Both were emotionally needy. Both lacked love from their mother. Both said the words 'they just wanted to be loved'

I wondered if this is just a coincidence - or is it common with your exes too?

When I met mine he was living with his mom. He said he had just gotten out of seven year relationship living with someone and moved there temporarily and that he was helping her out with bills and around the house because she had just moved to the area from another state to be closer to him, her only child. He had just gotten out of living with someone for seven years but he was living with mommy because he was a broke deadbeat loser and he never paid her a cent but rather bummed money from her, stole and pawned her jewelry and they had huge fights on a weekly basis(I later saw) because he would never mow her yard as promised. On the surface she seemed fairly normal, nice house, decent job etc but after being around her any length of time you could tell something was off about her and their relationship. It got more and more bizarre as time went on. They were each others primary relationship if that makes sense? I knew that it wasn't he and I but he and his mother that were primary. I knew he would and did tell her everything about me, us etc. just my opinion but when you are in a living committed relationship that should be your primary relationship and some things should be sacred and just between you two, loyalty etc.. There was nine if that, his sacred and loyalty was with her and she was a martyr that pretended she hated bing in middle but I know she loved it because she kept it going, encouraged it, has absolutely no friends/ life other than him. Creepy/sick!!!!

My exes mother always seemed to be a wonderful, loving person. But I think she was terribly codependent and enabling. He was her only child, his brother had died shortly after being born, so I think my ex was her "golden child", and that she felt he could do no wrong. I know she helped him cover up a lot of his misdeeds over the years. She's in a nursing home now and he rarely goes to visit her. His biological father was a physically abusive, womanizing alcoholic who would beat his son also. I'd like to feel sorry for my ex, but my family was FAR from perfect either, and that never caused me to lie, cheat, steal and abuse others!

There was a lot of chaos and disruption in ex n/s life as well. He was moved all over the country and his mother was married 5 times. He bio dad left the family and moved to Australia sociopath I'm sure. I think he was virtually uncontollable from a young age...although I think family did try to help him by sending him to a psychologist and military school twice..He said his mom always seemed to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown..and seemed like she could not handle life. I believe he both loved and hated his mother for abandoning him...and letting others raise him for the most part.

@ Phoenix: "I'd like to feel sorry for my ex, but my family was FAR from perfect either, and that never caused me to lie, cheat, steal and abuse others!"

~~EXACTLY!!! LOVE IT!~~~

I've dated tons of narcissists but I only had 2 "deadly exes" that did me any long-term damage:

Ex#1 - I married him at 16 (he was 21). I was trying to escape my own abusive father. Ex#1's mother was an ice queen. Very angry and uncaring. She literally sent chills down my spine. I was terrified of her. His father on the other hand was freaking Santa Claus and one of the nicest men I've ever known. His 3 sisters are enabling & kind and in abusive relationships. He and his 2 brothers are dishonest & abusive with criminal records - including felony theft from their parents.

Ex#2 - Army brat. Totally absent & neglectful father (that's how he got me to feel sorry for him when we met). Ex#2's father was a pilot - surprise, surprise... he loved sex and the computer more than his kids. Ex#2's mother was a horrible alcoholic who separated a few times from their father over the course of their 20-yr marriage and Ex#2 told me they had to raise themselves because mom always "had the flu" (meaning hungover) . One day when she was upset, she told her kids they were horrible children and they were the reason their father left.
Ex#2 was estranged from his father when we met but his mother is one of the worst enablers I've ever known. She's very manipulative and two-faced. She appears very nice when you're face to face, but I don't recall her ever saying one nice thing about someone who wasn't in the room at the time. She spreads rumors like a disease. She's constantly covering for her kids... bailing them out of jail; paying their child support; hiding their cars so they're not repossessed; paying their bills... Her house has a revolving door. I never know who's living with her. My ex has moved back in with her several times throughout the 16 years I've known him.

Both Ex#1 and Ex#2 treated me almost identical to how they treated their own mothers - they both referred to her as a b****... so guess what I was called, too?
There were so many times that I felt they were trying to deliberately mold me into "mommy dearest".
Sick sick sick


Ex#2 -

Mine had a strained relationship with his mother. He always would ask if i wanted to go by her place for the day with him, but then we would never go. He felt abandoned by her as a child and that he coudln't go to her for help. Not sure if that part is true. Most telling, he said that he would almost feel lest pressure if she were not alive.

My ex-husband to be had a mother who was not maternal. She is an actress.( so is he I learned) Self centered. Her House is smelly and disgusting. She eats out of a box. Talks up everything. My husband was the golden child too because of his IQ. All his siblings are divorced and coke heads or alcoholics. Mess up. Parents had travel jobs and left them to themselves to grow up. There is a strong connection with Aspergers and sociopath in my case. I am trying to figure that out. My son is like his Dad. He can lie but he has a conscience. He is in positive environments. Has a black belted is gifted in school. No friends. My husband never had friends till this year(16 yrs married, dated 8) Hmmmmm. Now he is a bar fly. After anything that moves in bars every night buying hookers. Hasn't talked to his children in 8 mo. He has so many problems I could write a book.
We are stuck waiting for divorce. My Daughter hates him. His hole family has gone against me. Absolutely crazy. Teen porn in my house for years. Have proof.

Because he is so self centered he has the education and high paying job. Scary to me he supervises the control tower at a nuke plant.

Gone through our money like he is a rock star. I had two jobs. 8 mo later I am better but still trying to get thru.

I don't think this was a sympathy lie because he told me this when we were having dinner and our relationship was going great. (When I wasn't mad at him, he didn't lie as much) He told me this mother was abusive to him as a child. He told me several stories one included broken bones. I told him the beatings obviously didn't help! He also said his sister pretty much raised him. I witnessed a phone conversation he had with her, he literaly turned into a 5 year old. His tone of voice even changed child like, and called her sis and sissy at the end of every sentence. wierd shit, especially since he is a big ol manly man. He told me about detailed conversations he had with his sister about me, how he wanted to marry me and she wanted to meet me. She was always asking about me. This was all a lie because he turned out to be married. He talked a lot about his mother, never about his father. His mother became hospitalized while we were together, he was with her a lot during that time. He seemed like he cared, either that or enjoyed the attention I was giving him because of that.


ajlw- Supervises the control tower at the nuke plant? A Sociopath? That is scary indeed! (:

Hello everyone! My account has been deleted so I registered again. :) We had a similar, very interesting discussion about it, where most people here said their sociopaths had strange relationships with their mothers and consequently weird relationships with their partners. I remember most members here said that their sociopaths wanted to be "mothered", but also wanted to be covertly dominant in the relationships. I don´t know the mother of my S very good, but she seemed normal. She was very confidant and a dominant woman, though.

All I know that my SP/PP claimed to have a very close relationship with her mother, who died when she was 15, to the point of talking about her fondly and even writing sappy poetry about her, but displayed a cold distance toward her at the same time: misspelling what killed her (calling emphysema "emphaseema", you'd think someone who loved their mom so much would know how to spell what killed her) and even saying that "her death never really affected her like it should have"--or something like that (despite telling me it hit her hard).

No matter what the case, the memory of her mom is still a continued source of amusement and attention-bait.

The relationship between my exNS and his mother was far from normal. I think she favoured him over his older siblings who due to this are quite bitter and resentful towards both the NS and their mother. I believe she makes the majority of his important decisions for him. He will not even buy household items without ringing to consult her first. Quite disturbing for someone in their early 30s. She lives in the next state but they talk on the phone for at least an hour every day. I believe she played a big role in convincing him to walk away from me.

Sunny, that is very interesting! I would agree that in my experience, the sociopath wanted to be mothered but be dominant. I specifically remembered one day when my exNS came home from work after a particularly hard day and was distraught. I cuddled and comforted him (something I generally would not do) and when his mom called (as she would constantly), he told her about how loving I had been and how lucky he felt to have me there with him and she got so jealous! It's a very very odd relationship.

yep, mine wanted me to mother him/take care of everything, yet wanted to be secretive/dominate/manipulative and I truly believe his mother was jealous of me after a time. He had never been with anyone as well educated/ independent/all around decent as me and I think when she saw it was lasting a while she didn't like it. Suddenly she wasn't the only one who had an opinion, was capable, etc.. Before me he was with uneducated/low-class women who were easily controlled/manipulated by him and her. I don't think she liked someone in his life that had a brain and an opinion.

mine is still living with his mother and sister ( which is not all that uncommon in mexico ) but what does and did and should have been a red flag is that they both live off there mothers tiny pension. she was always good to me but spoke spanish so everything was translated for me, i remember the last time i went there she took my hand and was looking at me with these sad eyes and was so happy i was there. i know he has his socio outbursts with them and her because he used to come and tell me he just got into arguments with his mom and sister. they need him to work but he refuses to do so and calls sitting on the internet his job. how red of a flag did i need? i know his mom is getting older and u can tell she is worn out from his shit by looking at her. his dad died a few years back but all i hear is what a bastard he was. i think he may been an S too from what ive heard.

Oh, and parents are also an asset: it's their eternal job to take care of their children, even if they are monsters.

My ex's mother died of alcohol related abuse and his father was a philandering womanizer! He blamed his dad for his mother's premature demise, claiming that his constant comings and goings and affairs with other women, drove his mother to drinking herself to death. He always spoke fondly of his mother, I have even been to the grave, as he used to tidy it up quite regular, cut the grass etc. He has very little contact with his dad, and only goes to see him if he really needs something! (to borrow money or use his phone). He doesn't seem connected to any of his family, he has 2 brothers and 3 sisters, none of them stay in touch with him, and that doesn't seem to bother him at all! When I asked him why none of them seemed to keep in touch with him, he said that they all drifted apart when he married his wife, as none of them (especially his mother) liked her. Unusually (for a sociopath) he was married for almost twenty years and his wife was a controlling person who wanted them to always spend time with her family. (his words ... not mine!)