Dear Kurt, I am so very, very sorry you lost your wife, and at such a young age. It is good that you have come here to talk about your heartbreak and shock and feelings because we all understand, care and comfort each other. You are in shock and trauma right now, Kurt. Please just try and relax, it is okay a little bit to stare at the walls because you need time to just stay quiet, and the most important thing for you now is to take care of yourself, emotionally and physically. Try to sleep, eat a little, drink lots of water because the tears of grief dehydrate your system. OMG, it is always so excrutiatingly heartbreaking to see new widows and widowers who just recently lost their loved ones and to hear their heartbreaking stories.

In a way it is good that you left Canada, gave away all your physical possessions that bring back memories of your married life with your wife, and go to Canada. It's like a cleansing, but it's just an illusion because no matter where you go or what you do, the heartbreak will follow you in your journey of grief. A lot of people here take comfort in just staying put in their family home, keeping all their loved ones things, just to hang on. It's all different for all of us. No judgments here at all. I understand perfectly how you feel about just "wanting to run away from it all." It's natural, but like I say it stays with you. You see, that's what I wanted to do when my husband, John, died 16 months ago in August 2015. I just wanted to clear out everything in my apartment, everything, get a back pack, go south of the border to Mexico, live in an adobe hut, eat tacos, and sit by the beach. A simple life. In retrospect, I wish, and would have probably been better off doing that than staying put and "fighting" this heartbreak, trying to move forward, only got myself into a lot more trouble that was unnecessary that I created, "trying to move forward." So I think it's good you made a clean break because it will take a long time to "rebuild your life", on your personal journey. It's just going to take time, go through it, don't fight it. It's good to get physical, move, keep moving, doing anything, go to the gym, lift weights, bodybuild, run, it's cold now in Canada but just walk, do yoga. Just get physical. It's a physiological mind-body connection and will bring you strength of mind and body, to bring your power back. It took me over 16 months to this point now, to "get my power back", as a woman, to know what I'm doing, because I did all those things, yes, go to the gym, yoga, bodybuilding, it squeezed the pain out of my body. Time, my dear, just go slow and easy with your life now, remember the good, sweet memories of your wife and your life together, try and laugh, try not to do any crazy things like I did, like going to a Christmas party the first year and running out sobbing when I heard the music because my John was not there to dance with me, and like going on a dating website to find a man to divert this grief off of me. Doesn't work that way, this grief is a personal journey and some day, you will emerge out of that cave of darkness and grief and look up to the sky, and smile at the sunshine. There is life for us, hope, joy, happiness after we lose our dear ones, and remember, just keep your heart silent, because their spirits are always with us. Take care, my friend, come back often, we will help you now, and listen.
Hugs, Nanette

Kurt, you poor dear man. I know exactly how you feel. Yesterday was 3 months since my husband passed. I constantly feel like running away. Getting rid of everything and just moving to another state so I don't have to look at every reminder. You made a bold decision and you followed through. There is something to be said for that. You were in a new place for your wife and when she was gone you wanted to go back to what you knew. What was comfortable. The hard part is that now even where we used to be comfortable we are not. It is so soon for both of us. You are going to find your way back into some kind of a groove. I am so sorry for your pain. I am praying that you find some comfort and relief. You are in my prayers. Jeanne

Kurt, I'm so sorry for your loss, of your Love...I lost my husband, Dennis 18 months ago. He passed suddenly in his sleep..I remember being right where you are now, it's awful I know..I remember standing in my kitchen one day and just screaming at him for leaving me..and crying non-stop till I made myself sick..but I made it..never thought I'd ever get to a place of peace but I have..I still have my sad days..but now I smile more often and don't feel guilty when I do...Dennis would never want me to go on grieving for ever..He would be saying Gail, get over it better days are coming and he was usually right...he always said when I go I don't want you sitting around boo-wooing over me...yeah, right...I find you have to go straight through it Kurt, there are no short cuts and never let anyone tell you should be over your loss in X amount of time..we all grieve different...
I find I had to get out of bed every mourning, make it, get dressed and try and eat something..I lost 25 pounds..keeping hydrated is the most important thing...See a doctor you might need something to help you sleep and anxiety, which for me was the worst...My daughter made an appointment and made me go..I glad she did..because I never take more than an Advil, on occasion..
Kurt, sometimes you need to make the effort, to call family and friends and let them know how you're doing..People don't always know what to say and I think that's why they stay away..
Just remember Kurt as fortunate as you were to have your love in your life, she was also fortunate to have had you in hers...You will always miss her Kurt, and know I miss Dennis everyday..It will become a new kind of normal, Kurt...Come here often Kurt there are many wonderful people here willing to share....Let us know how you're doing, we care...;-)
Don't cry because it's over..smile because it happened...Peace and Prayers...Gail..

Thank you all for your replies. Its funny everyone says about the same thing about better days are coming and that she wouldnt want me to grieve her forever. So I know its probably true but I still cant really believe it.
Feeling guilty for having fun is the worst part of it so far, I went and seen my sister recently and had to come home because I felt awful. It felt like I was forgetting her.
The feeling of guilt is so much scarier then the constant pain I get. Cause the pain I get everyday is unchanging its easy to gauge and although its unrelenting it never changes. When I feel guilty it feels like I have betrayed her in some manner and that is panic striking.

I talked to a counselor and she told me the usual stuff, I dont really feel like I got anything from it. I sold my car in Canada and thus have a little bit of money but thats not going to last forever. The idea of going back to work is horrible I was working in Canada and it was practically impossible for me to stay composed.

She was only 34 and I am only 35 so I feel like we should have had a whole life ahead of us.
Yet now I have no idea where to go. Its amazing how no matter how hard you try you cant find an answer because no one knows.
Where do I go from here? Im so confused.

I remember feeling panic stricken when it happened and the whole first 2 weeks after were a blur to me. I dont really remember anything but now I feel like im reliving the same day over and over and over.
I tried explaining this to a friend she didnt get it. I dont feel like anything is changing emotionally and im still running on autopilot.

So much to ponder and no guide to help.

Things are just things they spark the memories but you are the one that holds the memories. Never forget the memories are always with you wherever you may go.
The guilt, I know that one well. I wish I could give you an exact time frame of when it goes away but I can't. For me it was just not there after I got back from somewhere one day. I miss my husband and want him with me but the guilt for living does ease and disappear.
I fully admit if have high expectations of myself and I hold others to that same standard- and I finally realized why I'm always disappointed...people have no idea what I want, I don't voice my needs (which most times I have no idea what they are anyway) so I'm constantly disappointed. Also some people have emotional limitations and are just not capable of helping me. What I found works is talking with other widows, it's that been there done that attitude I need...it give me light at the end of the tunnel. I have my twisted widow sister to confide in (ironically our husbands knew each other from school and town and my brother in law was his best friend, they died 30 days apart both suddenly and way too young 29 and 34.) there is comfort in knowing your not alone on the journey. HUGS! Laurie

Try to settle in some sort of routine each day - even if it is walking outside for half an hour - it will give you some structure at the moment. Each of us grieve differently - I find reading and researching about grief helped me the most. Writing down what/how makes you feel guilty or panicky will help you analyze these situations and how to handle them better.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've done the geography cure for my first loss also. It didn't cure anything. My loss was still front in center while it seemed the whole world was just going on like normal. The only thing I can share with you is I survived. I made some poor decisions while in the heights of my grief. But I am here. I am more than likely going to make a few poor decisions this time during my grief. I will survive and grow emotional. I will reach out to my friends more often this time and spend time on this board to gain strength from others who are feeling the grief. I send u hugs during your grief. I understand u hurt & that your world has changed forever.

I wish i'd found this site earlier... so many of you mirror my own journey of this passage through grief. I had this sudden insight after reading some of the posts that, Hey! i'm not alone.. the universe did not single me out to suffer in this manner... many of you are here helping us regain some sort of pathway, direction, healing.. thank you all.

Kurt, It's regret, I think that really is the worst kind of pain..Yeah, guilt is bad, and sadness is bad, but regret, is the sickly combination of both..Guilt is such a wasted emotion, and I know Dennis would never want me going around feeling guilty, because I laugh or smile at something..He loved too laugh, and was very much an optimist..He loved me and our daughters and grand kids...I know that..
I'm sure you were deeply loved, by your Love..also...Talk about her with your friends and family, and always use her name and make them use it as well..I never like it when someone says, are you getting over it yet..and I say use his name, Dennis, wasn't an it..he lived and I miss him every minute of everyday... People look a little taken aback when I say that, that's their problem, but most agree and just smile and say Dennis..
My husband was a skeptic, but I've had so many signs from him as have other family members..
Talk her and ask her for a sign..It's usually something small..not always a big production..Kurt Dennis and I worked out a code for which ever one us went first..We were married on my birthday.and that was when it was suppose to happen, and it did Kurt in a big way...I written about on here before, maybe you can find it..It's kind of long..if not let me know and I'll re-post it..and another from my daughter..Take care of you Kurt..Remember they can see us, and are not grieving.
I have to believe that..Peace..Gail...

Kurt..here a list of books that have helped me:
Ever Lasting Love..and Never Say Goodbye. by Patrick Matthews..
Chicken Soup for the Soul, books..
Dreams and Premonitions...
Miraculous messages from Heaven..
Touched by an Angel....

Imagine Heaven, by John Burke..
The Afterlife of Billy Fingers...

You can find them on Amazon..Or maybe your local library..

Do not buy 90 minutes in Heaven..a waste of money...

I hope maybe this will help you..Gail... ;-)

Thanks for the kind words everyone. It seems im still not really able to understand where to start. I tried to do some minor re-positioning and cleaned up a bit today. But I think part of that was to try and keep my mind off stuff. I went to see about grief counseling and they told me "Your case is not suited to what we offer, if you still feel like this in 2 months call us" So I was a little pissed off about that. At least in Canada they would have helped even if it wasnt free.

I am horribly regretting moving now, I got told off someone I knew in Canada its snowing there atm. I love the snow I used to go out in it with my wife and randomly mess around. Its always so beautiful at this time of year.
I also am left with the thought that I havnt been in UK for a number of years properly and so its taking some getting used to. I miss Canada, or I dont know if its Canada or my wife I miss or both.

I still go onto Facebook and listen to voice messages she sent me when she was at her mothers. So I can remember her voice. I only really have a couple and they are short but no less beautiful.

Am I torturing myself or is this normal?

Dear Kurt, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your wife. It is approaching five months since I lost my husband and what I can tell you is the grief at one month isn't the same as it if at almost five. The first month after losing Bob I too ran away to our summer cottage for a month and like so many people have said no matter where you are the grief is with you, there is no geographic cure. The loss of a spouse is one of the most profound losses that any human can experience. They were our partners in life, the one we could always turn to and lean on and then suddenly they are gone and we are left wondering who we are without them. Like you any attempt that I made to have some normalcy in life felt like I was betraying him. I remember watching a tv show and laughed at something a character said then burst into tears and felt that I had no right to be laughing. How I have coped over these few months has been literally a second at a time. The people that I have allowed in put no expectations on me and are loving and supportive but on my terms. I have excluded anyone who has been intrusive or cannot respect the degree of pain that I am, to push myself forward I stated writing a journal whenever I have a happy memory of Bob and I was lucky to have a million memories with him. My husband did something every day that either made me laugh or smile, if heaven exists and he can see me, I know that he would want me to laugh as hard and as often as I can and some day I hope that I will be able to do that. For now, I still feel like a little child lost in a massive city where I don't know who I am or where I am. My Bob was my rock am dead the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. If you had that , how can any of us not feel lost when it is gone. In regards to counseling, one session isn't going to do it. We all experience transference and anger when we are grieving and it is natural to expect the therapist to make you feel better and then to feel angry when it doesn't happen. If you go every week, it makes you get up, and dresssed and showered and out into the world even for an hour and in time it usually helps a lot. Like so many others have said to you, this wound is new, it is open and raw and agonizingly painful. Please reach out to the group here or perhaps a bereavement group near you. Many local Hospice agencies hold free grief groups for anyone who has had a loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and wish you moments of peace wherever you can find them. Hugs, Laura

Yeah im hiding from Christmas this year. No one is getting anything and im not leaving my apartment. Im gonna pretend it isnt Christmas, this would be my wifes favourite time of year. Sadly she isnt here to celebrate it with me and that just makes it pointless for me to even try.
Also I can understand that im actually a really fragile guy my Christine was my rock and she really didnt even realise it. I was so grateful for everything she did.
Like you I find myself wracked with guilt when I smile at anything so I just try and stay grumpy least I dont feel like hell afterwards. I miss her more and more everyday, I find myself feeling worse everyday instead of better. Cause now I feel lonely yet having no desire to stop being lonely, im caught in some strange paradox which I have no idea how to solve.

So I'll be ignoring this holiday is happening and lying in bed pretending its January.