Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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10 Months

andrableier
andrableier

I haven't been on here in a couple months.


It has been 10 months since Derrick passed away in a motorcycle accident.  In those 10 months, I have celebrated turning 23 (which kind of sucked, as he passed away two days after his 23rd birthday, so now I'm older and have gotten to live longer), his sister has had her big 21st birthday without him to celebrate with her, New Years has passed, Christmas has passed. I can hardly believe it has been 10 months.  I would say the past two months or so, i have been handling his death pretty decently. He is still on my mind constantly, but i am able to go a week or two without crying.  But now it's starting to become difficult again, and I think that is because it is coming up on the one year mark.  March 1 is his birthday. So this March 1, 2019 will be his first birthday in Heaven.  On that day, a friend and I are going to a concert. Now this is a band who wrote a song that, after the accident, i listened to almost on repeat because the song helped me so much. They do not come around very often, so of course I jumped on the chance to see them - it's better than sitting at home and crying.  This led one of my friends to judge me and make me feel like a POS because i am going to a concert on his first birthday not on earth.  I can't help but think, if a 'friend' is judging me just for doing this, what else is everyone going to judge me on going forward in life...?

Msbklyn
Msbklyn
I think we all need to feel free to grieve in the way that is best for us. I certainly would not judge someone if they chose to honor a loved one’s passing in a particular way. Perhaps you can ask your friend to help you honor him with you in another moment. It’s difficult sometimes for me to open up with even close friends and family about those days on which
I feel my husband’s loss more than ever. Sometimes it helps if we open up a little and let them know how we feel or why we choose to do things a certain way. Maybe then they are able to support us in a way they wouldn’t otherwise be able to. I’m sure the day won’t be easy but you need to do what you, and only you feel is right.
DJC
DJC
I agree we need to grieve how we feel is right. I even agree to open up. But know folks will all have an opinion. So decide now you don’t care to change your life based on what people think. Life will become less stressful. I am an introvert. To others I may come off cold and aloof. My husband knew I was neither. He knew I had a big heart and loved hard. When he died I was dubbed anti social. What I was ;a grieving widow. I had three kids to be strong for. But man behind closed doors my heart physically hurts. Any thing you want to do to relieve that hurt I suspect you still feel please do it. Do it conscience clear and celebration filled. Friends and family can not understand. Nor do we ever want them to be in a position to understand. Nor should you feel the need to explain. Now if you want to explain and then keep it moving please do. But you need to do what keeps you sane. A concert sounds wonderfully harmless.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
They won't understand why you need to do the things you do. They can't because they haven't been in your shoes, especially as you are so young. I will tell you one thing: the saying is that 'grief rewrites your address book' and it definitely rewrote mine. Some people got dropped from my life, just as some people dropped me because they either didn't understand what I was going through or didn't really care to help. As painful as that can be, it freed up the emotional space and time for true friends and unexpected heroes to step up and become a part or bigger part of my life.

You do what you need to do - they don't have the right to judge.

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha