Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Letting go.....

NewRoadsForMe
NewRoadsForMe
For a year now, all my thoughts have been about Joe, how much we loved each other, all the things we did together, dreaming the impossible dream that by some miracle he will come back (irrational, but emotional). I've had tremendous anguish, anger, fear, hope, sadness...All around the house are pictures of him. He is a major part of every day for me. Therefore, I cry a lot. I had a revelation a couple of days ago. The truth is that he will never come back to me here on earth, NEVER. Inadvertently, I have tried to keep him in my life by surrounding myself with everything "Joe". My life has seemed useless, I've had many thoughts of suicide (but wouldn't). I keep thinking I am "stuck" because I am not getting any better. The realization came to me this week that I must try to stop making him a part of every day as the principal part. The truth is, I have to let go. I have no future as long as I live in the past. I have to put away the dozens of pictures I have all over the place, leaving one professional photo on the mantel, finish disbursing his clothing and other effects. I am sick of being sad. I am sick of being angry. I am sick of not being happy. I don't want another man. I want a life that is joy to me every day. I have to build on that or I will never ever live again. I have to let go. I never thought I would say that because I refused to let go. But now, I know I have to release the iron grip I have on him and acknowledge that our life here is over. Constant prayer has kept me alive and will open doors to me now so that I can do whatever it is God wants from me as long as I am still here. Are any of you having an impossible time "LETTING GO" after a "reasonable" period of time?
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie
It has been 20 months for me. Instead of letting go, I have adapted to living without Richard's physical presence. However, his spiritual presence is always with me. I kept a few pieces of his favorite clothing and articles, which are stored on his side of the closet where he left them. His golf and bowling gear sits in the garage. These are things I will not part with. Like yourself, another man is not a choice or an option for me. Instead, I am enjoying the freedom of living on my own, which I never thought I would be able to do, let alone voice out. My husband was such a part of me, and we had 38 years together, that it is not possible for me to let go, nor do I need to. Life now is OK just the way it is.
limasc
limasc
I lost my husband Oct 2009. A few months ago i realized that I had only moved so far forward and seemed to sit there, stuck like you. I finally decided that I have to be proactive in my recovery, it wasn't gonna get better just because another day passed. I decided to try therapy and it has helped a lot. It let me get out the things i'd been holding on to. Getting them out and moving past them. I also realized there were changes I needed to make in my life. I have made my home and my life more about me and my son. There are still pictures of my husband around, but not quite as many. His stuff is still in a few closets, but not on the coatrack or sitting on the dressers.

Congratulations to you for realizing you needed to make a change. Good luck to you as well. Lisa
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe
If I'm reading you, it's the letting go of the feeling that this is a dream sometimes? Sounds pretty damn normal to me. I was kind of like Tru, in that I had this fear that I would wake every morning and think it was a dream - that never happened. Letting go of stuff? You don't have to do anything, save what you feel ok with. I've been doing it in increments for 2.5 years, starting with the day after he died when I took down 2 hideous pictures that he loved and I hated. I have no idea why. And btw, what the heck is a "reasonable" period of time? I keep telling myself this, but my heart tells me otherwise. I think what I'm saying is grief to joy takes a lot of steps in between. And I think your questioning is a good start.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am very new here, and I just lost my husband a month ago. I still cannot believe it. I think the fear has been debilitating for me. I am crying so much that I got an eye infection. I feel like there was not a whole lot resolved before my husbands death. He was so sick that he could not be here for me emotionally..for the past year and a half. I am so sad, because I love him so much...I know he wont come back, but am afraid of being alone. I dont know what to do to help myself, so I just keep busy, and get very little sleep. I hope it gets better very soon. Jeannie
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm letting go, but I don't know how to express that to our friends. For me it's doing it in little steps. When I tell anyone, they think I am ''cured'' of the illness of widowhood!!! So I don't say anything. I've been going new places, trying new things, getting myself ''out there''. Something will click. I feel that I was so lucky to have had someone to love me, and to love for 39 years. I keep that in my heart and thoughts. As far as the ''stuff'' - that's all it is. I am so wanting to go really zen in my decorating - now it's eclectic antiques in the poverty/Goodwill style!. I want to just get rid of everything. I'll put all the ''stuff'' in boxes in the garage, just in case my zen days go away!!! I still don't know what I'll be when I grow up.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I sure understand what you're saying. After almost 7 months I know that I need to let go too. I have already given up his things, except those I will keep indefinitely; letting him go in my mind is another thing. I don't mean forgetting but more living my life for me without him in every thought of everyday. I do find joy in many days... now if I can just not feel guilty for doing so. Hope you are able to find your joy !! Hugs, Kathy
deleted_user
deleted_user
I lost my fiance 21 years ago. It destroyed me and I couldn't let go either. The only thing that saved me was that I was pregnant with our daughter. When my husband died I decided I couldn't go back to that place I was before. I put most things, pictures, clothes, etc, away so that I could heal without all of the reminders in front of me. I still have trouble seeing a picture of him or hearing certain songs, but I keep looking forward to the future and try to look positive. I'm so scared of being alone and I miss him sooo much, but I know I have to live life the way it is now.