Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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wendimac 03/27/2015

It's been a full week since my husband passed. And I keep wondering, 'what if we had done this? what if we had done that? Tom was never one to follow doctor's orders...he took a lot of painkillers for arthritis, and for an injury he had sustained two years ago. When I noticed that his abdomen was distended, we thought it was a cracked rib. Sent him to the hospital, he came home two hours later and told me he was 'okay'...two months later, he was admitted to the hospital again, and was diagnosed with end stage liver disease. Two months after that, he was gone. I can't help feeling like I had failed him somehow...he had wanted to come home, so I had it all set up to get a hospital bed and medical supplies delivered to our home. That week he took a turn for the worse,and the doctor 'postponed' everything...he got a little better, then worse again...by the time he went into hospice, he was so emaciated and could barely talk...3 days later, he was gone. My feelings of hopelessness grows deeper every day...I am so overwhelmingly sad, I can't stop crying and I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel..
To add insult to injury, I can't find my marriage certificate, and everything with regard to the funeral is 'on hold' until I can 'prove' that he was my husband...I retained my maiden name when we were married, so that doesn't help. I do have a 19 year old son with him, but he is autistic and non verbal, and therefore can't make request on his dad's behalf... It's too late to save his life, but now all I want to do is bring his remains home. (sorry for rambling)
It just gets more hopeless every day...I want to find a way out of this darkness so badly, but it's like I'm completely lost in despair...

dcheramie 03/27/2015

I am so very sorry you have had to join this 'club' and for your loss.

unfortunately, the what if" game is very tempting to play..I think there is not one person on this board who is not familiar with it..we have all done it.

You did not fail him.

you are right at the very beginning of this, and its so very hard. I'm not sure if this is for your area, but your profile says Vancouver area ; maybe this will help, this is supposed to be directions to order a copy of your certificate ; maybe the "credit card over the phone" option would get someone on the phone would could assist/expedite this for you

https://www.vs.gov.bc.ca/marriage/certified_reg_req.html

wendimac 03/27/2015

Thank you for the encouragement, and for the link...
having to 'prove' that I was married to my husband of 20 years is like rubbing salt into the wound...I don't feel like I can even begin to heal until I've brought him home...

dschwartz 03/27/2015

Oh Wendi . . we've all played the "what if" game. I can assure you that it's pointless. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. This is not your fault and there is NOTHING you could have, should have done differently. Please don't internalize your anger or direct at self. Not healthy for you or your son. I strongly suggest finding a good grief counselor and/or local grief group. Stay with us on DS . . there's a bevy of support to be found here as well. You are not alone. Hugs, Dayna

statsmaster 03/27/2015

Wendi, In MT you can be commonlaw married by a notarized document. We had no marriagre license so I ran into the samb BS with Social Security, first proving I was legally divorced in 1971 so I could remarry SJ.Took about 3 months of SS BS to finally get them to recognize the fact that I was indeed married to SJ. As you say give me a shaker of salt and make things as difficult as possible. Worked out in the end but was a big PIA.

Dewman

themaster 03/27/2015

The "What Ifs" seem to roll on in, I know... I was thinking of those, yesterday on dcheramie's blog:

https://dcheramie.wordpress.com/2014/11/16/11-16-14-evening-after-9pm/#comment-9

"My wife, Wanda, died in bed, alone. I was in the other room sleeping, because she snored and I couldnt sleep with her snoring. Ive been kicking myself for that. Maybe I could have done something, if I were in the same room. But I will never know. Doesnt stop me from kicking myself and feeling even more horrible. Everyone tells me its not my fault, but that part, I feel it is. I was so concerned about getting a nights sleep. I got up for work and left, while she lied in bed, dead. Im sure of it, because her alarm went off at 7AM. I left the house at 6:30AM. When I found her, she was laying in a normal sleeping position. There were no signs of her struggling or writhing around. She could have very well been asleep."

matoacalady 03/27/2015

I am so sorry Wendi.....but I do know playing the what ifs will get you in real emotional trouble.

I did not have to show a marriage cert. at the funeral home here in the states, I will when I go to SS next week....but you are not in the US so your laws may be different. Can you obtain one......?

mannie123 03/27/2015

I am sorry for your loss. It is so incredibly hard to deal with in the beginning. You will find your way out of the darkness, it just takes time. Right now try to take care of yourself and your son. Make sure you drink lots of water.
I "what if" way more than I should. I know that it changes nothing other than making me more upset. My husband, like yours, was not one to follow doctors orders either. But he was an adult who made his own decisions. Sometimes I could influence those decisions and sometimes he did things in his own stubborn way.

Lisastp 03/27/2015

I understand exactly how you feel. It's still a shock at this point and we question everything to see if there was some way we could have controlled the situation and changed the outcome. For me, the 8 week grief counseling group I attended really helped give me some ways to deal with this overwhelming "what if" thinking. The counselor said when I think of "what if" I should also complete the sentence by adding "but even if." So when I think about the fact that my darling husband did not want to go to the hospital or urgent care and wouldn't go even when I said we should, and I say to myself "what if I had just made him go by insisting upon it?" I also need to complete that logical thought by saying to myself "but even if we had gone right away, his condition was very severe and the outcome most likely would have been the same." So the counselor said that the "what if's" are really feelings/emotions. And she urged us to try to add some reasoning and facts into our thinking. It's hard, but it did help me. The what ifs are very painful feelings.

cdameron 03/27/2015

Wendimac - I am so so sorry for your loss, the lose of a partner, friend, lover is devastating, and the journey back is long.

As many have said, we have all played the "What if game" - it is a horrible game, that drags us backward.

There is nothing you could have done to have changed the outcome of this, no matter how many times you go back and replay it in your head.

You did the best you could with the circumstances what they were, you loved him, and cared for him, and he knows this.

You are very new on this journey, please make sure you take care of yourself, eat, sleep, as much as you can, we know it is difficult, but your body does need it.

We will be here with you through this journey, you are not alone, many of us are new like you, and others have been on it for longer.

Please feel free to vent, ask questions, and read others posts, I am thankful for DS - and this group, I am not sure I would have made it this far with out them.

Most importantly remember that you are not alone in this journey we are here to wak right along side you.

Shrn 03/27/2015

Oh yes, I played the what if game in my head too. I think Lisastp's counselor gave great advice. I know in my head that I had no control over what happened, but my heart hurts so much it couldn't be true. My husband had lymphoma and we celebrated 5 years cancer free. That raised the odds of his survival. We were told to return in a year for another check, but didn't because we were selling our house to downsize. We thought we had won. Within two years he was gone. So, yes, I felt at fault.

The bottom line is that nothing would have changed. I know that now. His returning cancer was very aggressive in his lungs. We had no control over it. Neither did you. Sharon

jeanatds 03/27/2015

My heart goes out to you Wendi. The red tape is so magnified, so incredibly absurd when you're feelings are this raw. It is a rawness that will get better with time and the darkness will subside. My what if....if we weren't having a marital spat he wouldn't have been where he was and had the accident. So marriages should be perfect....
Lots of good advice here, and lots of love and compassion. Hugs to you and your son.
Jean

MrsLfromTX 03/28/2015

Your loss is overwhelming and the stress about the paperwork and marriage certificate just adds fuel to the fire. Many times I believe we feel guilt because we wish we could go back and change things. Losing your spouse is tough and the crying is expected because of your love for him.
You sound especially down and it is so unhealthy for people like us that are grieving. Talk to your doctor if you have not already. I thought I would be okay taking care of my husband who had cancer for the 2nd time and the day I had to rush him to the E.R. I was in a panic and knew doing everything I had to do was totally overwhelming and I asked my doctor for help. He immediately called in a prescription for me. Anti -depressants & anti -panic meds. In 2weeks I felt so much better and had more control and was able to cope better too. Sometimes we need help and should seek it.
I still cry for my hubby whom I miss so much but I can get through most days and get chores done. Then I talk to my family and my husband's family daily . Then I found this site!
Don't let yourself get so down that you hurt yourself and continue falling deeper into depression.
I wish you better days ahead. I lost my love 5 months ago and sometimes feel time doesn't heal, at least for me
But overall I am coping and am trying to make my husband proud.
Please take care . I know the hurt you feel and the awful memories that won't go away. Being there for our spouse is what counted.

GeorgiaW 03/28/2015

It's been six weeks since my husband died and I still play the what if game. I don't think we can help it when we've lost the love of our life. It just seems wrong that there wasn't something we could have done to keep them with us longer
I also have to struggle with the reality that my husbands own stubborn refusal to go to the ER earlier contributed to his death. If I could have gotten him in the day before I feel sure he would have lived but he would not go
Now I work to believe he died as he would have wanted to, without surgeries, hospital beds and a the declining care that was soon to follow if he had lived

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