Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
The first year was hard. Just raw pain. Didn't know what to do. Kept feeling like it was him coming home every time I heard a car coming up the street. Didn't feel real.
The second year was the hardest. Everything real now. Couldn't lie to myself. The car coming up the road belonged to another house. Another life. Hard looking at older couples sometimes. No growing old together. We grew middle-aged together. I felt hollow. Scared. No protector. Nothing to look forward to. Deep pain and sorrow that awoke me in the night.
The third year I started living--joined a health club. Got a few new friends. Old friends gone as they were our friends and I was a reminder of what was to come. Anyhow, I started living, but it was forced, like I was making myself laugh. I came to this support group often, with everything from how to go on living to how to fix something in my house. The fear I felt at this stage was profound, but there was some joy mixed in. Yet the pain persisted: my husband was gone and I was still here.
The third year was the year I decided to grow younger--meaning lose weight, gain a more positive attitude. Change me from the dowdy, depressed woman to the woman I used to be before I found the love of my life. In the end I found the new me and my new normal. Which brings me to the now-- going into the forth year.
I rarely come to this group now. Whereas I used to spend hours here, now I check in every now and then. Sometimes days or weeks go by. I'm feeling stronger, like I can go forward into what life has for me. I still miss my husband, but I no longer think about him every second. Now, it may come at the end of a day. I'm getting out, meeting new people. No dating. I'm far to choosy for that. I'm dressing better. Figure that I may not be looking, but I don't want to scare them off either.
All in all, life is good. It's not the life I'd choose, but it's life and I'm enjoying it.
I posted this for the new people in this group. I know how it feels in the early days when it hurts to breath and you'll do anything to have your old life back. But, this year I've come to accept that my old life is just that. It's my old life. Now when I look back it's with the distance of knowing that something wonderful happened to me and i can look back without tears. Without sorrow. It took a while for me to get here, but it feels good..
In the first year there were those who told me that it would get better. That time heals all wounds. Did it get better? No. It got more acceptable, more normal, more I can do this. In other words, I got used to it.
Were my wounds healed? In a way, but just like a wound patched up by a surgeon, you still know its there and it may even hurt a bit, but you're not as focused on it. You've moved on and the pain is not as deep.
Anyhow, I wanted to post this to let new people know that this is indeed a journey and that at some point the pain becomes less intense and you will again find joy in living.
The second year was the hardest. Everything real now. Couldn't lie to myself. The car coming up the road belonged to another house. Another life. Hard looking at older couples sometimes. No growing old together. We grew middle-aged together. I felt hollow. Scared. No protector. Nothing to look forward to. Deep pain and sorrow that awoke me in the night.
The third year I started living--joined a health club. Got a few new friends. Old friends gone as they were our friends and I was a reminder of what was to come. Anyhow, I started living, but it was forced, like I was making myself laugh. I came to this support group often, with everything from how to go on living to how to fix something in my house. The fear I felt at this stage was profound, but there was some joy mixed in. Yet the pain persisted: my husband was gone and I was still here.
The third year was the year I decided to grow younger--meaning lose weight, gain a more positive attitude. Change me from the dowdy, depressed woman to the woman I used to be before I found the love of my life. In the end I found the new me and my new normal. Which brings me to the now-- going into the forth year.
I rarely come to this group now. Whereas I used to spend hours here, now I check in every now and then. Sometimes days or weeks go by. I'm feeling stronger, like I can go forward into what life has for me. I still miss my husband, but I no longer think about him every second. Now, it may come at the end of a day. I'm getting out, meeting new people. No dating. I'm far to choosy for that. I'm dressing better. Figure that I may not be looking, but I don't want to scare them off either.
All in all, life is good. It's not the life I'd choose, but it's life and I'm enjoying it.
I posted this for the new people in this group. I know how it feels in the early days when it hurts to breath and you'll do anything to have your old life back. But, this year I've come to accept that my old life is just that. It's my old life. Now when I look back it's with the distance of knowing that something wonderful happened to me and i can look back without tears. Without sorrow. It took a while for me to get here, but it feels good..
In the first year there were those who told me that it would get better. That time heals all wounds. Did it get better? No. It got more acceptable, more normal, more I can do this. In other words, I got used to it.
Were my wounds healed? In a way, but just like a wound patched up by a surgeon, you still know its there and it may even hurt a bit, but you're not as focused on it. You've moved on and the pain is not as deep.
Anyhow, I wanted to post this to let new people know that this is indeed a journey and that at some point the pain becomes less intense and you will again find joy in living.
-
I find myself going places in the car and not wanting to get out of the car. I come back home and I don't want to get out of the car. I think it's the only time I spend reflecting. Chronic tiredness from Long Covid plus the immunosupressing meds for my Crohn's is slowing me down but everything just seems a massive effort. I am dealing with the paperwork following my father's death but it's not...
-
Wow, it's the middle of the week already!Today is our 11 year anniversary, so we're going out to a nice dinner. I'm losing a lot of sleep these days, hence a wonky schedule and uncomfortable feelings. But I know it will pass, eventually.I hope all of you have a peaceful day, and may good things come your way!
SO moral of story is I enjoyed and so relate to your words...so very true....
When I first started I was on here all the time. Working as a teacher there were many sites we were blocked from but not this one, surprisingly. In between classes, etc. I'd read posts and somehow felt better. The first year I think I cried every day driving to work. I lost lots of friends and my family (children) didn't seem in such great shape either.
I now feel smarter than other people who have not experienced this. I feel like I understand life better - maybe not - but I think that way. I'm not as stressed as I was before - even when my husband was alive. After my husband died I used to dread the future but now I look forward to new things.
Now, like you, I am at 3 1/2 years. I have better friends now. I have lots of single friends too. I used to miss not having someone to talk about the little insignificant things - but I do now. I have found other people in similar situations.
I have no desire to ever date - just not interested. But I'm looking forward to taking trips in the future with friends and doing things (kayaking maybe) that I haven't done before. Things have come a long way.
Like you, I do not come to DS very often, anymore. Thank goodness, I don't need it as I did at one time. Still, though, like to check in sometimes and see what's going on here.
I could have written much of what you have said about how we go from absolute 'raw' pain, etc. The pain really does, gradually, become less and less, as do the tears. I will say that there will sometimes be something that is said, or a certain song, or an anniversary/ birthday, that can still bring a tear, or a few tears, but, not often anymore. That is definitely something for which to be thankful!
It has been 5 yrs. and 7 months since this version of my life began, not something I wanted nor chose. As time has moved on, acceptance of widowhood has happened, even though, inside ~~ I fought it. I mean, who wants to be a widow/widower? No one that I know! As we know, it happens and we hate it, but, gradually, realize that life is what it is. I am content with what I have now.
The memories are now more precious. I can remember the happier times and even smile at those memories, and am so glad that I had the 40+ yrs with Joe. (2 yrs of dating, and 38+ yrs. of marriage).
Our 2 daughters and son, plus our grandchildren have been such a blessing to me! With a new grandbaby by our youngest daughter~~ I feel so blessed. There is a sadness that Joe isn't here to love this baby, but, she is ADORABLE and I love it when I get to spend time with her. (not enough! LOL! ) They live about 60 miles from me.
Life does go on and there are joys to find as we travel down life's road.
Great post, Truhal, good to hear from you.
Hugs, Joely
I know without a shadow of doubt that what really got me through it all was the Lord and for that I am so thankful. I have made some very sweet fiends on DS and for that I am also thankful. :)
Hopefully I keep learning to accept these changes that we are stuck with.
Kate
I have a great life again! I thank God and all of my guiding stars here on DS who were constantly pointing the light on the next steps of the journey that I was facing.
When I heard of others moving forward and starting to feel like they were actually living again, it gave me hope....but still in the back of my mind there was that question...sure they did this....but what about me? Now I have my answers. Our lives become what we make them....even after having lost our compass...
love and hugs to everyone on this journey that none of us asked for.
(((((hugs)))))
-Diana
Like you I'm not here as much either, at 38 months I've learned to live without bigbear, learned not to expect him to come walking through the door, all the other things that sooner or later we have to learn and get on with living or else sit and stew in my turmoil.....lifting a glass of wine to you, celebrating the fact that we have made it through this as well as we have....hugs, Sandi
Just this week I joined a hospital close by to volunteer and I feel good about it. I think it will be good to help someone else for awhile instead of dwelling on my own life all the time. I have accepted that what's left of my life has to be directed by me and no one else.
I need to make some new friends because the "old" ones don't seem to be there anymore. I've learned a lot too on how to treat others who are going through this new life. I hope I will be a lot more attentive and there for new widows/widowers.