Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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alwaysafraid61 12/09/2012

1 mo ago today I lost my husband, best friend & love of my life, it seems like its been 1 year instead of 1mo! time for me seems to be standing still but the world around me is going on, I hate to go to stores right now& see people (couples) happily shopping together for Christmas, laughing, talking, discussing there shopping lists BAH HUMBUG! I have forced myself out to the stores a few times only because we have a daughter & I know my husband would want Christmas to go on for her, I haven't put up any decorations only bought a tiny little tree & put a few decorations on it for her. I did go to church this morning, it was hard but he absolutely loved our church & I feel close to him when im there, but the rest of the day I have spent doing nothing but sitting In silence, crying & having all my guilty feelings resurface for not being in the room with him his last few hours of life, Im not sure if I shared this with you all or not but that last week of my husbands life was horrible, he was in ICU for 4 days before they moved him to hospice &I was spending every night at the hospital with him, not sleeping, not eating & crying most of the time so by the time they moved him to hospice I was so exhausted & almost couldn't cope anymore that the wonderful hospice nurses gave me a blanket & told me to go lay on the couch that was just outside his room to try & at least rest & calm myself down, so I did & apparently feel asleep for a few hours, I finally woke up when family started to arrive in the early morning to see him & I let his sister that had traveled from a distance go in 1st to see him, she was in the room for little bit with him when the nurse came out to get me to tell me he was passing, when I went in the room his heart was still beating but he was unconscious, I kissed his lips & told him how much I loved him & told him to just go rest in peace now & not worry about us, but Im just so angry at myself for not staying in the room with him those last few hours of his life, I can only hope he forgives me for that. Thanks for listening...........kim

randall441 12/09/2012

My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can assure you that he would feel that there is no need for forgiveness. You don't need to feel guilty and feel good that you got to say goodbye. He knows that you loved him. I'm only at 9 1/2 weeks, so I can't tell you that it is going to get better very quick. Just know that there are many of us here that understand your pain and do care.
Hugs

Lady101 12/09/2012

I am so sorry for you and your daughter. I understand your feeling. It's only been seven weeks since I lost my husband. I know that anger. My husband had a heart attack while we were snorkeling and I was not able to get to him before the boat took him away to the hospital. I wasn't with him when he passed and that has broken my heart even more.

But a dear friend told me that because we loved each other so much that he carried the strength of that love within him in those last moments...he knew the power of that love that will last forever....he felt my arms around him even when they weren't there.

I'm willing to bet your husband felt the power of your love....you have to believe that....we have to believe that to help us get through
this. We are all here for you.

Sending lots of love , hugs and prayers your way.
Blessings,
Sharon

NewRoadsForMe 12/09/2012

My heart goes out to you in sympathy in the loss of your husband. Also, my heart goes out to you because you are blaming yourself and you do not deserve to feel guilt. Who in the world helped your sweet hubby more than you did? No one! You were by his side in the ICU for days. You are human and your body needed rest. You did not do anything wrong. He may not have been aware of who was or wasn't by his side at the very end. The important thing is that you loved him more than anyone else did, and you were there for him more than anyone else. So be kind to yourself and remember how much he loved and and I'm sure was deeply appreciative of all the loving care you gave him. You were wonderful to care for him as you did. None of us could have done more than you did. May you find comfort in knowing you did everything any human could possibly do. I would hug you if I could. You need some hugs. ((((((Hugs)))))
Kathleen

ohsolost 12/09/2012

Oh, My Dear Kim! You are just in the beginning stages of this horrible grief process. And, guilt is your phase right now. I can relate to that so very well.

I had to make the decision to let my Darrell go so he could be at peace. After 10 months, guilt is still my toughest issue. My brain understands the logic that I did everything I could to help him, but I'm still trying to convince my heart of that fact. I, too, was so exhausted after spending 16 days of traveling from home to the ICU and spending that time either in the ICU waiting room or at his bedside. Now, of course, I ask myself, "Why didn't I sleep there so I could have spent more time with him? More guilt!

As Kathleen has stated: " May you find comfort in knowing you did everything any human could possibly do."

The pain you're feeling right now does lessen. It takes time. Emotional healing takes time, just like physical healing does.

Hugs,
Terry

Shrn 12/10/2012

Guilt is a very damaging emotion based on our own self doubt. I know because, like so many, I wanted to rationalize somehow he could have lived if only..... I lost my husband to lung cancer and it was so heart wrenching to come home alone.

You did all you could and more. Know that in your heart and remember the love you shared. He is with you in those memories and always will be. Sharon

deleted_user 12/10/2012

sounds like we all have had the same feelings. I lost my husband to lung cancer on Oct.12 - he was in the hospital for the last eight days of his life. I had a routine down get up go to the hospital for a few hours - go to work - go back to the hospital. Then grudgingly go home to rest and back the next day. When I left him the last night I knew they were going to call me from the hospital, at times I try to go down the road of "why didn't I stay that night". for me it serves no purpose. My husband knew that no one in the world loved and cared for him more than I did. We also knew that no matter what I did it wouldn't have changed the outcome. I feel that when I left that last night he had already started his journey to the other side. A journey he had to make without me. I needed to be rested so I could hold it together, for his family and my children. They hadn't been with him on the day by day, hour by hour journey though this horrible illness. They were all still catching up with the reality of it all. I feel that same detachment from the world that you discribed. I don't feel like celebrating Christmas or decorating or buying presenting or working or anything......I will do the best I can and know that my husband would think it it was grand whatever I did. Caring for someone when their ill is the greatest expression of Love there is not everyone can do it. Please stop beating yourself up - I'm sure he felt your love all around him. Peace and Love to you - Rene

deleted_user 12/10/2012

We all carry some guilt no matter what the circumstances are.Its all part of the grieving we face. My thoughts and prayers for you as you go through the healing process. 10 months today that I lost my husband and it is the first time since he's passed that I'm able to get through without the tears or other emotions.((( Hugs))) to you.

deleted_user 12/10/2012

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband Mike and I were married almost 16 years, and together almost 19 years. We loved as much and more than most couples ever do. soul mates from the first day. Mike passed at home so quickly, that by the time i was off the phone to teh 911, he was not breathing. I had the same feelings, if only i had not been on the pohone, but I had to call 911! he was convulsing. I understand your feelings. It was just his time, and God's timing is not ours. Be easy on yourself, I like you was twith mike for many years in diabetic seizures, issues, adn the like. He lived a life with a thorn, Diabetes. I know we have all the beautiful memories. Remember that you can focus on those. Your husband is not suffering, and iknows wtih all his heart that you were there always, and did everything you could. Mike used to tell me that all the time. We miss our loved one, and we dont want to add unnecessary guilt. Our loves are in Heaven now. We need our strength so we can grieve and move on. It has been 40 days today that Mike went to be wtih the Lord. Feels like 40 years and time is so irrelevant to me now. Every day is so long. I pray for you you will make it, we will make it on this journey, as painful as it is :( XX

Comfortablynumb 12/12/2012

My husband died on December 12th, four years ago. I'm here tonight because of that date, otherwise, I'm not as friquent as I used to years ago.
I wanted to tell you that you were a good & a loyal wife being by his side till the moment he left this world. The exact Timing is not for us to decide. But it is for us to resolve this circle of guilt, by simply accepting the fact that we are not G-d, and it is not for us to decide & make our life calendars.
List the things you had done for your love, especially whn he was sick, make a list for the sake of your healing. You need to see the whole picture, objectively, and n detail. I hope my advise make sense to you, more importantly, I hope this will help.
Wam hug.

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