Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I've often heard that grief takes as long as it takes, and I find that true. For me it comes in waves. For others, it's a tsunami. Either way, grief can't be rushed. We can't help how we feel.
So, saying that, I've thought of my so-called friends, the ones who desert you when you're down. I'm sure all of us have them in our lives. Some of these friends are fair-weather friends, there only for the good times. But what of the others. The ones who thought and considered themselves true friends? The ones who walked away because being around us brought them down?
I'm thinking of them now because a friend of a widow posted here and offended some people. They were right to be offended. What she said was hard to read. They tore into me. Was I reading the words of those who'd deserted me? Is this how they feel?
So I thought about it before answering her post. I'd been so concerned about my grief, not thinking of those around me. I was single minded. But what about this posters feelings. She obviously wanted to help her friend or she would not have come here. And these were her feelings. She'd put them to words, asking for help, perhaps doing the best she was capable of doing. And she'd made me see grief through someone else's eyes.
I'd never thought of what it was like for the people who know me--the friends, family, aquantances who'd rather walk away then admit their own weaknesses. But this woman hadn't. She'd come here and revealed her own despair, her own weaknesses and she had to know the flames that would be coming her way.
So what of these friends. Do walk away, saving themselves from revealing their own inadequacies? Do they avoid this by forcing us to move past our grief, thereby giving them us, their old familiar friend back? Either way they lose, I think. We see them differntly after a tragedy. We judge them by the way they behave. I know I do. And if they tell us how they feel--if they put it into words, and the words hurt--how do we feel seeing it spelled out to us:
So, I think it comes down to this. Our friends leave us because they can't bear our tears. They're weak. They're human. And they're petrified that we'll find out.
So the question again: How long does it take to get through this pain? It takes as long as it takes because we cannot change how we feel.
I think the same can be said of our friends.
So, saying that, I've thought of my so-called friends, the ones who desert you when you're down. I'm sure all of us have them in our lives. Some of these friends are fair-weather friends, there only for the good times. But what of the others. The ones who thought and considered themselves true friends? The ones who walked away because being around us brought them down?
I'm thinking of them now because a friend of a widow posted here and offended some people. They were right to be offended. What she said was hard to read. They tore into me. Was I reading the words of those who'd deserted me? Is this how they feel?
So I thought about it before answering her post. I'd been so concerned about my grief, not thinking of those around me. I was single minded. But what about this posters feelings. She obviously wanted to help her friend or she would not have come here. And these were her feelings. She'd put them to words, asking for help, perhaps doing the best she was capable of doing. And she'd made me see grief through someone else's eyes.
I'd never thought of what it was like for the people who know me--the friends, family, aquantances who'd rather walk away then admit their own weaknesses. But this woman hadn't. She'd come here and revealed her own despair, her own weaknesses and she had to know the flames that would be coming her way.
So what of these friends. Do walk away, saving themselves from revealing their own inadequacies? Do they avoid this by forcing us to move past our grief, thereby giving them us, their old familiar friend back? Either way they lose, I think. We see them differntly after a tragedy. We judge them by the way they behave. I know I do. And if they tell us how they feel--if they put it into words, and the words hurt--how do we feel seeing it spelled out to us:
So, I think it comes down to this. Our friends leave us because they can't bear our tears. They're weak. They're human. And they're petrified that we'll find out.
So the question again: How long does it take to get through this pain? It takes as long as it takes because we cannot change how we feel.
I think the same can be said of our friends.
To say she doesn't understand? Of course she doesn't - but unlike most people she is trying to understand and trying to be helpful to a friend. She is sticking by her friend when all the others have left her. She could leave also - then where would her friend be - without anyone.
My friends didn't leave me because of my tears - I didn't cry at the service and most of them have not made any effort to see me or even send an email - and it has been a year. At the service I made tentative arrangements with about 5 different people to meet for lunch at xmas - and told all of them to call me - not one called. It makes their life easier to just keep me out of it - it is really that simple. One good friend who did stick by me several months later sent me an email saying they only reason I had problems was because I hadn't make "good" decisions in my life and everything was my fault - she is no longer in my life.
These "friends" didn't even give me a chance. I know of no one else my age who has lost a husband - I am basically the first in the neighborhood/school district - but I do know that I would not have treated my friends this way if the situation was reversed.
When my son was in ICU for 1 1/2 weeks many years ago - NO ONE called to ask how he was. He received not one get well card. Even his best friend didn't call or visit. There was no crying or grieving going on - but people didn't want to hear that something "bad" happened - I guess - I don't know. His only friend who did visit had a mother who was a nurse and a father who was a minister.
Times have changed. When my next door neighbor was divorced when I was growing up my father was helping the family all the time with home repairs, etc. and I remember him saying "that's what neighbors do for each other". My husband used to help older neighbors and single neighbors when we were first married and lived in a townhouse. I thought about that today when I was out shoveling my driveway with a shovel. All my neighbors have snow blowers yet not one has ever asked if I wanted to borrow it or could come over to help with anything - in fact except for my friend across the street none of them have even said "hi" in the last year. Times have changed. I don't believe people care for or watch out for each other like they used to.
Grateful, Dar
Hugs,
Holly
I live in a two-story home and take care of everything myself.. I've not had one neighbor offer to help me with anything - I painted, mowed & trimmed, shoveled snow all winter, gardened, etc. I'm grateful that I can still do all these things; but it would be so nice to have a guy offer to do some of those little repairs..
These people really piss me off -- and, no, they don't owe me anything. I'm a midwestern, Iowa person who was raised to care for and help my neighbor. That is ingrained in me - thank you!!
It does get very, very lonely.........Nancee
The thing that floored me
The coffee buddies that Roger regularly had coffee with, one his best buddy a strong church leader and pillar of church community here highly looked up to is the one who snubs me the most, has not even called, when I have called to ask questions or for help I get shut down. It hurt and shocked me but again I remember religion vs christianity there ya go.
I just have figured out in less than 5 months its up to me period.
At age 60 there are just some things physically you can not do sigh
L