Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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NewRoadsForMe 01/22/2011

For a year now, all my thoughts have been about Joe, how much we loved each other, all the things we did together, dreaming the impossible dream that by some miracle he will come back (irrational, but emotional). I've had tremendous anguish, anger, fear, hope, sadness...All around the house are pictures of him. He is a major part of every day for me. Therefore, I cry a lot. I had a revelation a couple of days ago. The truth is that he will never come back to me here on earth, NEVER. Inadvertently, I have tried to keep him in my life by surrounding myself with everything "Joe". My life has seemed useless, I've had many thoughts of suicide (but wouldn't). I keep thinking I am "stuck" because I am not getting any better. The realization came to me this week that I must try to stop making him a part of every day as the principal part. The truth is, I have to let go. I have no future as long as I live in the past. I have to put away the dozens of pictures I have all over the place, leaving one professional photo on the mantel, finish disbursing his clothing and other effects. I am sick of being sad. I am sick of being angry. I am sick of not being happy. I don't want another man. I want a life that is joy to me every day. I have to build on that or I will never ever live again. I have to let go. I never thought I would say that because I refused to let go. But now, I know I have to release the iron grip I have on him and acknowledge that our life here is over. Constant prayer has kept me alive and will open doors to me now so that I can do whatever it is God wants from me as long as I am still here. Are any of you having an impossible time "LETTING GO" after a "reasonable" period of time?

deleted_user 01/22/2011

Good for you. Letting go is a major step.

I would offer one piece of advice. Keep some small things that remind you of your life together. I kept my husbands dog tags and several little knick knacks that he enjoyed.

Hugs, Holly

deleted_user 01/22/2011

At one point I was feeling as you were and wondered if I had to let go to be able to move forward. Looking back, I think I was petrified at handling everything in my life on my own. My mindset has changed after 13 months and the pain is not raw anymore, so I'm thinking clearer and able to problem solve like crazy. I have boosted my confidence and know that Mike would be very proud of me. I can just hear him saying that I had the ability all along and that I just needed to believe in myself. I'm starting to recognize how far I've come and now realize that I'm going to make it. My house is full of Mike's pictures and I talk to him everyday. Sometimes I get sad, which brings me even closer to him, but he, God, and my newfound confidence are what's giving me the strength to move forward- so I will never let go and don't think that I have to.

deleted_user 01/22/2011

Yes! I have to a point but often to often I still long for yesterdays!

deleted_user 01/22/2011

I am still very new here, and i am in NO way ready to "let go" of anything, but i do respect and pray for those that are willing or needidng to take that step for their own personal healing. I have seen here, some need to let completely go , some dont want to let go at all, and some fall right smack in the middle. The fact is, even here where we all understand one anothers pain (to a degree) we are all still dealing with this hell in our own unique way. No two people are the same, in life or on DS. So I pray for all, who do what they feel they must to survive one moment at a time. Prayers for ALL.

cliffskat 01/22/2011

I think it is not so much letting go of them but of letting go of the pain associated with loving them (as they are no longer here). Sometimes we hold onto the pain thinking that is all that is left of them to hold onto, but that's not true. Your husband will always be part of you. No one can take away your history - it's still YOUR history, not just his.

It takes a lot of courage to let go of the pain and reach for a new life - it feels like stepping off into space and not being sure where you will land - or even if you will land. The thing is, once you stop associating your memories and feelings solely with the pain of missing them, then you can enjoy the comfort and joy of the memories. At that point, you can find a modicum of gratitude for what you have experienced. It's not perfect, but it is better.

I found for myself that I had to decide to live again, even when I didn't know what that would mean - which is scary too. I think that's where you're at now, too, which is good.

The "stuff" is another matter altogether. Just so you know, there is no time-table for doing that other than whatever you feel you can do. You don't have to, as a matter of fact. One piece of advice that really helped me was to take photos of things I was getting rid of so I would still have reminders of good memories without having a house full of stuff. And my older son said it best - "Dad wasn't about 'stuff.' That's not how I think of him."

Hang in there. Love and Hugs, Martha

deleted_user 01/22/2011

I'm having a very hard time letting go.... but I too, realize that Its time now to let go and go on with my life. I just wish I knew how......

Parmela 01/22/2011

This is such a personal journey. Therefore, there are no right or wrong answers. You just have to do what you think is right for you. Your heart and soul will guide you.

Nicker07 01/22/2011

Because of "stuff" his kids wanted I had to almost immediatley go through STUFF. I took photo copies of important "Stuff" to put in a scrapbook because altho' there were awards, 30 yr plak of retirement ITS just stuff, a scrapbook is full of memories so it helped me let go of them.

There are a few things of stuff I will never let go of but its the stuff that has decluttered my life that made me feel better. And gave me room to put in MY STUFF FOR MY HOME. To me & maybe cuz I was single long time before meeting him it made me feel better to do something for ME to make it my place now.

I know for some getting rid of his stuff is extremely hard. FOr me it was harder to keep it there.

deleted_user 01/22/2011

I am very new here, so my comments might not mean much. I have to move out of the church owned housing in tow weeks. My husband has been gone 18 days. I have packed his things and will take them with me. Some careful thought will have to go into getting rid of anyhting. My kids are young and may want some of those things down the road.

Celia

deauxgirl 01/22/2011

It's been 16 months for me. I have pictures all over the house, but I just realized last night, I don't have one in the bedroom, strange. Anyway, there was an show on last night, that I love, and I think it was the last one. It is Medium. Her husband died in a plane crash, and she sees dead people, when she dreams. She saw him, and thought he was alive, he had to tell her, that he was dead, and that he couldn't touch or kiss her because he had moved on. The show went on until her death, and there he was waiting for her. I really meant alot to me. My husband and I would watch that show every week. It makes me feel better, that it ended this way.
Anyway about letting go. I'm finding myself, not thinking about my husband as much, so I guess it is gradual for me. I still have to get rid of alot of his stuff. I think we have to do it in our own time.
Paula

Truhal 01/23/2011

I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with me on this group, but I let go immediately. I loved my husband deeply, but immediately felt the need to move on because I had no choice. This is what I did: I gave away all of his clothes, throwing some of them away that weren't worth saving. I got rid of all the furniture, including a brand-new mattress. I moved to another apartment and redecorated it in my own style. I even got a new birdcage. There is virtually nothing in sight that reminds me of my old life except for the wedding band I wear. I'll take that off on the one year anniversary of his passing.

I don't display pictures either. I don't display memorbilia from past trips we enjoyed. What I'm doing is forcing myself into the future. The past is gone and there is nothing I can do about it.

As for memories, I carry them in my heart. I think of him everyday. But the future is his daughter and my two grandkids. I see my husband in their smiles. They are my future and I want to spend as much time with them as possible.

It's been nearly a year since I moved into this new world and I don't regret what I did. I think it has made it easier for me. I haven't cried in months. I sleep well. I'm cooking again. If I could change things, I'd trade everything I now have for my old life. But that's just not possible, so I move on.

laurabp 01/23/2011

Good for you! You sound like you are making progress in proceding into your "new" life by focusing on the future rather than the past. I found that at first I was afraid I would lose the memories, but when I started letting go of consciously remembering, I found that my head was full of good memories, things he used to say and do, and they just came naturally without any effort. I think when it comes to putting away pictures and other things, you should do what feels right for you. I have a lot of pictures of my husband around, and it works for me. Also some knick-knacks and wall hangings, along with new ones that I have recently purchased for myself. I still drink my coffee in a mug he gave me for one of my birthdays. What I never did was to go to extremes, neither getting rid of every sign or his existence, nor keeping everything exactly the same - I found a balance. You need to do what works for you. Hugs, laurabp

deleted_user 01/23/2011

Hello: I lost the love of my live on January 27, 2010. I felt the same way you did and all I wanted to do was stay home and stay focused on John. Now that a year has transpired, I'm still not ready to let go but my confidence is coming back and I want to move forward. I'm not ready to take down his pictures yet but I have disbursed his clothing, keeping only those that were very sentimental. Please know that you are not alone in your grief. Y

pattiameo 01/23/2011

I am one of the odd ones. I had to let go right away. My family moved me down to live near them, so that was easy. They gave away his clothes, my neighbors sold tons of stuff for me, so they have helped me to let go without really knowing it. I found pictures too painful to look at, so I put them away right away. I do still have our furniture, much of which he made, because I cannot afford to buy any. I cannot keep memorabilia about. The only one I have is his fireman's memorial on the wall. My memories are also in my heart and mind, which is hard enough to handle without any visual reminders. This is the only way that I can put 'one foot in front of the other' and take those 'baby steps'.

I did have a setback today with a lot tears, which has not happened for a couple of months at least.

It sounds as if letting go is right for you now, you seem ready. I hope so!

Hugs, Patti

michaelbmanning 01/23/2011

I thought I was holding up well till all the kids got sick. Just when they were on the road to recovery, the flu hit me. That was when my state of mind went down hill. Mike is gone. There is no one to grab a sick child, no one to get them to the doctor while I am too ill to drive, no one to make the early morning diaper changes. No one. I got angry for the first time; really pissed at Mike for leaving all of us. The comfort I have is looking at the photos around the house; the family pictures, the wedding portrait, the diploma on the office wall. These things hold some bita and pieces of my life together. My old life was happy, and my new life is a wreck.

Maggie

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