Laura - I worked that day (July 1). But after I baked and my employees came in, I took some of Joe's ashes down to the beach (500' away), and spread them in the ocean as the sun rose. And I prayed, and cried - my stepkids did the same with the ashes they had, in CA. You know, Laura, marking the one year is a day on the calendar; it's what's in our hearts and what we feel that counts. Whatever you choose to do, and yes, even shopping, doesn't dishonor your DH. I know how difficult it is - but we'll be here for you. Hugs, Marsha

My one year is also coming up in Dec. I am already thinking on what to do. I still have the ashes and if I can find someone with a boat I may go spread them like Marsha did. I will for sure remember our last day together. It was a great day until 9 pm came. We played with our son and his new WII (video game) even when my son went outside to play, my husband showed me how to play gold. I remember my son coming to get the controller for the game to take to his friends house, but my husband said "can't you see that your mother and I are playing", what a fun day. Let us know what you end up doing.
xo Sabine

My kids keep planning stuff for me for every holiday, his birthday etc in hopes I won't be sad. I don't remember what they had me doing that day but they took me out and I just wanted to curl up at home and sleep the day away, this March will be my 3rd year and I plan to do what I want. I love that they love me but I need to deal with it. The time has dulled the pain but the longing and loneliness remains! I think dreading the day is actually worse than the day itself. I hope it isn't to hard for you!

My neighbor bought several helium balloons in her favorite color and put a small note in each one that said "I love you" and set them free.

Laura, I have just done a sixth month anniversary and bought some flowers, wrote a letter and went to the bay (where DW used to go to rememeber her mother) and had a littel casting ceremony. You can read it in my latest journal - i found it really helped me get through it and recover some more. John

I could not see myself being alone. I hosted a dinner for my sisters and mom. I did all the cooking so I was hella busy. Then at night after dinner we watched a movie and that was that. It worked.
I did not want to spend this day remembering the sad fact that I lost him and what a horrible day in my life that was. I did remember him of course, but was to busy to sulk.
Stay as busy as you can. Have family or friends over or go do something. If you are the type that finds therapy or healing in pausing and reflecting on this day then do so. everyone is different and mourns in different ways. I just wanted to give you my lo-down. Take care : ).

Hi Laura - My kids and I went down to the beach and stayed in a hotel for a couple days over the one-year anniversary date. I asked my kids to share memories of their Dad and we sat on the beach at sunset. I cried a ton, almost inconsolably at points. For the two-year anniversary this past September my three kids (two of them teenagers, one an adult) informed me they wanted to go to the beach again, but they did not want a repeat of the prior year. They told me they wanted to build new memories and have a fun day, not cry and carry on all day about their Dad. So that's what we did. The grief journey is like everything else in life. Nothing is set in stone -- it's an ebb and flow like the ocean tides. So "go with the flow." Plan something and do it if you feel like it that day. If you don't feel like it, or a better distraction comes along, then go with that. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. Tami

If I remember right the first year I had dinner at my daughters and she also invited our best friends. She probably had me last year too. This year I know she had us. So I guess she's been taking care of keeping me busy. As the years go bye you will start building new memories like Tami said. Each year it gets easier but for the first year you really have it hard. If you had someone to do something with it may help but we are all so different it's hard to say what will help. You'll be in my prayers. Sharon

Laura,

My day (July 9, 2005) might sound a little unusual to you, but it was my ideal solution to ward off extreme sadness.

Here goes: I got up early in the morning and went on a road trip to an historical site in a nearby state (about a four-hour drive one way). I didn't particularly want the company of anyone, but I didn't spend the day sad or crying. It was an enjoyable day just relaxing, remembering, and doing what we both always loved to do. I planned the day for me, doing what I wanted, not worrying about plans for anyone else, not trying to keep conversation up with a smile on my face. I drove, sang, prayed, and enjoyed dinner out. Got home around midnight and fell into bed, tired but at peace. Maybe not for everyone, but it was the perfect way to help me get through that one-year mark. I hope you find what suits you best and brings you joy and peace. TJ

I spent Dewey and My one year anniversary with a couple friends, going to a casino in Vinton, LA. One friend (male) was moving back to Michigan, due to health reason, so he could be closer to his family. Dewey and I always called him one of our stepchildren....(we had two). He worked with Dewey for years and when he and his wife divorced, we kinda took him under our wing, along with the 2nd stepchild (he also worked with Dewey). We seemed to be caregivers for the lonely.

Anyway, a lady friend of mine came with us, at Mike's suggestion. Well I knew how funny she was already and wasn't sure how this would turn out. It didn't take long to find out. We were all seperated in the casino, each doing our own thing, when Mike found me and said he needed to eat, being diabetic, he was getting the shakes. I tried calling my friend, but my cell phone was dead, so I used Mike's . Told her we were in the buffet to come meet us. We waited and waited until Mike said he couldn't wait any longer.....I told him to go ahead and eat. I waited more then finally I went to eat. Well, my friend came a long while later, said he went into a bonus game and got into another bonus game which took some time.... anyway when she saw we were eating.....she got so upset, she went downstairs to the diner to get a hamburger. I told her my phone was dead, I had to use Mike's cell phone to call her and why didn't she call me @ that number. Anyway you could see smoke coming out of her ears, so to speak. I told her to go eat at the buffet and we would wait or her and she wouldn't hear of it. On the way back home, she looked out the passanger window and tapped her leg with her hand.....she was furioius!!! MY1 year Anniversary was very UPSETTING. I talked to her the next day and told her she ruined my day. She said her day was ruined too.......I told her it WASN'T about her or me. It was Mike who had to have 4 toes amputated due to his diabetes and he needed to eat right away.
Well we haven't spoken since........friends like that .....I don't need enemies!!!!
And to boot.......Our 2nd anniversary this past May .........well I had a 1st cousins Supper planned and no one showed up except 1 cousin. Bobby was doing something with his wife's family in another town......and Heaven Help Me!!!........I FORGOT IT WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY.........I felt so bad I had to go to the cemetery to appoligize to Dewey.......I cried!!! I felt so terrible. How could I do that........Hopefully it will get better for my 3rd in 2010. Wish me Luck!!!

Laura,

Sorry, I need to correct something I said in my reply. The date of my 1-year anniversary was July 9, 2006 instead of 2005. Even after over four years, I still try and do something just for me on that day. That may sound a little selfish, but it is part of how I continue to heal. Let us know what you decide to do. There is no right or wrong answer here. Whatever is in your heart to help you move forward. TJ

My 1 year anniversary was a week ago. I'd been dreading it for a long time, not sure of what it would be best for us to do. In the end I was alone. My kids had a school weekend camping trip and they really wanted to go, so I decided it would be best for them to go off and enjoy themselves after this hard year we've been through ; and therefore I didn't even remind them of what day it would be. Besides they miss him every day.
Several friends and my sister asked me what I'd planned to do but honestly, I couldn't make up my mind. I was touched by how many people remembered, but I mostly wanted to be alone, I guess. I'd thought of going to the cementery and even bought my husband's favourite flowers the evening before. But it rained cats and dogs, and I decided not to go because it would make it even more difficult for me to recover later.
So I mostly stayed at home by myself. I cried a lot, looked at photographs of us, and missed him dearly, but I did not feel too bad the following day.

Thank you all who replied to this discussion. Well I found that I actually grieved harder on the day BEFORE the anniversary of Stan's death. I woke up at 4:30 that morning and re-lived the day a year ago in my mind. It was actually tougher than the day he died because it was the day the family and I made the decision to have the doctors take him off the machine and just let him go.....Even though I knew I made the right decision according to what Stan & I had discussed a few years before, it felt horrible for me to be making this God-like decision - let him die!

Anyway, after I was finished crying over the memories, I went out to the store and bought myself a pizza and bouquet of flowers; Stan would understand that perfectly. Then yesterday, on the actual day, I went out shopping with my daughter and while I was waiting for her outside one of the stores intown, I looked at my watch and realized it was the time that Stan had died last year - 12:20 PM. I took a few minutes to stand quietly and remember, tried not to cry in the middle of the street, and then it was over. I had reached the one year mark. I realize I will still feel sad for some time yet, but at least I won't be re-living everthing that happened, and all the "firsts" are over. Thank you all again for being so supportive. laurabp

I just recently lost my wife. she was only 29......im currently 1 month 8 days without her. how does this really work now....i havent really digested this whole thing...i feel numb.