WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS OF FAITH Community Group

A place where people of faith may freely discuss issues of grief from a faith based perspective.

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gerald222 03/30/2019

One of the biggest challenges I believe for those travelling this journey of grief is the loneliness. We defined ourselves as a couple sharing our life with someone else and overnight we are 'single". I hated that term and widower in the early stages of my grief. My heart was not single in anyway. Then all the firsts poured in. The first time going home and no one was there. The first time you wanted to share your day and no one was there. The first time you are sick and no one is there. The first time going in a restaurant by yourself. The chores that were once shared in the house and now are yours. The list is endless. The sadness in reaching over in the bed and you are alone. This challenge was one I wrestled with like most people here and was reminded of it as I was walking through the park and saw a couple reach for each others hand. Such a simple but intimate gesture. At one time in the grief journey I was jealous of couples like that but now thank God I had 23 years of that kind of unconditional love.

This is a topic anyone here could write about and I hope some share their journey with loneliness both the challenges and triumphs. For me the loneliness initially brought intense emotional pain. I will call out to God to help me but it was truly a brutal journey. Ever so slowly I realized God was always with me and the peace that can provide. Part of the loneliness journey was rediscovering who I was as a person. Seeing the value in myself and starting to feel whole again. For me I am a very social person so reaching out socially even when uncomfortable was necessary and has resulted in good friendships being built. I also nourished exisiting family relationshis that were not that great. I told a grief counselor a long time ago I dont want another relationship until I feel whole and healed. It is nobodys job to heal or fix me.

At one time I didnt really understand the concept of aloneness. But now I see it as leading a solitary life in peace which is very different than loneliness where there is a sense of turmoil. Most of the time I can live with aloneness but yes loneliness creeps in from time to time. One thing I have learned is this part of the journey is there are alot of people in the world craving the connection of a community. Someone has to take the first step and reach out there hand. A stranger is a friend you havent met yet. God bless

jewells1 03/30/2019

I don't think I will ever forget when I asked for a Wingman. It wasn't taken well by some but it helped to have a friend to share things with.

The last year was busy and troubling in my world, so much so I shut down here since all of my energies were being used up by other situations. I prayed for so many and then something else would happen. I wondered why. So much so I was happy for my alone time. So when things finally slowed to a crawl I missed the chaos. Also the time I could just enjoy going out on single expeditions to enjoy. Live music , festivals positive vibes that feed my soul. I am now making time for them now.

I wake and thank the Creator for a chance to see what the day will bring. Sure it would be nice to have a partner to share these things with as before. But it is not a priority, I am okay doing things on my own. I find I still can be in awe of seeing others do something larger than they hoped. I do what I can to support their efforts.

This week end was a biggie girl weekend for that kind of support and honoring of the water and those that walked over 300 miles to protect the waters.

I am tired and cramped but happy for both since it was done for a great cause, Mother Earth.

AfterMom 04/01/2019

tomorrow is the 45th anniversary of our marriage and I cry now. He died 5 days before our 41st anniversary. this "feels like" the 4th time I've been through this date (although it is the 5th!) because the first time was our families' (private) viewing of him in the casket and I was deep in shock. Was he really dead and gone? I knew he had left his body but That day was so unbelievable that it seemed like it sure could not be real. I had to hold myself together for the sake of all our offspring. we had adult grandkids who he was more of a Dad to, than he was a grampa.
I have not transitioned from loneliness to simply being alone.
It's the complete erasure of of having someone in this life who I "belong" to and belong with that is hell. I belong nowhere now. The only living breathing thing I have is my dog. All other loved ones have others at their home & in their busy daily lives and don't need me. I do not know how to do this, and mostly, I really don't want to. I would rather go Home to be with the Lord. I marvel at Gerry's walk of emotional health and growth. To me, It is like a foreign country. I don't know how to acquire the language or customs, so feel very lost.

shewearsblack17 04/02/2019

We were not created to be alone - at least I wasn't. The loneliness eats at me like a canker sore. As I once AGAIN have started packing to move, the grief hits me hard. Still going through some of his things, after two years. I realize that things are just things, and that you have to let go of some of the old to acquire new, but it's still heart wrenching. I don't know if I will find gold at the end of the rainbow again; I know I won't if I stay in this place. Still it's overwhelming.

My church has also let me down since I had my injury, so I have shed many tears the last few weeks. It's a dark time, and I'm barely into the packing. The headstone will be done before Memorial Day. Will that create closure? I don't know. My occupational therapist is saying we are done after one more visit; he was a nice young man who has been more helpful than many Christians I know. (I still have one very tight tendon in my wrist that won't release).

Moving close to my siblings will hopefully be a healing force, but they too have their own lives. It's me and God and a few nice people in my community, at this point. I can only take one day at a time. It's pretty sad when people shoot the wounded rather than try to encourage them. I have been devalued by many since being widowed and even more so since my surgeries and all that entailed. I think maybe I can set some boundaries, but I can't make people respect me. I guess "let the world go by and get off my shoulder" is my current motto. I'll catch up sooner or later.

Veronica77 04/02/2019

I am finding it hard as spring arrives. Mike has been gone for five years 02/11/19. I have been putting one foot ahead of the other and now that five years have gone by it is really hitting me with the new life in the spring! I have been crying more lately. As AfterMom says "living in a foreign land"! You give me hope Gerry that one day I will get there!

Kimberlina 04/03/2019

I remember when Jim was alive being home in the quiet house with no one was a blessing then after he died it became a curse. I am also a very social person or I should say I was. Now I just feel like I am a 3rd, 5th, or 7th wheel with our friends. It is amazing how you can feel lonely in a room full of people. I have gotten a little better about adjusting to the loneliness. Some days it just creeps up on you. I do have a hard time at church which is really weird, but seeing all the couples at church brings the what I thought should have been. As for work, I work with the same 4 people every day and in my small little cave of an office so I kinda feel lonely at work also. I have thought about getting a part time job doing something I love as not to feel like a job and meet new people. Before that can happen I have to find me again and figure out what I like to do. This is all an adjustment and I am trying to find the right lane, I too need to keep calling on God to show me the way!!!!!

Duchess 04/04/2019

Like the rest of you,I have really struggled with feeling so lonely. It has been 13 months since I lost Tom. It feels like Tom took half of me with him when he died. After all those years of being us, it's just me whoever that is...I don't have a clue.

I am fortunate to have several girlfriends I love, and we do see each other fairly often. It's great, but is just missing the total intimacy I felt with Tom.

Yesterday I hired a handyman for a project. He's been here for other jobs before and is reliable and good company. When he was leaving, he gave me a hug. Absolutely platonic, but I couldn't believe how good it felt to be hugged by a man !

I just feel so sad that that part of my life is over.

AfterMom 04/04/2019

the honest sharing within this thread is comforting. thank you to each person.

roxanne809 04/05/2019

My husband passed away in 2010, and I still have a hard time with aloneness. I find that, other than work, I spend quite a bit of time alone; and loneliness does seem to take over. I will retire soon, and I know that retirement without my husband is going to be a real challenge. I just plain miss him, and a day has not gone by since he has been gone that I don't think about him. I keep praying that God will give me some peace. I hope to get where you are one day, Gerry; but I don't see it in the near future. Roxanne

Chosendia 04/07/2019

Amen! That is so true, thanks.

rubyd 04/07/2019

I hate being lonely it's been 3 yrs for me and I am still trying to get use to being alone

shewearsblack17 04/08/2019

Loneliness is a terrible bedfellow. Lately I have felt as if his family booted me out of the picture entirely! His kids post things on FB, and it's almost like I didn't exist for those 6 years. I know he remarried too soon after their mom died, but they could give me a little credit. I took pretty good care of him while they ridiculed him. (Now he's a saint.) It's kind of like taking a chapter out of a book. Others act the same way, like there is a disconnect somewhere and I'm not the true widow. There's just a lot to process, but I need to get out of the mullygrubs and start living again - if I could figure out how.

gerald222 04/08/2019

I want to thank both those that have posted before and those that are posting for the first time. By sharing our individual perspective hopefully a healing community will be built here. Even if we dont have all the answers its nice to know you can share the journey with others who 'get it". God bless

jdp 04/08/2019

Our journey has taken us thru depths of despair, unanswered questions, grief beyond belief, upheavals & obstacles that seem insurmountable. It has been helpful to read of others & how they survived the pangs in the loss of their spouse. Having faith & belief that God will provide His grace to see me thru helps in this adjustment.
Life is full of change. For us, coping with ways to find fulfillment by ourselves is challenging. Reaching out to others can fill gaps in our time. Try to keep positive, we are survivors. He is faithful...
Thank you Gerald for your insight, it's very beneficial.
jdp

avm99 04/15/2019

I have struggled with loneliness for years. It's been over 7 years since my husband died. In my early stages of grief I called a prayer line to ask to prayers. The woman who answered was also a widow for decades. She said the Jesus is her husband. At the time I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard because I needed someone to be physically present to raise my three kids by getting them to and from school, taking them to activities, making dinner, grocery shopping ... all the business of life. I ventured out to the dating world with no success only to find that because I was lonely I was settling to men who were no good for me. It was like I needed someone to fill the void that I tolerated less that what I deserved. I turned to God and prayed to fill the void of emptiness in my heart. The loneliness does not overwhelm me with sadness. I am happy and comfortable with myself as I now focus on my relationship with God. I have men who ask me out but I can not clearly see from the beginning that they are not good for me. and I am happy being alone. I don't need to be with someone who does not deserve me and still feel lonely.

Antonella

shewearsblack17 04/16/2019

Jesus may fill in for our husbands, in a sense, but He isn't going to give us that physical touch we are used to. Or participate in audible conversations. I believe this refers to HIm supplying our needs. It doesn't help that my church has given me the "boot." I guess I expected too much, so I decided to relieve them of the perceived burden of my care. I either do things myself, or hire people to do what I can't do. It would be nice to date, if with the right person, but I don't need any more hurt or rejection on top of my grief and loneliness. Relocating closer to my family and starting fresh at another church will hopefully be a good thing, I feel overwhelmed with the tasks at hand, but all I know to do is trust God and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I pray daily for strength and direction.

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