Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
The first year was hard. Just raw pain. Didn't know what to do. Kept feeling like it was him coming home every time I heard a car coming up the street. Didn't feel real.
The second year was the hardest. Everything real now. Couldn't lie to myself. The car coming up the road belonged to another house. Another life. Hard looking at older couples sometimes. No growing old together. We grew middle-aged together. I felt hollow. Scared. No protector. Nothing to look forward to. Deep pain and sorrow that awoke me in the night.
The third year I started living--joined a health club. Got a few new friends. Old friends gone as they were our friends and I was a reminder of what was to come. Anyhow, I started living, but it was forced, like I was making myself laugh. I came to this support group often, with everything from how to go on living to how to fix something in my house. The fear I felt at this stage was profound, but there was some joy mixed in. Yet the pain persisted: my husband was gone and I was still here.
The third year was the year I decided to grow younger--meaning lose weight, gain a more positive attitude. Change me from the dowdy, depressed woman to the woman I used to be before I found the love of my life. In the end I found the new me and my new normal. Which brings me to the now-- going into the forth year.
I rarely come to this group now. Whereas I used to spend hours here, now I check in every now and then. Sometimes days or weeks go by. I'm feeling stronger, like I can go forward into what life has for me. I still miss my husband, but I no longer think about him every second. Now, it may come at the end of a day. I'm getting out, meeting new people. No dating. I'm far to choosy for that. I'm dressing better. Figure that I may not be looking, but I don't want to scare them off either.
All in all, life is good. It's not the life I'd choose, but it's life and I'm enjoying it.
I posted this for the new people in this group. I know how it feels in the early days when it hurts to breath and you'll do anything to have your old life back. But, this year I've come to accept that my old life is just that. It's my old life. Now when I look back it's with the distance of knowing that something wonderful happened to me and i can look back without tears. Without sorrow. It took a while for me to get here, but it feels good..
In the first year there were those who told me that it would get better. That time heals all wounds. Did it get better? No. It got more acceptable, more normal, more I can do this. In other words, I got used to it.
Were my wounds healed? In a way, but just like a wound patched up by a surgeon, you still know its there and it may even hurt a bit, but you're not as focused on it. You've moved on and the pain is not as deep.
Anyhow, I wanted to post this to let new people know that this is indeed a journey and that at some point the pain becomes less intense and you will again find joy in living.
The second year was the hardest. Everything real now. Couldn't lie to myself. The car coming up the road belonged to another house. Another life. Hard looking at older couples sometimes. No growing old together. We grew middle-aged together. I felt hollow. Scared. No protector. Nothing to look forward to. Deep pain and sorrow that awoke me in the night.
The third year I started living--joined a health club. Got a few new friends. Old friends gone as they were our friends and I was a reminder of what was to come. Anyhow, I started living, but it was forced, like I was making myself laugh. I came to this support group often, with everything from how to go on living to how to fix something in my house. The fear I felt at this stage was profound, but there was some joy mixed in. Yet the pain persisted: my husband was gone and I was still here.
The third year was the year I decided to grow younger--meaning lose weight, gain a more positive attitude. Change me from the dowdy, depressed woman to the woman I used to be before I found the love of my life. In the end I found the new me and my new normal. Which brings me to the now-- going into the forth year.
I rarely come to this group now. Whereas I used to spend hours here, now I check in every now and then. Sometimes days or weeks go by. I'm feeling stronger, like I can go forward into what life has for me. I still miss my husband, but I no longer think about him every second. Now, it may come at the end of a day. I'm getting out, meeting new people. No dating. I'm far to choosy for that. I'm dressing better. Figure that I may not be looking, but I don't want to scare them off either.
All in all, life is good. It's not the life I'd choose, but it's life and I'm enjoying it.
I posted this for the new people in this group. I know how it feels in the early days when it hurts to breath and you'll do anything to have your old life back. But, this year I've come to accept that my old life is just that. It's my old life. Now when I look back it's with the distance of knowing that something wonderful happened to me and i can look back without tears. Without sorrow. It took a while for me to get here, but it feels good..
In the first year there were those who told me that it would get better. That time heals all wounds. Did it get better? No. It got more acceptable, more normal, more I can do this. In other words, I got used to it.
Were my wounds healed? In a way, but just like a wound patched up by a surgeon, you still know its there and it may even hurt a bit, but you're not as focused on it. You've moved on and the pain is not as deep.
Anyhow, I wanted to post this to let new people know that this is indeed a journey and that at some point the pain becomes less intense and you will again find joy in living.
I hope someday I can get to the point where you are, and able to help others, which you have done for me. Again, Thank you . Sandee
Diane
I still visit frequently, because DS is like a family. I am grateful for all the help I have gotten here at the beginning , and now i am returning the favor to others who are just at the beginning of their journey.
Without a doubt, it also helps me to have a better look at the transition of my life though four years, and gain a new appreciation for my resilience, strength, and drive for life.
Yes, there is a light at the end of this tunnel, as long as one is seeking the light.
God bless each and everyone of you as you go through the hardest part of your loss.
Hug
So I have chosen to make the effort to live and have a good life. To go on for Don's sake and memory. He fought hard to live. I want to honor him and live as he would have wanted me too. He will live in my heart until we meet again.
Your post is profound with so much wisdom gleaned from the deep sorrow of loss and recovery.
Thank you for sharing your journey. It was a blessing to read as I, too, remember those early days of posting and the struggle to muddle through each and every life change as it surfaced.
It is hard to believe the truth in the statement that time heals; however, it does happen no matter how trite we felt when that condolence was offered to our grieving hearts. In spite of our sorrow, we began to fashion a new future. As you mentioned, not the future we planned but a new normal that eventually feels comfortable. Blessings to you. TJ