First of all I agree with you completely that we honour their memory everyday. As for the inlaws I would say do what your heart tells you to do. Some people who are family just dont act like family and are actually toxic. When you reach out a hand someone must be prepared to reach out also or its a losing proposition. Are they willing to reach out? My wife before she passed warned me to stay out of the hurricane meaning toxic inlaws. She was trying to protect me. I have relations with those that were also willing to reach out only. The others I wish it was different but I cant make it so. Ultimately your instincts will tell you what to do. Gerald

If your inlaws are potentially hurtful or harmful to you on this very significant date, I would stay away from them. This is going to be a difficult enough day without anyone bringing you down!

My 1 year is on the 19th. My grief therapist suggested I make a plan. So, here is his I M going to spend the day. If anything appeals to you, feel free ro "borrow" ideas. I am going to light our anniversary candle and put it on the"his spot" at the table. I am going to watch the video of his funeral service (some people right it was ghoulish, but I am so glad I have living document of what people said about him. I am goingtoto read again all the memorial cards (because my brain was spending all its energy on the writing Thank You notes, instead of focusing on the love and put support people were trying to offer, I got very lucky and found out there was fofingto be a candlelight service Apr Cn
Huecch

I agree that grief is difficult for anyone losing a loved one and losing a child is unbelievably awful. I am not so sure that you can chalk up being greedy and trying to screw over your lost son's beloved partner to grief, but I think it's an example of your charitable and generous nature to be willing to do so. I think it's in the face of our worst pain that we show our true colours. I hate to think they might make a difficult day even worse for you, but you'll know what to do.
The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Maya Angelou

"His parents were pretty nasty that they couldn't take the house and refused to speak to me since." "But they made it clear that I was not their family ..." I read your post, and re-read it, and that is what leapt out at me. I don't believe that these are the people who will understand a kind gesture like that. If they did not treat you like family in your darkest hour of need, at a time when you should have shared your pain and given each other strength, then I don't think a year will have made that much of a difference in how they will react. My guess, based on what you have related, is that they would see it as an opportunity to try and convince you to give them more, that perhaps you are rethinking things and would give way to them now. That you are vulnerable.

I could be wrong, of course, but I do not believe they will understand or give support, and it will be all one way - yours to them.

If you feel you need to mark the occasion, there are many ways to do that. Some private, some public. A remembrance ad in the paper if you feel the need to acknowledge his family would cover reaching out but keeping them at arm's length, as would a post on your facebook page or something similar.

We spend an awful lot of time and effort trying to make other people comfortable. Sometimes that is a noble and worthy thing to do. Sometimes it is ill-advised to reopen doors better left closed.

I hope that your memories bring you comfort as you cross the one-year milestone, and know that your DS friends will be thinking of you and keeping you in our prayers.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Shadow ( I wish I had thought of a cool Id to use ).

I don't know your husband's ( I don't know how to spell fiance ) parents, but unfortunately I can tell you from experience that it is going to be a horrible, sad day for them.

So, no matter how they might react to your communication ( by voice, or email, or whatever ) there is no doubt that they will be happy that someone else is thinking about their child. I am tearing up thinking about that first anniversary when a couple our daughter's classmates called us to say they missed her.

You really don't have any control over how they will react to your comforting gesture, but you obviously feel it in your heart so I would go with it. If they are nasty, it's on them, not you.

Just go with your heart, it's all you can really trust.

Bob

My husbands parents didn't attend his funeral. he was close to any of his family and none of them came. a lot of them live very far away and didn't even know he passed until later. but his parents went to see his kids from his first wife that were not going to come down for the funeral. I don't like his parents and in 7 years only met them 3x. but sometimes I talk to his mom...its nice to talk to someone else who his missing my husband so much. even though she is awful and I disagree with her choice in not coming to the funeral...I know that in her way she is missing him awful. maybe they are the same. even if yall don't get along maybe it will be nice for each of yall to talk to each other since yall are missing him so much.

During extremely painful times, our hearts are on our sleeves. I lashed out at a couple of relatives quite vehemently during the unbelievable stress of caring for my husband through cancer and his death. I felt guilty about it months down the road and longed for the good relationship we had when my husband was alive. Four years later, after not seeing my brother-in-law since the funeral, I unexpectedly saw him in a restaurant in a nearby town. I was overjoyed and went over to him just to say "hi". He broke into this big smile, jumped out of his chair and hugged me warmly. He immediately started chatting asking how I was, etc. I wouldn't trade that for anything. I thought I had ruined our relationship for good, but it was just the stress of living with cancer that ends in the death of my most precious loved one. Only you can decide whether this is possible. I didn't think it was possible, but it was.

I can only share my own experience on this subject, so here is my take on it. My husband and his sister were estranged for over 20 years when he died. His parents died previously.. His brother's son was having a bridal shower for his fiancee and I was going knowing his sister would be there. I called her to say before meeting you at the shower I would like to close the chapter with her brother and open up to a chapter. She agreed and we sat together at the shower. Sharon

I would like to add....a call to say I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you today. I'm sure you miss him as much as I do. Sharon

I think this day is difficult enough, perhaps writing to them might be easier than listening to hurt people lash out. If time has mellowed their position, they'll contact you. Sounds like you have a loving heart. God bless you. Trici

Thank you all for your advice and sharing your experiences. It really helped.
I decided to spend the day with my own family. And we were having a good day so I decided not to call his parents.
I think i will text his sister today to say Hi. I had a better relationship with her than with his parents and I know she will be kind.
Thank you all again!
Hugs to all of you!

About 21 years ago my sisters daughter died. I was there for her through the ups and downs. About a year after the death. My sister and had a very big disagreement. We had not talked in years. 7 years ago my mother was in the hospital and the family was told that she would die. I wanted to talk to my sister so bad, but I feared that she would not want to talk me. My son called my sister without me knowing and handed me the phone. He told me who it was and she wanted to talk. We started to talk again. When my husband died my biggest support person was and is my sister. We discussed the argument. I agree with some of the othesr here during process of watching someone died or through grieving people say things that they do not necessary mean. I am glad that you are contacting his sister. I will be thinking of you.

My husband and I had grown children from a previous marriage and there was never a relationship in the 36 years we were married. His children rarely came to our house, five times at the most and was always hoping that he would go back to his first wife, their Mother. They would call him on his cell phone so they wouldn't have to talk to me. So there was never a bridge where a relationship could be formed. His funeral was August 5th and that is the last time I saw them or talked to them. They would call asking what I was going do with his car and I told them "It is my car." His ex wife immediately filed for his social security and I am assuming she received it, even though she married twice after him. A very dsyfunctional group of people that I have so much peace not being around, especially since they never regarded me. And, he rarely took me around them when they had events.

My husband stopped talking to his family over 10 years ago. They had some disagreement but then the mom tried to turn it around saying you and your wife must be having trouble because you would never act like this otherwise. We were not having trouble he was just tired of their interfering. She never liked me and always hoped he would go back to his college sweet heart, in spite of 3 children and 24 years of marriage. My husband died very unexpectedly. My oldest son asked what we should about his grandparents. I said I thought they should know because they just lost their son. My son called his grandmother, someone he hadn't heard from in over 10 years, and told her that her son had just passed away. She started screaming in the phone and told my son she couldn't speak to him and for him to call her back later. He said he wouldn't do that, if they wanted to talk to call him. My husband passed 9 weeks ago and none of us have heard from her. Maybe we're lucky. I feel bad for my kids who lost their dad...and any history from that side of the family.