Nutellina, I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. My ex N/P lied to me, emotionally abused me, betrayed me among many other things. I, too, was carrying his child. I tried to include him but it came to a point where I couldn't take his torture anymore and, therefore did something drastic and changed my phone number and my email addresses in an effort to save myself and my child.

You will continue to go through a lot of emotions. It will feel like a rollercoaster. I'm not sure if its possible for you but one of the best things I did for myself was take a week-long trip on my own to a faraway place. No phone, no internet, very few people...Just books and beaches. Reconnecting with myself in a safe environment was a turning point in my life. I learned that I could have fun again--even on my own.

I wish you strength as you begin to heal. Know that we are hear to listen and offer support. Him not calling is truly a blessing in disguise. Hearing from him will only make you more hurt and angry. Hugs!!!

I made the mistake of making contact after a year and it triggered a lot of bad feelings I acted out and now he knows where I live and I threatened him. I wanted to make him scared like he scared me for years. I am sorry i did that now because he is aware. I know what he is capable of rape violence etc. Dumb unsafe move on my part but I am big on getting even. He used to threaten me when I was going to court he raped me choked me threatened to kill me and he got away with it all. He has done it to other people too and gotten away with it. I have the usual bittersweet feelings that go with these type of relationships.

Trauma bond betrayal bond look it up its very interesting and explains why you feel both love and hate.

I did all kinds of revenge, trust me. Name it, sleep around, smash his name, get physically violent with him, threaten him, drank, used drugs, etc. When I got over that 'revenge seeking', dug myself out of depression and learned to live. I have found to just keep praying to karma, and believing he will have his karma has worked so much better than myself behaving out badly. And let me tell you this is the best karma I've ever dreamed of. He's living in a nasty dirty place, they don't have heat, from what I hear he is smoking crack, and he's living with african americans (in which he's secretly the most racist blaming anyone he can, person I've ever met in my life and has swastikas tattooed on his chest from one of his prison stints). Just keep in mind, I started dating him when I was 17, 15 years ago before you judge me lol I became a better person, got my BA, have a great job, take care of business while he's jumped around parasiting, living in hotel rooms and using/manipulating whatever woman would give him a chance.

There is no ignoring them, one you see he has called you and lets say you accidentally miss that call, he knows that you know, and he has infiltrated your brain and thought process. That is what my ex does anyway. I've just found it better to block him and hope he doesn't call you 'private' using someone else's phone. I swear that is how utterly pathetic their brain works. My exP is almost 33 (next month) and for the past few weeks he has been pranking me with just music. He has tried so hard to get me back for the past 2 years, but the past 4 months he has tried super hard and I just found out he has had a girlfriend he was living with for the past 3 months *shaking my damn head* Karma will get him again for all those lies LOL There is no way these creatures live that long of a life, I'm waiting for my exP to fall over hard in the next 10 years. Such a hard toxic unhealthy stressful lifestyle!

You need to grab up some books and read whenever you are in that 'revenge stage' try to understand this mental disorder more. I love love love Sandra Browne's book about loving psychopaths why loving hurts so much (you'd have to google the exact title). I grab so many books 2 years ago so it's like the past 2 years I have been able to call out his moves, what he was thinking, what he is really saying while he was talking. I know his next move too! I can laugh at him, dig apart his lies and shred him to pieces. He always would say I made him feel dumb. Because they really are imo it takes a dumb person to behave like they do. Their brains are damaged period. I would feel sorry for them if they weren't so evil and cruel. That's when my nonreligious butt feels religious and believes in God and the Devil. Seriously, I even read a Sylvia Browne book because of it and a Dark Souls book too (along with every other narcissistic/psychopath book imaginable)

PS my exP has literally been like 'I have no food I am going to starve to death' and I would reply, 'go walk to the food pantry' and it would be in the dead of a snow storm. Not only did I not believe him about being starving (I knew he had to have had at least a box of crackers) but he had probably drank a few cases of beer within his payday, it was not my fault he didn't have food and I refused to accept responsibility for him not having food while I feed his kids, I was not spending my gas money or money on food for him, and let me tell you I am a VERY VERY KIND person. I would hate to hear anyone starving, I feel bad for the pictures of kids in Africa starving. But him, I don't feel a thing. He has thrown that situation in my face so many times as if it is MY fault he didn't have anything to eat. I did feel bad one time and bought him some ramen noodles and tossed them out of the window at him (while he waited to talk to me becasue that is what it was really about) that was at the start of winter so I knew what time it was when winter kicked in hard.

jewels sounds like good ole karma just might be trying to knock at his door now lol

It really has been for his entire life now that I think about it. And of course everything is always MY fault LOL His entire family has cut him off, his divorced parents, his brother and finally his teenage sister who he called drunk a few weeks ago, begging for money and he obviously didn't remember (blacked out) or he's feeling bad about it because he blamed ME for it! Yeh like I sound like a drunk guy that could even fool his sister (whom I do not nor will ever have his phone number). He leaked it to me by accusing me of it and I asked his brother (whom they used to be very close now he despises him) and his bro told me what happened. So that was really his last 2 people that don't want a thing to do with him from his previous life (besides me). He has nobody else LOL it's sad yet he total deserves it (oh and I got him fired too so he says LOL

*I only report to child support I wouldn't ever get him fired - he gets himself fired from these jobs and blames me

yes, theres nothing you are doing to him or that is your fault. i love the way they turn everything around and proclaim its your fault. like they are so perfect nothing could possible be their fault. the bad part being we dont see this until we find out what they are and end up here in a place like this. but thats ok, better late than never. the good part? finally seeing the truth and walking away. i bet that makes them just pissed off when they find their control tactics dont work any more. the best revenge i think is gaining the self respect from the help of a place like this and weather you say the final good by or they do, i believe they know when they cant get to you anymore emotionally or other wise, then they really realize they lost. and that you won the game by not responding to their manipulating attempts to hurt you. going no contact will achieve this result even if you were devalued and discarded by them. if you take back your life and your sanity and dont put up with their crap anymore you become the winner. not them.

bella, This is so true. I remember that my long-ago p ex-husband used to act obviously guilty when he had been out screwing around. He had certain facial expressions and mannerisms that were a dead give-away. I would come to understand that he did this on purpose. A year or so after I had left him, I had him over for Thanksgiving dinner along with one of our daughters. He got there first and starting doing all that creepy stuff, sniffing his fingers and looking at me with a guilty face, etc. I totally ignored him, went on chatting about the turkey in the oven.

Another one of his tricks was to hook me into some losing dynamic and then run away, leaving me feeling like shit. One day he attempted this at my apt. I was not participating. Finally he got up and ran for my kitchen door. I followed him. As he headed out the door. I grabbed hold of it and slammed and locked that sucker! Damn that felt good!

I wish no one of us would had go through all that. We do not deserve those evils around us!