Pavlova: I agree that there are character issues that we each have to work out. That is one of the most painful parts of the recovery process. What am I lacking that allowed me to become such easy prey? Why was I so willing to turn a blind eye to things that I now see were obvious lies? What "tests" did I pass to convince her that I could be her prey?

This is not necessarily an exercise in beating up on yourself...I hope it will be a learning experience that will make us less vulnerable to being exploited in the future.

I am an INFP. I think the easiest target for any predator is someone who is wounded...or wants to do good. My ex used to talk spit with venom when he talked about "do-gooders"...

The wounded healer...someone called me that. Maybe we are the prototypical victims of the P/S/N predators. We've actually felt the pain that they claim to feel. We have developed empathy and want to give it without limits. This makes us vulnerable to people who just see us as "supply".

I consider myself to be reasonably self-assured and independent, but to be honest, I think I was a little desperate. This was my first real prospect in 5 years (or what I thought was a prospect. NOT) and he must have seen that desperation. Not to mention I am trusting. I tend to be honest for the most part so I guess I just expect honesty back. Well, no more naivete. I will be doing a background check on ANYBODY who shows interest, something I have never done before. Avram, I saw all kinds of amber or red flags but I made excuses for him because of the tragedies he has endured in his life. Plus, he was very clever. The flags were always shown to me when we were having a GREAT time which would distract me from the strange behaviour or comments. The thing I am concerned about now is how fearful I will be now of anyone who approaches me, but I have to remember that there are still normal and good men out there. There is a quote I love, which I will share with you guys as a reminder that at some point I hope we can all begin to trust again. Here it is:
“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.” – Mark Twain, author and humourist

Really great observations, Pavlova, and the quote is excellent, too! I did the same thing. I believed what I would never have believed because I felt sorry for her suffering, loss and illnesses. Of course, that's precisely why she led with those items.

And I still have trouble accepting the fact that someone could lie in such a premeditated manner. Of course, I've lied, but it's always been spur of the moment, when I was caught in a difficult situation. It just doesn't compute to think someone could spend hours or days scouring the Internet for victims and then lure them with with stories concocted over months and years and seal the deal with pictures and video carefully chosen and edited to fit the story.

I hope you will be able to trust again. Don't let this dirtbag ruin the rest of your life. He would enjoy knowing he had that power. Don't give it to him.

Thank you Avram. Glad you like the quote. Every now and then details of his behaviour come back to me as I don't remember everything all at once and I just shake my head. You should have seen him in action. He was very vulnerable and sad, saying he had nobody to talk to but me, no family, and if something happened to him who would he call. And boy was I sympathetic! The whole "relationship" was just layers upon layers of lies, everything perfectly orchestrated.

I hope I can trust again too Avram.

I believe that he did portray himself as sad and alone -- so much the better to draw on your supply of sympathy. My P would often cry so hard she couldn't talk -- because of some thing I had said or written that she imagined to be leading to the end of our relationship. Total manipulation, and yet it sounded so real. No actor could have done as convincing a job. That's why I've included we are dealing with something else here, completely outside of our frame of reference. Incredibly sick and twisted individuals.

What was it that Ronald Reagan said about the Soviets (that turned out to have been a Russian proverb).."trust but verify." If only I had verified...

Avram, I did no verification whatsoever. Mine did the same thing. I walked out after an argument we had and he behaved as if I had left the relationship, when I was simply upset and with good reason because of something he did. He said he cried and couldn't go to work and how he wants to continue but he doesn't know if I will walk out again. This was followed by a sad poem about how the darkness surrounds him and how I have deserted him. Blah blah blah LIES. I cant tell you the amount of times I should have got out and didn't. Why is he still walking around alive and fine?

I haven't cried in weeks, I used to cry every day. But today I cried just going over the whole mess...

Yes! And I think it is one of the best realistic measures. It is well researched science of the human condition. It does take some study to truly understand it though. And there are some differing opinions about it's interpretation.

I have taken the test and am an ISTJ and also susceptible target material for S/P/N's. When I was still unaware of this phenomenon and was ruined by a previous incident, S/P/N's avoided me like the plague because they saw I had already been screwed and was used up material. But when I recovered and came back to myself (regained security and myself), I became a target once again. And I was fooled once again and taken to the cleaners again. I am currently a victim again without doubt. Thanks to the internet I have finally learned, though I fear too late. Prior to the internet the info just wasn't available so I fell into the trap again and again.

Until good/honest (however imperfect) people learn about this phenomenon and how to protect themselves (not be gullible), you will be targets and will be exploited by predators. I am intellectually recovered but not financially or dependently because I gave myself in trust to the enemy once again. I am older now and circumstances have me in a very precarious situation that I am struggling with right now. I need some help but have none and am dependent on my abuser(s). However this time I am silently struggling/planning my escape. When and if I can get a foothold on self dependence again, I am hopeful I will be wise enough to protect myself in the future. But my situation is dire and it may be too late for me, If I don't manage this and my abuser(s) become irate, I will be homeless. I was an orphan and I have no family or resources. I got laid off from a good job of 15yrs just before the veil came off of my S/P/N girlfriend and her NPD son. For those of you that are younger and learning, take heed. I am older now and struggling to keep my confidence. Last June my girlfriends son, a 30 year old NPD parasite who has never held down a job and is a true evil psychopath (the other day he came out of his bedroom which he only does to get meals or some narcissistic supply from his mother, and said "I would love to line up all the Christians and shoot/kill them all!) Nice huh, and his mother (my girlfriend) just goes right along with it and his lifestyle, without ever setting any boundaries. That is just one instance to give you all an idea of the type of personalities I am dealing with. I want to tell them to go f themselves. This woman conned me for 15 years investment in a home (trying to secure something for my life/hers and our children after each of us had bad divorces in the previous 15 years of life. But she has decided to steal my portion of it so that when she dies she can give it all to her son (who hates me of course, because I am meek and liberal and try to think rationally and believed in kindness and helpfulness and responsibility. To him, that makes me "weak") and she, his mother, now suddenly tells me that our joint investment never was joint and that I have just been renting from her for the past 15 years. She targeted me right about the time I was recovering from the last NPD that took me to the cleaners for 40% of my net income for 25 years and had ruined my credit) She is a rotten person who acts sweet on the surface, she is an actress with a mask on and she taught her son to act as well. He is an awful parasite that abuses everyone and when called out does the typical play for sympathy for himself while he TRAMPLES all over everyone and ruins everyone's lives so that he can maintain his free ride. And she enables him. They both need psychological help but won't take it because they don't have to, they have now secured a home they can now afford because of screwing me and my children out of our portion. Sick and selfish MFers they are. I am now too old to recover and so I will see you all from the street when I am holding a sign for a sandwich. And of course it will have been my fault for being nieve enough to believe in someone that asks you to believe they are being honest. And for having been vulnerable. Because you know victims are victims because they asked for it, right! Just ask any S/P/N, they will tell you how their victims asked for it.

Good Luck to all of you that are just learning about this. And I hope you are doing so while you have the youth to recover. Get Away as fast as you can and be careful of the phenomenon where you can become one yourselves. And more so be aware these folks are good at making it "look" like you are the unstable one. That's a big one on how they get away with it. Stay as gentle as a lamb but don't think you don't need to study to be as wise as the serpents. (just learn it to protect yourselves, please don't become one, and that means; don't deny "truth", if you mess up, own it and deal with truth and you will have a much happier/meaningful life. Deny "truth" and you will have issues.


ISTJ Personality Traits

Dominant: Introverted Sensing
Auxiliary: Extraverted Thinking
Tertiary: Introverted Feeling
Inferior: Extraverted Intuition

ISTJs are quiet and reserved individuals who are interested in security and peaceful living. They have a strongly-felt internal sense of duty, which lends them a serious air and the motivation to follow through on tasks. Organized and methodical in their approach, they can generally succeed at any task which they undertake.

ISTJs are very loyal, faithful, and dependable. They place great importance on honesty and integrity. They are "good citizens" who can be depended on to do the right thing for their families and communities. While they generally take things very seriously, they also usually have an offbeat sense of humor and can be a lot of fun - especially at family or work-related gatherings.

Sincerely

Nmagnet (narcissist magnet)

Pavlova: The verification is probably easier said than done. What I meant to say is that we should have our trusted friends "vet" new people. They obviously have less of an emotional investment and should be able to see the person more objectively. Of course, there are some S/P/N types who are so convincing that they would be able to fool our friends. But we should share everything that the new person says with close, trusted friends.

They love to tell you the most intimate details about themselves and swear you to secrecy. That is part of the game. It makes you feel special that you've been entrusted with such a deep, dark secret. On the other hand, you are being manipulated into withholding information from your confidants. I fell into this trap big time. Each time I let myself be lied to and kept it confidential, another set of lies would appear.

I hope today is a better day for you. The trend is positive even if you cried yesterday. You are seeing things for what they are.

Nmagnet: thank you for sharing your painful story. I hope that you are able to achieve independence from your abusers. Your courage in speaking out here is an inspiration.

Avram, you know the worst part? I kept him a secret from friends and family because I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out, because of his odd behaviour. I only told a handful of close friends who live abroad. He certainly didn't push to meet my friends, although he hinted he would want to meet my father. Anyway, here is the really unfortunate part. After the whole thing crumbled I told one of my friends about him and it turns out he knows of 2 other women he did the same thing to..Never again will I be so secretive. If I had told my friend about him, I could have got out much earlier. background check is now my middle name Avram. Hope you have a good day.

Avram: yours went to great lengths. And the thing is, they are so convincing. I saw your other post about being a rational and intelligent guy. Don't feel bad. It has happened to many of us here and we cant all be stupid. I am supposedly intelligent too but I fell for every lie.

Me, too. I kept it a total secret for the same reason. She was so mercurial. One day, she'd be the happiest person in the world and madly in love and the next she's say she hated "this life" and wished it would end. I told a close female friend and my P became extremely jealous saying that my friend had designs on me and would surely use this information to further them. I also told a male friend, whom the P contacted after I had broken things off with her. I only mentioned his name once. No detail was too small to slip by her.

I am not secretive by nature. This was another warning sign that I ignored. Going against my nature in so many ways was exhausting. My first emotion on ending things with her was relief. Obviously, other, more painful ones followed after that.

For background check sites, I used intelius.com and instantcheckmate.com. I had to pay a fee. It was worth it.

When I said "trust but verify," I really meant to trust yourself. But your true self, not the secretive, gullible one that the S/P/N makes us become.

I am not secretive either Avram. I didn't realize you did the walking away. It is good you had the courage to do that. I wished I had walked away. I think the person who leaves has power and control over the situation and that though it is not easy, it is easier than when the other party does the leaving. In my case, he left.

Those websites for the background checks. Is it for America only?

Thanks for the clarification regarding the "trust but verify".

Avram, I went to instantcheckmate and there seems to be a report there but a review of the site said that the monthly fee automatically renews which I don't want. Did you have any trouble with that?