Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
Oh my God! I have suffered for almost 31 years, had no idea there was a name for this disease. My life has been ruined, all friends and family have been distanced, my reputation has been damaged beyond repair, and lately, my psychopathic son has not allowed me to be near his 2 year old son, my first grandchild. I have never held my grandchild in my arms, except at his birth. My whole family looks at me with suspicion, because these two people have completely presented my personality to everyone in a negative way. I think his wife thinks I have a mental problem therefore, she is also not answering my phone calls and allowing me visits. My parents and siblings see my very Charming and Handsome son only when he visits them overseas.
With his twisted lies and manipulation, he has completely damaged me in every way possible, physically, mentally, spiritually and hurt a mother's feelings to the limits. I am a victim, which nobody realizes. I alone am the witness to the behaviors of two very cunning, manipulative, emphathyless psychopaths, which has basically ruined my entire life. I just learned on March 14th as I was watching news about Donald Trump, in which they were calling him a "Psychopath", when I suddenly realized that "Oh My God, this is my son and his father, my ex". I am certain in my case, it is genetic, both father and son have victimized me for years. I have continuously been crying since March 14th. I just don't know what I am going to do, how to move forward.
My heart is beating so hard thinking, what if my son is hurting his child. If he has absolutely zero empathy for me, when I cry, he laughs, the more I cry and ask him to change his behavior, the more he calls me names and talks about me to people. I am his target. Not sure why I am his main target. But maybe he has many other targets, such as his friends and co-workers. He keeps me sheltered, and away from everyone. If I dared to call his wife or friends, he shows me his anger which is frightening.
I gave birth to a psychopath. I carried the seed of a psychopath. Both father and son have ruined my life. Because I suffered with my son for 20 years (he started showing this behavior at age 15, today he is 35), my pain today is so huge, so very huge towards him that my motherly feelings is not as strong as it used to me. However, the motherly feelings are still very much there, so I am not sure how I will get out of this ever. I think I am ruined until the end of my life. How am I going to tell his wife, who is pregnant at the moment with their second child? But I will have to tell her. Otherwise, she will be so broken like me. How can I know that he is not hurting his own child, maybe he is pinching his child, who knows. My psycho son loves animals, I see him constantly kissing them. He used to love animals as a child, can't hurt an ant, although today I am not sure, after how he has hurt me. What am I going to do. I feel like I am in a daze. My 85 year old mother who lives in New Zealand has been hearing me tell her, there is something wrong with my son. We thought someone had done black magic to him. Now I know what is wrong with him, Oh My God. What am I going to do? Oh Dear Lord!
With his twisted lies and manipulation, he has completely damaged me in every way possible, physically, mentally, spiritually and hurt a mother's feelings to the limits. I am a victim, which nobody realizes. I alone am the witness to the behaviors of two very cunning, manipulative, emphathyless psychopaths, which has basically ruined my entire life. I just learned on March 14th as I was watching news about Donald Trump, in which they were calling him a "Psychopath", when I suddenly realized that "Oh My God, this is my son and his father, my ex". I am certain in my case, it is genetic, both father and son have victimized me for years. I have continuously been crying since March 14th. I just don't know what I am going to do, how to move forward.
My heart is beating so hard thinking, what if my son is hurting his child. If he has absolutely zero empathy for me, when I cry, he laughs, the more I cry and ask him to change his behavior, the more he calls me names and talks about me to people. I am his target. Not sure why I am his main target. But maybe he has many other targets, such as his friends and co-workers. He keeps me sheltered, and away from everyone. If I dared to call his wife or friends, he shows me his anger which is frightening.
I gave birth to a psychopath. I carried the seed of a psychopath. Both father and son have ruined my life. Because I suffered with my son for 20 years (he started showing this behavior at age 15, today he is 35), my pain today is so huge, so very huge towards him that my motherly feelings is not as strong as it used to me. However, the motherly feelings are still very much there, so I am not sure how I will get out of this ever. I think I am ruined until the end of my life. How am I going to tell his wife, who is pregnant at the moment with their second child? But I will have to tell her. Otherwise, she will be so broken like me. How can I know that he is not hurting his own child, maybe he is pinching his child, who knows. My psycho son loves animals, I see him constantly kissing them. He used to love animals as a child, can't hurt an ant, although today I am not sure, after how he has hurt me. What am I going to do. I feel like I am in a daze. My 85 year old mother who lives in New Zealand has been hearing me tell her, there is something wrong with my son. We thought someone had done black magic to him. Now I know what is wrong with him, Oh My God. What am I going to do? Oh Dear Lord!
Sorry I haven't written in a few days. I'm still here and still new to this whole concept of sociopathy etc. I very much want to talk with you and others as I'm just beginning the journey....like you in that way....although you've been estranged from you son for a while now....you recently came upon the reason why. I'm in that same boat just beginning to learn about all of this, only difference is that my estrangement from my daughter is recent.
I am also considering writing a book, but not sure I want to relive the pain to that extent. However, I often think that it could be a good healing process and maybe help others in the same situation. Still have to ponder that. I'm also in the throes of getting my home up for sale in the next couple of months. It's just a small 2 bedroom place, but with my girl gone now, I'm going to sell, pay off some debt and go rent a one-bedroom apartment for now until I figure out the next step in my life and what my new "normal" is going to be.
You bring up so much food for thought and I want to respond to all of it. I work full time so my week is sort of like a whirlwind from 8 am Monday until 2 pm Friday when it ends for the weekend. Will write you more over the weekend in response to your last note.
In the meantime, my thoughts are with you in your travels. I hope all goes well with your mom. I don't understand either how you son could just turn off his feelings like that for his grandmother. I just don't understand how their minds are so wired that way. I'm sure that adds to the pain of what you are now experiencing with regards to your mom being sick. But like the rest of it, you will prevail and remain strong. You've gotten this far and you will be able to hold it together for your mom's sake. Please know that you are in my thoughts and I will talk with you soon.
Hugs,
Marie
Finally having a chance to respond to your last post. Hope all is well with yourself and your mom.
To address some of the things you mentioned.....As far as their emotions, I'm not really sure what happened to them. While I am able to recognize when my daughter is faking an emotion, I also witnessed emotions in her that I think were/are genuine. The problems is discerning when it's real and when it's a mask. I watched some of Susan Brown on Youtube and she mentions in one of her videos that there there is actually a portion of the brain (I forget the name of it) in sociopaths where there is some type of mis-wiring that precludes them from feelings of remorse etc, and I guess that is why they can continue to hurt people and make poor choices and never feel badly about it.
When I get angry about my daughter's lies and false accusations leveled against me, I try to remind myself that maybe she can't help it, if this whole brain function thing is true. I still haven't fully wrapped around that, because the experts say that the sociopath knows right from wrong but just doesn't care about it. Can't a person just choose not to do immoral things simply because they can intellectualize that it's the wrong thing to do and that it's going to hurt someone? Do they really need to experience remorse to simply *know* that something is wrong and they shouldn't do it? I don't know. But mostly I feel pity for my daughter, because I guess she "can't help it".
I do question if I was right in my decision to tell her not to contact me anymore the day she left. Like you mentioned, would we cut our children off if they had some other disease that was out of his/her control? But the problem with this issue is that her disorder causes her to victimize me (and others). I feel like if I have contact with her (ie..."hey let's go have lunch") I would be condoning her behaviors. I feel that those actions would be a sign of my approval in between the lines. This is a person who blames me for an abortion she chose to have, blames me for all of her problems, tells lies about me, says I'm an abusive parent, while she stole from me and lied to and ABOUT me for years. What message would I send her if I was willing to be a part of her life on some level after she flings accusations of abuse at me? She knows it isnt true but she said that in front of her boyfriend to garner his support and pity. I feel that I need to show her (by my action of cutting her off) that her lies and smear campaigns are unacceptable to me. She has to know that I (and others) will and DO have boundaries that should not be crossed. She has crossed those lines many times and I have to show her that it's no longer forgiveable. You can't do that to me and expect me to be in your life. Mind you, I doubt she wants any part of me anyway, but even if she did, I know she would just further victimize me. That's the saddest part of all of this. I have constant inner conflict....Do I pity her and offer unconditional love and let her use me and trash me because she has a true disorder? Or do I keep her at a distance and teach her that this non-sense is ruining her relationships? I think that if there is to be any chance of hope for recovery, the person has to hit rock bottom and realize first that they are destroying lives and ultimately hurting themselves in the long run.
Although all the experts say there is almost zero hope of recovery, I still hold out hope that since my daughter seems to be on the lower end of the spectrum, she may eventually begin to outgrow these behaviors and start wanting to live a clean and authentic life. But I don't think she will ever get to that point without me allowing her to experience the consequences of her actions. The first one being the loss of her mother. Like you, Rose, I am in pain every day. I know I come off like I'm calm and collected, but I cry and cry and grieve for her on a daily basis.
In your case, you do have the grandchildren involved. Not sure what I would do in that case. I'm sure that must pain you in every waking moment of your life to be intentionally excluded from their lives. Have you exhausted all possibilities? I doubt you can get any courts to force your son to get help, but you may have grandparent rights in your state. I would look into that if you have the funds to consult with an attorney. First though....maybe you could approach his wife and see if that works? If you decide to do that, I would make it all about you wanting a relationship with your grandchildren, and not at all about painting the true picture of who your son is. Maybe that approach will appeal to her empathy and get you back in the door somehow. Maybe she can talk some sense to him. It might be worth a try. You really have nothing to lose, but you have to be prepared for the possibility that it won't work. Then I would definitely talk to an attorney about getting some rights to see your grandchildren.
Please keep me (us) posted.
Hugs,
Marie xo