I have learned that there is nothing "normal" about grief and what it's torture does to us. On the other hand, it is perfectly "normal" to feel like you are going crazy and need professional help.

The reality is that you lost your husband 2 months and 3 days ago, (but who's counting?), and you are still in a state of shock. Be good to yourself, and let go and let God. (Easy for me to say, but oh so very hard to do)..........Joe....:-)

Thank you, Joe. I must remember to Let go and Let God - somebody else told me that and I forgot.
I am still in shock. It comes and goes. I just hate hurting those around me - particularly when it's not even their fault.

I believe this is very normal, when you are grieving your mind is always going a mile a minute. half the time you're thinking about how life was and half the time you're thinking about how you're going to live without your other half. Living alone is not easy after you lived with someone your whole life.You will calm down soon enough like everything you're going through right now it will get a little easier with time.Believe me at one time or another we all thought we needed professional help.
I'm sure you felt bad about what happened with the painting but we all forget things I'm sure he understands.
Try not to beat yourself up and you don't need to feel silly for double locking the doors and feeling the need to protect yourself a lot of people do that too...Take care...John

I am smiling a little at your posting........not at you....but at memories of some of the things I did and felt at first. I was so "crazy" in my grief that I was convinced I had gone off the edge and the kids would be fitting me with one of those white jackets that have the sleeves that fasten "in back"!!! You are in a state of shock so just try to be good to yourself and don't worry if you can. It will get better and easier.......there will still be "rough days and nights" but God will be there for you......even when you think He isn't.......and we will be here to comfort and support you like the others did for us when we were "new" to the journey. All these feelings you have are normal and a part of the journey.
Hugs, Dianne

I expect it's normal,

I think that when we have a catastrophic loss we start to think "what else that I trusted would always be there might I lose now?"

To an extent we lose trust in the world.

I remember getting totally stressed when I didn't hear from my daughter one day.

if it becomes intrusive then maybe talk to someone profesionally - but only if it really starts to bother you.

I have come to believe grief has different stages and different experiences for all of us. I have also experienced the same paranoia, leaving all security lights on, and to the extent of playing the role of watchman, moving around my house, peeping out to see the imaginary intruder etc., What i have come to appreciate is that God really is our protector and has always been, my husband was not, God was. Saying this makes me feel much better, with the loss of our spouse, we feel a huge part of us has gone and only God can fill that gap. Take heart, the insecurity feeling will fade out with time, and as they say time heals many wounds, we can only pray that the time is shorter. Cheers.

I go through this well. I went the extra mile and installed motion detector lights above the barn doors. I live in the country and I am aware of each sound. Safe is good, and I don't want to feel like I am a target for vandals. peace...Kaaren

You wonderful people have really hit the nail on the head with your comments and insight. Thank you! Curious fish said "what else in the world have I trusted....." That describes the feeling perfectly! I guess I'm afraid that everything will be taken away - not just hubby. However, I just feel bad that I am taking my anger out on people closest to me.

Curious fish also said he was stressed not hearing from his daughter one day. Well, this very same Son (of my husband's) who I lit into for taking the painting, the day before I was going to call 911 on because of some freaky telephone connection. Turns out he had pushed "redial" instead of something else, so his number showed up on my phone display and when I answered it, I heard some weird noises. So, on the one hand I was ready to call 911 out of concern and the next day I was ready to call the police on him for taking a picture!! Some days I do feel like I am really going off the deep end and I fear for my sanity.

So I am grateful to all of you for your support.
And Marine Widow - thanks for also putting into words what I am feeling. I want to be safe and not a target. I also have motion lights in the front of my house.

Wambu said that our husbands are not our protectors - God is. I have to remember that. It was odd in the last years while David was on oxygen. I knew that if an intruder were to break into our home, dear David could do absolutely nothing. Could not even run. But, just having him near me gave me a sense of safety. Ironic, isn't it?

Yes, I think so. I was the same way for at least 4 months. I kept a loaded pistol next to my bed. Hid everything and took valuables somewhere else. Our minds are way out there at times, especially now. I even went as far as starting fights, something I don't normally do. Gosh, our worlds have been turned upside down, nothing seems right, we are lost and confused, all of this is to be expected. Don't beat yourself up. I forgot so many things that I told other people and ran on auto pilot for quite sometime. This will pass.

Normal unfortunately all to normal, I feel like this sometimes and I know that it is due to my protector being gone. We tend to be very vulnerable and forgetful at the same time, I know my brain doens't function accurately the majority of the time.

~HUGS~ to you
Donale
pronounced Donna Lee