Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Truhal 04/25/2010

I've always believed that life is short so we should cherish our loved ones no matter what. The no matter what is my father. We've never had a good relationship, but over the years, with my refusing to give up on him, we've established a relationship that is closer to what I want. My father is argumentative, so much so that most people find it impossible to have anything to do with him. That being said, I'm in a horrible situation--husband gone and father is 82.

He's independent, works full time, a picture of health, but lately he's been having memory gaps and sleeping behind the wheel of the car. He's refused to retire until now: Because I'm moving back in with him.

Tonight we've had a horrible argument. I've lived with him a few years back as he was recovering from surgery and was living alone. It was during the time my husband and I had remarried. My husband agree to live in the house and it became a nightmare four years later. It ended up with my father telling us to get out. Now, he's all set for me to move back in. I don't need to do it for financial reasons. I prefer to live on my own where I can have some peace and not spend my days arguing. Still, he's a danger on the road and needs to retire.

I don't know what to do.

Tonight the argument stemed from a simple question: are you sure you want me to live there. He started screaming at me, telling me that I was being disrespectful. Telling me how hard he's worked and the sacrifises he's made, etc. It ended up with me screaming back(something I don't normally do). Now, my voice is hoarse and the last thing I want to do is move back in with my father.

I would just give him money to retire, but I don't have that sort of money to maintain two living quarters. God help me this nightmare just keeps getting worse. You'd think with all I've been through since my husband passed(not even a month ago) he'd have the sense not to lay into me like that. But then, that's how he's always been. I can't expect him to change and I don't want to move back and he needs to retire. What a mess. I need lots of prayer.

deleted_user 04/26/2010

OMG, you have my prayers. Is there any possibility that your Dad could go into income based housing. I am assuming he is of social security age. They would just consider that income and take whatever the percentage of it would be they require. Just a thought but I don't like the idea of you sacrificing yourself for an argumentative man, even your Dad. You need to take care of yourself too. I would look into whatever alternatives are available. Whatever you decide, I pray for you. Hug, Donna

Truhal 04/26/2010

He's as independent as I am. He has the house which he wants to leave for me. I've told him I don't really want it. He insists that I should have it because I rent. The darn thing isn't even paid off. I could buy a nice condo for that price. He won't move out of the house because he can well afford it since he works full-time. He's not your typical 82 year old. He looks and acts like a fifty year old, but then there's the memory slips and sleeping while driving. His age is catching up with him but he'd never admit it. He won't retire as long as he's wanting to leave me that house. I'm in a horrible mess. A nightmare. Right now, if God could just come and get me I'd be most grateful. Anything then to have to go through this.

Mgould 04/26/2010

Just a question - what did he respond when you said "are you sure you want me to live there?" (I assume you mean with him.) Does he want you to move in with him?

Truhal 04/26/2010

He wants me to move in with him. He's lonely since my mom died. He became very upset when I asked, saying I didn't appreciate him. It was horrible.

tessandbarney 04/26/2010

You certainly have my prayers. What a horrible situation for you to be in and when you are at your most vulnerable to and needing as much support as you can get. Everything you read about grief and losing your husband advises not making drastic decisions for a year because of the state of mind you are in but I can see you are faced with a real problem. I know that I was at your stage when I managed to nearly wreck my relationship with my daughter, the person closest to me and lives next door with my 3 grandchildren, a constant comfort. I was so out of my mind with grief that I was totally unreasonable about everything and everyone and so sensitive to what was said to me that I would lose it for the slightest thing. I am, at 3 1/2 months more stable now and better able to see things as they are. Is there anyone who could step in to help with your father for a while to give you a bit more time to focus on yourself while your loss is still so new and raw. Perhaps with some help you could spend a few months just visiting daily or frequently to keep a close eye on him without losing the space of your own which we all need at this stage. Is there someone, perhaps your doctor or a social worker who you could talk to about the problem. Hopefully a professional would understand that you are not at this stage fit to make a rational long term decision that will so affect your life. I know you are probably plagued with guilt about your father needing you and feel you have to be there for him, and he is obviously playing to that, but I strongly believe that so early in your loss you should not try to be strong for anyone other than yourself. Every part of you, physically, emotionally, psychologically, has taken the hardest battering it is possible for a human being to take. You need this time for yourself to help you heal and move forward. My thoughts are with you and I am praying for you to find a way forward that works for you. Love and hugs,

laurabp 04/26/2010

I agree with everyone so far who has said DO NOT MAKE AN IRREVERSABlE DECISION AT THIS TIME! Moving in with your father does not sound like a good choice for you right now. Are there siblilngs, or are you the only child? He clearly needs some kind of testing and/or treatment for the memory gaps, and falling asleep at the wheel is unacceptable. Is there someone you can talk to like his doctor or his employer, some kind of agency for the aging, and get some sense of what needs to be done? I would certainly recommend getting more information about what options are open to him before making any final decisons. laurabp

deleted_user 04/26/2010

Please listen to the advice you have found here. I lost my wife almost six months ago and still question my rationality. As others have said this is not a time to make life changing decisions. Give the situation some time. Convince your Dad some way that moving in may be an option but it is not something you can decide while you are suffering. Sounds like you and your Dad are a lot alike. Sometimes the people we love are the ones we have the most problems communicating with.

deleted_user 04/26/2010

Hugs to you.

deleted_user 04/26/2010

My prayers are with you also. You are in a bad situation for sure. With your husband not even been gone a month you have to take some time for yourself. When my wife died my doctor told me not to make any important decisions for at least a year and it was the best advice I received. Maybe talk to your dads doctor.

deleted_user 04/26/2010

I have to add to all of the above advice and you received some really good advice. I had my son move in with me. He, his girlfriend and her daughter moved in with me about 2 months after my husband died. There is a very good reason that we are advised not to make any major changes for a year. We are not in any way able to make these decision rationally. We are so overcome with the grief that it's impossible to see past how we feel at the moment. Once you give up your place, it will be very hard to move out again. THINK - what will you do if this doesn't work out?

I'm sorry for your dad, but you are just as important as he is. You are dealing with problems already and you are not living with him everyday. You need to take care of you. I don't think he is going to work with you to compromise at all. Do not let him bully you.

I found the lack of my own space to do my grieving to be very difficult. I wanted to cry out my agony and had to find places to do this outside of my home. You have lost so much, are you sure you want to lose anymore?

No one told me quite blank - DO NOT do this. I wish someone would have. Saying a prayer for you,
Hugs, Kathy

Parmela 04/26/2010

OMG, I'm getting the same kind of pressure from my mother!

Only three DAYS after I had buried my husband she showed up at me door with a friend of hers and dropped the news that her heart was out of rhythm and she was going to have to have it shocked back into place in two days. She then announced that the first thing she was going to do was make a living will and make me the person who would decide if she lived or died. This less than a week after I had to make the hardest decision of my life.... to take Stephen off life support. To fully appreciate how inappropriate this was, she didn't say any of this, her girl friend did.... and the "speech" had obviously been rehearshed. My mother sat in a chair with this little grin on her face.

The message "You're alone now so YOU can take care of me" came through loud and clear. Unfortunately for her, my brother was with me and stepped in to protect my best interests. I was so distraught that I didn't even know it, but apparently he followed her out to the car and read the riot act to her for about 10 minutes.

Enough about me, however. Let's talk about YOUR situation. From your message, you have had a less than perfect relationship with your Dad in the past. Living with him would be a terrible mistake. I think you would end up resenting him and he you.....and your relationship would be destroyed anyway.

As a child of toxic parents, I can tell you that you will NEVER change them or your relationship with them no matter what you do. Love him the best you can, but protect yourself...... you owe your parents your love, you don't owe them your life.

I

pathoflife 04/26/2010

You can still love and respect your father without making such a drastic move at this time. Your loss is so new, and you need time to heal without the interference of chaos. He may be upset and angry if you change your mind; however, it sounds like you have a lot of history with him and his tantrums to draw upon. This is a time where you need to take care of yourself. Doing that will put you in a much better position to be a loving daughter and assist him in the future. Assisting him, though, doesn't mean that moving in with him is your only option. I hope you will be able to make the best decision for you both without being "guilted" into it. Blessings to you as you face this trial. TJ

Truhal 04/26/2010

Thanks everyone. I advice and prayer has helped me to see clearly. What I've decided to do is to move in, but I'll move in under my terms. I'll set some money to the side and make sure I can move out quickly to my own place. It'll work because I'm just renting now. If I do move out, I'll move someplace close by and monitor him from there. By then he would have retired, meaning his driving won't be a consideration as they will not take him back.

I don't know why I didn't see the solution from the start. Guess you're all right: don't make decisions in the first year. The original plan was for me to move in and become part owner of the house. Since papers would have been drawn-up regarding the ownership, I would have been stuck. Now, thanks to your advice, I'll have a whole year before that decision is made if ever.

Thanks again.

deleted_user 04/26/2010

That's good, cause you need a way out if necessary. You're not living with him now and problems will get worse, much worse once you do. That's just the way it is. I know in the early days, I would not have been able to handle the extra stress. I hope you have other siblings to help. I'm an only child and took care of both of my ill parents in different cities at the same time while working. I was not a widow then and it was still very difficult. I had to retire early to handle it. Most early widows need their privacy to some extent to stay sane. If necessary, you can help take care of your Dad without living with him; i.e. assisted living, home health aids, etc. Take care of you. Good luck.

deleted_user 04/27/2010

There are times in one's life that we have to be selfish to protect our sanity. Moving in under any conditions would be toxic for the both of you. Neither one needs this, your father because of his physical and you due to your emotional health.

You say, you're only renting right now. Couldn't you move somewhere near his home, rent a room for example, where you can escape if things get toxic. I'm afraid that if you move into his house it'll be difficult to escape when you need time alone. Please take your time to think your decision further. Your deserve it. My prayers are with you

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