He's in the fog -- part of the problem and perpetuating the problem. If he was in his right mind, he would have left her a long time ago. It's amazing how much clearer one sees the situation after undergoing therapy and spiritual healing.

Maybe he's crossing his fingers that his wife will soon be off his hands!

bettybeans haha....that theory has crossed my mind as well.

Ariyanna....Can you explain more elaborately what you mean by 'fog'?

Seriously, I was like her husband, waiting and hoping while my ex got involved
heavily with a colleague. He had threatened to take full custody and since he
was extremely abusive to my son when I wasn't around I felt completely stuck.

I encouraged him to take long vacations and extend his conferences (which were often
sight seeing trips) My son and I loved the peace when he was gone. She kept
stringing him along, telling him she was going to leave her husband, but I don't
think she had any intention of doing that. I was hoping that she would keep my exP
so enthralled that he wouldn't hurt our son or that he'd just dump him on me so
that they could have more alone time once they finally married.

He finally found another colleague (probably many) that he jumped in the sack with and
then finally offered to divorce me and split custody 50/50 instead of the full custody
he and his family were gunning for. When he told me about the affair and asked me for
a normal divorce, it was one of the happiest days of my life.

Your ex's paramour's husband might be on boards like this one, desperately looking for
a way out!! Sounds like they deserve each other.

Waitingwife, to answer your question about fog...it is the Fear, Obligation and Guilt that P/S/N's use on us to keep us stuck where we are (with them). It isn't until we really begin to understand what psychopathy is that the FOG begins to lift and we can start to see clearly what has been going on right in front of us.

bettybean.....You know I really never thought of that. That could be exactly it. The couple are Shiite ( a sect of Islam) and under Shiite law the custody usually goes to the father. However I saw a Shiite lawyer who was actually divorcing his wife and she was getting the custody of the children so I realized that it's not as easy as I thought forShiite men to take custody. That could very well be it that he is afraid to lose custody of his girls.

The woman tried to pull me into the relationship in the beginning, I'm guessing it's one of her smoke screen strategies, I didn't like it. But then I had this sub-conscience need to do it just so I wasn't excluded out of what my husband was up to. But it didn't take long that I became I so uncomfortable with it I confronted him about it. At that moment is when I lost him.

bettybean.....I hope your son is safe with your ex. And praying your son will see with clarity that your love is the model he will incorporate into his personality. It must be tough.

eternity75.....Thank you for the explanation. I had theorized that as well. I saw in the short period of time how my husband went through this apparent personality change since being with her. I can imagine what years of being married to her would do to a person, especially if he were a weak character initially anyway.

There is a link in the upper right hand corner of this web page to Out of the Fog: http://www.outofthefog.net/

thanks ))

Waitingwife, I got very lucky as my ex became so embroiled in his affair (I think this
woman is BPD as well as psychopathic) that he granted me full custody. Which has
been amazing fortunate for my son and I, I feel so lucky and blessed it turned out this
way.

Although it's better so so so so so much better, it is bittersweet, as I can clearly see
how much the drama my ex caused disrupted my son's life. The only drama we normally
have now is the kitty getting stuck on the screen and knocking over glasses of water, lol.
The good kind of drama.

BTW, I'm curious, how did this woman pull you into the relationship? Did the four of you
socialize together as couples? I had to deal with that with my ex's first affair partner.
She loved inviting me to her large social gatherings, I think in order for me to witness my
ex falling all over her in adoration. I don't really get what her husband thought about all this
Although it was really embarrassing and well downright humiliating, I had my fingers crossed
so tight that she'd leave her hubby and take mine off my hands, they nearly broke.

bettybean......Our situations are so similar. She is a student of my husbands. She introduced herself to me once when I went to his place of work. My husband then told me she asked permission for my number. I reluctantly gave it. She began texting me with random chatting. Then it became coffee at my husband's work, then coffee at my home...yes we began to go out a few times as a couples. She did something really over the top. Imagine a simple question to her asking her where the wholesale flower market is, turned into her paying for, and arranging my son's entire wedding! And that son of mine is not even this husband's son. After that I invited her and her husband over for a very luxurious dinner, a show of appreciation by me. She then 'just happened to be going to the same destination and the same accommodation we were booked for. When my husband realized that he canceled our trip. That was followed be her inviting me to Paris. At that point I thought ,hold up, this is getting really weird. It was at that point I very diplomatically and kindly expressed to her my concerns of her behaviors towards my husband. That's when she went ballistic on me. And i horrifyingly over the days, and weeks watched my husband defend her and not want to change anything about his relationship with her even though he saw she disrespected me.

I too believe she dragged me into it to watch her seduce my husband.

Wow, just wow. These women are so alike! I had a frenemy, who leaned on me
heavily while she was divorcing. As soon as she got her share of the $$, she
started hopping into bed with one married guy after the other. One of her
favorite tactics was to buddy up with the wife first and that way innocently begin
to get to know the husband and find out his schedule.

After that she would conveniently find ways to spend time alone with him by
taking up his hobbies or crying on his shoulder and asking for help around
the house with projects, etc. I had the misfortune to go along on a couple of
the outings with her and the targeted husband, basically I was along as free
child care. I watched cringing as she behaved in an incredibly seductive fashion
with him. Once he became smitten, she started becoming cold to the wife
and portrayed the husband as a martyr to a crazy women. It was really awful.
The poor woman didn't know what hit her. I watched and heard about her doing
this with a number of couples for close to a year because our sons were friends.

I finally couldn't stand it anymore and just became too " busy" to spend anymore
time with her. I wonder how many women do this?? It's incredibly insidious.
And yes of course the men are totally responsible for going along with it, but still
the machinations of these women are quite intense.

Oh and I remember how as she first began to befriend the wife, she was
always commenting about the woman's looks. I really think the whole thing
was a sick kind of competition for her. She wanted to know if she was seductive
enough to break up a seemingly solid marriage. Once the guy turned into mush
she seemed to get bored.

My ex got involved with a young woman who had actual tantrums demanding that
he get divorced immediately so that she be able to spend time with our son?!!
She stalked me several times and also had her friends stalk me, I guess to
intimidate me. She also decided to tell all of his colleagues about the affair and
that he was leaving me because I was "crazy".

The best part was that she was still spending vacations with her ex and also
dating numerous men at the same time she was pressuring my ex. I've
watched her out of morbid curiosity on social media and seen her chum up with
wives and then husbands over and over.

Must be a common tactic.

Wow! yes very similar. I too believe it is a game for them. They need men to love them, and to have a large audience watch it. I know her other competition was not only me as the wife, but her fellow students. She had to be THE ONE. The instructor's fav. And she did several tactics to ensure my husband would have to work with her more closely. I went through my husband's schedules and I discovered, she was the only student in his 20 years of teaching to be the ONLY ONE to take ONLY private lessons with him. Until now after four years of riding she has not taken a group lesson like every other normal person. (honey, if you can't ride a horse without a private lesson by now, you really need to hang up your boots). She also paid him up front for a year's worth of him riding her horse for her. So she locked him into that by paying for an entire year. She was very calculated. Now she has him and he rides her horse for free lol, and she lets him ride her for free as well.

Ugh

But thank you for taking the time to notice 'the women'. Yes, the men are responsible and to blame, but these women are sick monsters.

This is all childhood related.

I was married to a liar/narcissist. She betrayed me early on and I stayed. My way of trying to correct my self worth issues was the wrong way and made things worse. I got to feel the guilt over that. We divorced years later.
My current love and the woman that I was with while separated would be BPD or Antisocial. She is also the most honest person that I have ever met. I love her for it. She tells it the way it is which is an inverse to what I got in my marriage.
We dated, it was back and forth, on and off for 2/5 years. She stuck with me during my divorce. We both saw other partners. I felt every part of the betrayal I felt with my wife.

I am in a lot better shape than what I was during my separation/divorce. Did I make a mistake in seeing someone while I was still technically married? No.

I've learned that God gives us what we need. It's really a matter of how we react to it and sense the pain that we are carrying.

I saw my ex-girlfriend today for the 2nd time in nearly 6 months apart. I love her, I miss her. She was my best friend and I'd like that back.

What has being with her taught me? I was a cheater. I am a fixer. My pattern - blame, cheat, feel bad, fix the other person. So there is a need to fix, a need to feel bad, and blame. I used to blame God for my circumstances. Now I don't. I forgive.

I'm planning on walking with my ex and giving it 6 months with no sex. If we can both keep that agreement and not bring anyone else into the mix I'll consider her as a life partner. Do I plan to condone cheating if it happens? No.

These relationships are complicated. It would be nice to think that being aware of the lies, betrayal, etc would be enough to jump ship and go somewhere else. If there is love and attraction between two people it is for a reason.

That was disconcerting.