Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

2 Year Anniversary

calgaryhair
calgaryhair

Tomorrow will be 2 years since my husband Ron passed away from COPD. I well remember the first few weeks after his passing. I thought I was having a heart attack. the pressure in my chest hurt but I knew deep down inside it is called grief. Slowly the pressure went away but the tears didnot. I would wake up in the middle of the night and come to Daily Strength and just read everyone and anyone's posts. I just had to know I was not alone. One night I posted a message while crying and within minutes received replies letting me know I was not alone. I truly feel Daily Strength showed me the way. How to slowly walk down this tragic path. I learned so much from others walking with me. To be knid to yourself. Some day you will smile again. Now it is my turn to return thr life saving lessons I have learned. Be kind to yourself. Your loved one would want to know you are trying the very best you can. You are the only person you will live with for the rest of your life. You will always be there for you. Treat yourself. Buy yourself a new lipstick or something that makes you feel good. Even if it is for just today. I promise you that one day YOU will smaile again and actually feel happy. I miss Ron every day and even had some tears this morning as I reminded him he still is the love of my life. But I am enbracing my new life. I never would have imagined that I would one day like living by myself. Just me and my little dog. My life is full. Different but full. Our son had to go for therepy after Ron died. It just broke him up to loose his Dad but he is doing great now though he too still and always will miss Dad. I really do not think I will ever experience anything that painful again. But it made me strong and my heart breaks for those who are new to this life experience. Please take your left arm and put it on your right shoulder. Now take your right arm and put it on your left shoulder. That is me giving you a hug. Thank you everyone from  Daily Strength! love, Diane

kdg2016
kdg2016
Thank you for your post. It made me cry but a good cry, knowing I am going to make it. My husband passed Aug 2016 from COPD to. Just a horrible disease. Knowing I am living by myself which I absoutley hate. But I believe this is going to make me strong each night is not as bad the last one. My son has a girlfriend and you know how that is but he tries to stay 2-3 times a week. I love the support I get from this group. Thanks so much and giant hugs to everyone
scottito
scottito
Wonderful post Diane. Thank you for your words. No doubt about it, my wife's death profoundly changed me, and I believe for the better. It seems I have new insight into the importance of my moments, whether by myself, with my puppy, with friends, or with lovers. And you are so right about treating ourselves. No one else is going to do it. And right now, I need no one's permission nor do I have to consider the big picture. This is my selfish time. For 30 years I supported others, financially, morally, being the example. Now, I am exploring. What do I like, what do I want to do, what interests me today. No more life planning. I so live it now one day at a time because I learned the hard way that is all any of us are promised. I am living a life of no regrets. But all that being said, I have such a deeper compassion for others, want to help anyone that will accept my help, and love with all of my heart. Bottom line is we can't do a thing to change the horrible nightmare each of us have experienced. But it is up to us to rise above it all when we are able, always by baby steps. And it is those steps that are so minuscule that we don't even know we are taking them. And at some point we can look back and see that our open wounds are healed. Oh, the wounds are still there, but now they are covered with the new joys and experiences of life we allow ourselves to have. I thank you for triggering these thoughts from within me. Done wrote myself happy! God bless each and everyone here. ~~~ Scottie
mysweetie2
mysweetie2
Diane, I'm at 19 1/2 months since Dennis passed, and I like you never thought that I would reach a place of acceptance that's he's really gone..but I have..I too live by myself and I'm getting to like me..and my new normal..I also know Dennis wouldn't want me to go on grieving forever..He was and optimist, generous and had a great sense of humor...
I'm fortunate to have good family support..My granddaughter a few months back, said when I was having a bad day..just think grandma if you and grandpa hadn't got married I my mom and aunts and cousins wouldn't be here.. Kind of put things in a new light, as too why we are here..
I continue to miss and love Dennis, everyday..but I know I'll see him again, I've had too many signs from my skeptic not too believe that...
I always think of the song by Garth Brooks..(The Dance).I might have missed the pain, but I would have missed the dance.... I'm glad my dance card was full...;-)
Happy trails and many hugs...Gail....
raininseattle
raininseattle
I saw it somewhere that people call it the Angel-versary. Keep a good thought and memory - not that you need to be reminded.

This is a poem I have always loved, and worthwhile to repost it:

Love After Love - Poem by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
calgaryhair
calgaryhair
Thank You for the posts. I am reliving the day 2 years ago. Woke up at 4am and thought we were just coming home from the hospital exactly at that time and woke up at 6am exactly the same time as 2 years ago. I have had to many signs to not believe we will all be together again. I strongly believe in the afterlife! Ron suffered so much and I know you understand when I say I am glad the pain is over for him! The quality of life was over and he would have had to go into a care center. Early stages of dementia. How could we wish that on anyone? I get excited about my future! I treated myself to a trip to Hawaii on the 1st anniversary. Loved it and no way can anyone be sad in Hawaii haha! I want to do more traveling. Retire someday. Too many more books to read and movies to see. Lunches with girlfriends and to date. I have been asked out for dinner. At first I said I wasn't ready but who would it hurt? Not like we are going to bed or anything. My Son became very quiet when I told him but he said, " Mom you have a life to live". It isn't adultery. But I will feel guilty. But time for the next step. Thank you for your support.
Brave1Atl
Brave1Atl
Well that was a tear jerker! But thank you sooooo much, Dianne. I'm new to this God awful journey (5 weeks) and I feel like I'm drowning from tears. I own a business and have to suck it up everyday for my 8 employees, and take business calls and thank people for their condolences. But when I get home, it's me and my dogs, and I just cry. I'm trying to eat, drink water and sleep. But even that's a challenge.
I'm so glad to hear your positivity and those of many responding to this thread. It gives me hope that maybe someday the tears will slowdown and I won't feel like I'm drowning. And maybe I'll enjoy food and sleep and living alone, and maybe even an occasional smile.
calgaryhair
calgaryhair
You will! I promise you! But I know you cannot imagine feeling any happiness or contentment today. At 5 weeks I remember sitting in a chair waiting for my heart to stop. I really did not think my body could survive this intense grief and shock. I also have a business and keeping busy helped me. I must have had the cleanest house on the block haha! Scrubbing floors at 10pm because I could not imagine my life without Ron. I listened to a lot of widows and they said the same as I am telling you now. You will never ever forget your husband and I still have cries when I wish he were here too answer a question about my business. Or just for a hug. You will find your passion for life again. It just takes time.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
Thank you for posting and letting us know how you are. I am glad to hear you have been able to reach a place of peace. It's been over 9 years for me, and in the early days I could never have imagined being happy or even content again. But I am. It's not an overnight process, that's for sure, but it is SO worth it to not give up. I know I would have missed so much! Cliff is a part of who I am and he will never be forgotten, but thinking of him no longer causes the deep gut-wrenching pain it once did. On his "angel-versary" I usually wake up at the same time he died. At first that happened each month on the same day of the month, now it happens every year. It's weird, but I accept it. He still visits in my dreams, too. And every so often, there will be some other odd thing that I know is him - like feeling someone stroke my hair when no one is there - he loved my long hair. It does get easier, and life can be good again.

Love and Hugs,
Martha
shelda
shelda
I too have lost before and i know it gets easier But its the worst trip . Loving yourself and forgiving is the only way. Trying to see the positive..my husband had COPD too the last 2 years were a maze of hospitals and Doctors. I knew he was struggling everyday for a breath and yet i wish he were here..sounds greedy but i wanted him to get better and live till 100 or more. I have to learn to feel it was better for him to be with God. With my first I learned to feel it was Gods plan for him to fall off that building and die.When he was 20 years old...its like i am going through both of their deaths at the same time..never mind my Mother and Aunt who ended up raising me more or less with my sister and brother. Acceptance is the key possibly to start healing and i am no where near that yet.
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