of this huge loss is sinking in; you are feeling it more and all the activities of the holidays aren't there to distract you. There is no magic timeline when you will "feel better" and I'm sorry to say the first few months were extremely hard for me. You have to get thru all those birthdays, Valentine's Day, anniversary, etc. There is no way to avoid these, and different people find unique ways to cope. Come to this site often for encouragement - everyone will understand your feelings. If there is a grief support group in your city, you might find comfort there. There are also many books on coping with grief. My heart aches for you; My husband and I were married 50 years - and life goes on, but it is very different.
Hugs - Doye

deleted_user 01/05/2013

Hello Rae, I am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing. I lost the love of my life, Maria, just over 7 months ago and I feel the same as you. It has been an emotional rollercoaster ride but I have been functioning and getting stuff done...but from Christmas Eve still till today I am at the worst part of my grieving. I also can't stop crying and have pretty much shut myself in my home. Sorry to say but this cycle of grief will go on for quite a while so hold on and just believe that they are still with us, that they walk with us every step of this journey. Take one minute one hour one day at a time and dont be afraid to call on friends and family. and of course God when you are ready. God Bless You, I wish you some peace and comfort this new year.
Hugs Bernard

nowjustme 01/05/2013

Everyone says it gets better. I think it gets more tolerable. My Ken has been gone 16 months, and I still cry daily, it hurts, its hard it stinks! But what can we do? Just go on, try not to think too hard. Read books about other widows and see how they get through it.

Sometimes I think I am still on "autopilot" or I don't know how I would make it, never being alone before. You will have bad days even years later. A friend of mine had a major meltdown after 3 years, I expect it will hit me hard one day too. I still feel numb most days and just go on without thinking. Its so strange, I hate every minute of it.
Hugs,
JoAn

lostmygem 01/05/2013

Hello Rae,
I am so sorry for your loss.
I too lost my husband on Nov 3rd, 2012. It was sudden, unexpected and I didn't have the chance to tell him or have him tell me he loved me.I feel the same way that you do, I've already gone thru my birthday, the holidays and my newest grandson was born yesterday. It is bittersweet b/c my husband was so looking forward to the baby and he will never meet him.
It's hard, I haven't had a day since he passed that I haven't cried. I try to take it one day at a time b/c if I think about long term and what will never be, I feel like I can't even breathe. So instead I try to accept what has happened and do what everyone on this site recommends, be gentle with yourself. I take walks, I've started a gratitude journal, have read a few books on grieving. I Lost My Husband, Not My Mind,by Kathy Sheppard and I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye.
You are right, friends and family are so wonderful but they just don't know how it feels to loose the person you choose to spend your life with. No one can understand this unless they experience it. So this website has been my life line for the past few months. I wish for you what I wish for all of us on here, that each day that passes will make this journey just a little easier.

deleted_user 01/05/2013

so sorry I am going on wk 4 and I have older kids and younger kids. I did fine xmas and new year my bday was on the 3rd got through that ok but yesterday felt like day 1 all over again. I cried all day. By all means I have no experience here at all but I did pull out pictures and made two mini shrines for him like he asked that kept me busy and acctually brings comfort to look at the things he loved so much. He actually got to walk our daughter down the aisle and was excited for her wedding so when I look at those pictures I feel so much joy. My friend this is not going to be an easy ride so hold on with all your might and live a second at a time if thats all you can do. We are all here to support you and to listen (((((HUGS)))))

marjoe 01/05/2013

Yes, Rae, there will be. But it takes a long time, longer than the timeline a lot of us (along with society) set up in our own heads. I took it a day and sometimes an hour at a time - every day. And I still need to do it when my mind races ahead, projecting. Try not to think ahead to the firsts. Deal with them when they come up - you have enough on your mind for right now. Peace and hugs to you - Marsha

lovie4ever 01/05/2013

I'm coming up on one year in a couple of weeks and its no better for me- I think it was the unexpected aspect and it just blindsided me, I keep thinking how could this have happened to my handsome, strong man. I try to keep busy but at the end of the day it all boils down to missing him more than I can stand and feeling miserable and lonely. DS has been my savior in knowing I'm not alone ..

ohsolost 01/06/2013

Rae,

I am at 10 1/2 months and, yes, there have been many days when the hurt isn't as debilitating, as it was for the first 7 months for me. You will learn to be a person by yourself, eventually. It's no fun, but as you emerge, you may find that you quite like the new you you are becoming. This whole widow/widower thing is new to all of us but I find that coming to this site, as well as attending a hospice grief support group, has helped me on the way to becoming whole, once again. I still have tears - sometimes "hard" ones and other times, softer ones. But the difference now is that I don't have those massive meltdowns.

Please calm yourself in knowing that you CAN go on without him (at least without his physical presence). You may not want to, but you CAN. In fact, you can do just about anything you want to do. After several months, you will look back and be amazed at the strength you have had to keep on keepin' on. The journey is treacherous but you'll make it.

Hugs,
Terry

NewRoadsForMe 01/07/2013

Congratulations on having made it through the holidays. In January most people are looking forward to all the great things they think will happen this year. Instead of you feeling that way, you are looking forward at an seemingly empty screen. There is no way to not feel this way, as we all have experienced it. I felt the exact same thing as you. Who am I without him???? For along time I felt like a big fat nothing. I cried and cried, envisioning a hopeless, dark future. THIS WAS NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFE!!! No one wanted this to happen in their life, so you are feeling very normal feelings. Your task right now is to hold on even though your heart may not want to. Give yourself a gentle nudge to get out and do something, especially for someone else. I volunteered at the animal shelter one day when we washed out the dog cages out in the yard. We ended up spraying each other with the water hoses and laughing our butts off! That is a day I remember well. It was very healing to do that.

I pray that you will find some way to take yourself out of your lonely world and do something, anything that is working with and helping others. That is what helped me to return to the land of the living. Best wishes, warm hugs, and please remember we care about you!

jerseydebbie 01/07/2013

This was my fourth holiday season without my husband. I loathe Christmas/NY for several reasons, but Christmas Day hit me like a ton of bricks. Have been emotional ever since.

He is supposed to be here, and he isn't, and he can't. The feeling of his absence is terrible. We were together 38 years.

Your feelings are perfectly normal. I also in my first year just could not function and didn't know how I could continue living without him. But I have and I am. The second year, for me, wasn't any better, maybe even worse than the first.

We don't get over this, and there isn't anything to fix it. My explanation is that we adapt to losing them, and knowing full well that we will be with them again. In the meantime, do the best you can, openly talk to him, and everything else will fall into place.

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