Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
Hi all,
I have met a guy on an online dating site. He has seemed FAIRLY normal but there is one big red flag waving in my face that concerns me (actually 2 but the 2nd one is small) and I am not sure whether he is potentially a psychopath or if he is genuine. I met him about a month ago online. We have emailed back and forth and seem to have a lot of the same interests (however I am also very aware of mirroring, but he appears to have some of his own ideas and opinions and doesn't just say ME TOO!) We have exchanged phone numbers but have not talked on the phone yet or met in person. He asks a lot of questions.
He has never been married and has no kids. He has expressed that he wants to be married and have kids, but he says most women he meets at his age (he is 40).
Here is the red flag for me. He talks about wanting kids a LOT. He asked me when I think I would be ready to have kids as I seem very busy. I told him I want kids but will only have children with the right person and I have to get to know someone and be sure about them first because I don't want to bring kids into a bad relationship or a relationship that doesn't work out. Once we started texting he asked me "If we like each other are you willing to have a baby by the end of next year or something like that?" I told him if I was to have a baby by the end of next year I would need to be pregnant by March or April! He said that is ok with him. I'm thinking...um...no! I need more time to get to know you! I told him it takes longer than 6 months to get to know someone and decide if we are right for each other. I said IF he was the right person I MIGHT be open to the possibility of having children after a year of getting to know each other and would also want to be married and have some time together after marriage before having children, not just popping out babies right away. He said that works for him. I told him time is an important factor in making those types of decisions. He said if we hit it off he can wait until we feel ready together.
After that we changed the subject and went back to talking about other things. We both like to travel. He has told me a bit about places he has traveled and places he wants to travel to. We've talked about animals and pets. He seems to like them as much as I do but says he doesn't have any pets because he lives in a building that doesn't allow them. He says he wants to buy a place this year and wants to get a dog (I have cats). Have talked a bit about our families and where they live, how many siblings, nieces/nephews etc.
Yesterday he started telling me he wanted to get a puppy for his mom because both her dogs passed away last week. So we talked about puppies. He seems to forget things I tell him sometimes (which my ex did with me as well so I'm a bit on alert about that too because it's almost like they're not exactly paying attention. Like I told him I'm going to Thailand for a month in Feb and won't have any vacation time after that for the rest of the year but I think he has asked me twice now about taking other trips this coming year. He also asked what pets I have and I told him I have 2 cats and I have told him all about my cats. Then tonight he asks if I have a dog as well and I told him no, just 2 cats. I told him on Sunday that I was getting my cat fixed the following day. He asked me Sunday night if I got her fixed yet. I said no, and reminded him it was Monday that I was taking her. Small details, and I understand people might forget details like that especially if they are talking to multiple people, which most online daters are, and some people just don't have a mind for details. I tend to remember details about most people I meet regardless of how many I'm talking to. Maybe that's just me but I am alert about it just because my ex always forgot details. That's not one of the red flags, just a small alert on my part at this time.
Last night he said he wants to get a dog in the spring. He told me what kind of dog he was thinking of then asked me what kind of dog I would like. I told him I like all dogs but if I were to own one I like dogs that are quiet and not yappy. He then mentioned he wants a dog who is good with kids too because he wants kids soon. He told me one of his friends just had a new baby and that made him want one even more. And then said another of his friends just got engaged last weekend. Then he started saying how great it would be to have kids (did not specify with me this time) and take family vacations together. I agreed that would be nice and told him my brother always travels with his wife and kids even when his kids were babies. He then said "You never wanted kids before?" which I found weird because early on I told him I wanted kids and we have discussed it a few times already (again the forgetfulness or not paying attention to details?) I again told him I only want kids with the right person. He said "Well hopefully I'm the right guy for you then". We then talked about my upcoming trip again and he talked about wanting to travel this winter as well. We both said we have trouble finding friends to travel with. He commented that maybe my next trip can be with my boyfriend. He said it was nice that I like the same things as him. Then he said "If you give us 2 kids I'll let you pick out the dog as well". I just laughed.
We texted again tonight, just about what we did today, what we made for dinner, blah blah blah. Then back to the marriage thing. He asked "If you were to get married where would you want to get married?" I told him Belize b/c I have been there before and love it. Then he asked "next winter?" which I ignored. Then he asked if I had been on a cruise before and I said no. He said he thought it would be cool to take a cruise from Tahiti to Hawaii, getting married in Tahiti and taking the cruise for the honeymoon. Then he asked when I would want to get married. I told him I don't know. He then said "I mean what season or time of year". I told him I hadn't thought much about it. He said "I think next fall or winter would be nice". Then he asked "Would you want family or friends to be there?" At this point I thought the marriage questions were getting exhausting, plus I was ready to lay down for a nap before work. So I didn't respond. I just went for my nap.
I am torn at this point between wondering if he's just really excited and eager to get married and have a family, or whether he is possibly another socio/psychopath.
The 2nd small red flag for me is that he asked when my birthday is. I told him Dec 18 and he replied his is Dec 15th. He said he just noticed that I was also a Sagittarius, like him (which shows on the dating site) which prompted him to ask. I said I hadn't noticed that (which surprised me a little because I pay attention to details). But when I went and looked at his profile again I realized the reason I hadn't noticed that is because he's listed as a Capricorn (which is late December-January). I am wondering now, could this have been a mistake on the site in which he accidentally selected the wrong month on the drop down menu when he register, or could he be lying? I haven't mentioned it to him.
We have not yet discussed previous relationships or anything like that yet. He doesn't bombard me with text messages like my ex did. Although thinking back I'm trying to recall exactly at what point the bombarding with text messages actually started...because I'm thinking initially he didn't bombard me right away either.
What I am wondering is...how can I test this a little more? Can any of you think of questions I could ask that might test him? Things I could file away in memory maybe to see if they still match up later...or anything else that might raise red flags?
I realize we have emailed and texted back and forth quite a bit before he started in on the marriage and kids questions and comments, but I am very much still on high alert, especially since we have not even met yet and he's asking me these things as if we are already dating.
Sorry this is so long! Just need some advice here and wanted to be clear on exactly what things I am seeing that are alerting me.
I have met a guy on an online dating site. He has seemed FAIRLY normal but there is one big red flag waving in my face that concerns me (actually 2 but the 2nd one is small) and I am not sure whether he is potentially a psychopath or if he is genuine. I met him about a month ago online. We have emailed back and forth and seem to have a lot of the same interests (however I am also very aware of mirroring, but he appears to have some of his own ideas and opinions and doesn't just say ME TOO!) We have exchanged phone numbers but have not talked on the phone yet or met in person. He asks a lot of questions.
He has never been married and has no kids. He has expressed that he wants to be married and have kids, but he says most women he meets at his age (he is 40).
Here is the red flag for me. He talks about wanting kids a LOT. He asked me when I think I would be ready to have kids as I seem very busy. I told him I want kids but will only have children with the right person and I have to get to know someone and be sure about them first because I don't want to bring kids into a bad relationship or a relationship that doesn't work out. Once we started texting he asked me "If we like each other are you willing to have a baby by the end of next year or something like that?" I told him if I was to have a baby by the end of next year I would need to be pregnant by March or April! He said that is ok with him. I'm thinking...um...no! I need more time to get to know you! I told him it takes longer than 6 months to get to know someone and decide if we are right for each other. I said IF he was the right person I MIGHT be open to the possibility of having children after a year of getting to know each other and would also want to be married and have some time together after marriage before having children, not just popping out babies right away. He said that works for him. I told him time is an important factor in making those types of decisions. He said if we hit it off he can wait until we feel ready together.
After that we changed the subject and went back to talking about other things. We both like to travel. He has told me a bit about places he has traveled and places he wants to travel to. We've talked about animals and pets. He seems to like them as much as I do but says he doesn't have any pets because he lives in a building that doesn't allow them. He says he wants to buy a place this year and wants to get a dog (I have cats). Have talked a bit about our families and where they live, how many siblings, nieces/nephews etc.
Yesterday he started telling me he wanted to get a puppy for his mom because both her dogs passed away last week. So we talked about puppies. He seems to forget things I tell him sometimes (which my ex did with me as well so I'm a bit on alert about that too because it's almost like they're not exactly paying attention. Like I told him I'm going to Thailand for a month in Feb and won't have any vacation time after that for the rest of the year but I think he has asked me twice now about taking other trips this coming year. He also asked what pets I have and I told him I have 2 cats and I have told him all about my cats. Then tonight he asks if I have a dog as well and I told him no, just 2 cats. I told him on Sunday that I was getting my cat fixed the following day. He asked me Sunday night if I got her fixed yet. I said no, and reminded him it was Monday that I was taking her. Small details, and I understand people might forget details like that especially if they are talking to multiple people, which most online daters are, and some people just don't have a mind for details. I tend to remember details about most people I meet regardless of how many I'm talking to. Maybe that's just me but I am alert about it just because my ex always forgot details. That's not one of the red flags, just a small alert on my part at this time.
Last night he said he wants to get a dog in the spring. He told me what kind of dog he was thinking of then asked me what kind of dog I would like. I told him I like all dogs but if I were to own one I like dogs that are quiet and not yappy. He then mentioned he wants a dog who is good with kids too because he wants kids soon. He told me one of his friends just had a new baby and that made him want one even more. And then said another of his friends just got engaged last weekend. Then he started saying how great it would be to have kids (did not specify with me this time) and take family vacations together. I agreed that would be nice and told him my brother always travels with his wife and kids even when his kids were babies. He then said "You never wanted kids before?" which I found weird because early on I told him I wanted kids and we have discussed it a few times already (again the forgetfulness or not paying attention to details?) I again told him I only want kids with the right person. He said "Well hopefully I'm the right guy for you then". We then talked about my upcoming trip again and he talked about wanting to travel this winter as well. We both said we have trouble finding friends to travel with. He commented that maybe my next trip can be with my boyfriend. He said it was nice that I like the same things as him. Then he said "If you give us 2 kids I'll let you pick out the dog as well". I just laughed.
We texted again tonight, just about what we did today, what we made for dinner, blah blah blah. Then back to the marriage thing. He asked "If you were to get married where would you want to get married?" I told him Belize b/c I have been there before and love it. Then he asked "next winter?" which I ignored. Then he asked if I had been on a cruise before and I said no. He said he thought it would be cool to take a cruise from Tahiti to Hawaii, getting married in Tahiti and taking the cruise for the honeymoon. Then he asked when I would want to get married. I told him I don't know. He then said "I mean what season or time of year". I told him I hadn't thought much about it. He said "I think next fall or winter would be nice". Then he asked "Would you want family or friends to be there?" At this point I thought the marriage questions were getting exhausting, plus I was ready to lay down for a nap before work. So I didn't respond. I just went for my nap.
I am torn at this point between wondering if he's just really excited and eager to get married and have a family, or whether he is possibly another socio/psychopath.
The 2nd small red flag for me is that he asked when my birthday is. I told him Dec 18 and he replied his is Dec 15th. He said he just noticed that I was also a Sagittarius, like him (which shows on the dating site) which prompted him to ask. I said I hadn't noticed that (which surprised me a little because I pay attention to details). But when I went and looked at his profile again I realized the reason I hadn't noticed that is because he's listed as a Capricorn (which is late December-January). I am wondering now, could this have been a mistake on the site in which he accidentally selected the wrong month on the drop down menu when he register, or could he be lying? I haven't mentioned it to him.
We have not yet discussed previous relationships or anything like that yet. He doesn't bombard me with text messages like my ex did. Although thinking back I'm trying to recall exactly at what point the bombarding with text messages actually started...because I'm thinking initially he didn't bombard me right away either.
What I am wondering is...how can I test this a little more? Can any of you think of questions I could ask that might test him? Things I could file away in memory maybe to see if they still match up later...or anything else that might raise red flags?
I realize we have emailed and texted back and forth quite a bit before he started in on the marriage and kids questions and comments, but I am very much still on high alert, especially since we have not even met yet and he's asking me these things as if we are already dating.
Sorry this is so long! Just need some advice here and wanted to be clear on exactly what things I am seeing that are alerting me.
His ego was out of this world.
His new online dating profile states how handsome his is and how "you" will not be able to stop staring at his manly hands and his very blue eyes. Oh..........and he's "looking for his princess".
White supremecist...wow that must have been a joy *insert sarcasm here*
I'm very turned off by the guys who claim in their profiles to be wonderful and just looking for their princess or "queen"...ugh gimme a break! Same with guys that specify "looking for a sweet girl with a cute butt" type references. If they are looking for specifics in appearance and have to say it like that chances are they just wanna get laid. We all know what we are attracted to and that there are specific physical characteristics that we are attracted to, but we don't need to say it out loud. So I avoid them too. I do a lot of avoiding lol
My ex is not latino. He would deny it, but like jenkat's ex, mine had some thinly veiled racist attiitudes.
I am currently being pursued by a latino man whose messages seemed to me to contain red flags. He wrote last night, asking me to explain why I left the conversation, and terlling me this has hurt him alot. I am having second thoughts. I know I have strong responses now to possible red flags. It's hard for us who have been with socios to know if we are over-reacting. That actually tends to paralyze our natural instincts.
It sounds like your guy is pressing you because he needs to be married. There are several reasons why this could be taking place. The first one that comes to mind is to remain in the US.
I was contacted by woman in NJ who had read my book on rape by fraud and wanted to know if she had a criminal case against the offender. He had also been an e-dating find, claimed that he had no kids, and pressed her about having children and getting married. They were actually engaged and she was pregnant when she found out that he had 13 children by 8 different women. He was also a convicted pedophile and bigamist. His name is William Allen Jordan. He had told her his name was Liam Allen.
This case has ignited the interest in a NJ Assemblyman to create a law against rape by fraud in NJ. I recently submitted language for it, and was told that it will be included in the legislation they submit to the NJ Assembly.
If anyone wants to know the status of rape by fraud law in their particular state, they can find the information on my blog at RapeByFraud.com. I'm updating it on Mondays and Thursdays 'til I cover all the states.
Your guy probably finds it difficult to remember your facts because you're one of several women, and possibly men, he is stringing along.
His rush to discuss marriage and children is excessive. The man you want to marry is the man who loves you, not the man who has a plan that you may fit into. At the very least, you would not be anything more than an object that fits into his scheme. You need to ditch this guy.
What ShortJoy wrote above is something that also crossed my mind but didn't mention because you didn't say whether this guy resides in the U.S. legally or not. The psychopath I married for example wanted to have a child with the man she left me for because I suspect that she knew that being the mother of an American-born child would have made it easier for her to get a permanent green card once her 2-year conditional green card expired. Judging from the urgency that this guy has in becoming a father to an American-born child, this could well be the reason behind his insistence in starting a family with you. I read that the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (U.S.C.I.S.) is far more forgiving with illegal immigrants in such cases. Could you confirm that ShortJoy?
But whatever the man's motive, it certainly sounds like he's trying to fit Eternity into his plan, when he doesn't even know her. It certainly does not bode well for a significantly heartfelt connection!
Joyce
This other guy...well our conversations haven't been only about marriage and kids. e've talked about a lot of other things. But I still feel like he has an agenda and I'm not interested in just being someone's agenda filler :
We were just on our way out to dinner and he said something about us being grandparents together.
When I gulped and went white he just said - well its good to know how you feel about the future from the start!
His dating 'policy' is that he giver 100% for 6 weeks then if theres no feeling or progression then he drops out of that one and moves on to the next. I said to him - you must mean 6 months? He said no, weeks, why waste time?
chilling.
and as for the original post.
DONT GO THERE!
So many many red flags for me.
AVOID DATING SITES! - if you want to meet someone go join a gym/college or whatever else hobbies you have. Meet up groups are a good way to socialise. But stop looking, have a good life for YOU and someone will find you.
Sunnyjax I understand what you're saying about meeting guys elsewhere and focusing on myself. I have been doing that. I enjoy my alone time when I'm alone and I'm not feeling "desperate" to meet someone although I ultimately want to. I think I am becoming more discriminating and more wary of what to watch out for. I have been going to meetups and have really been enjoying them but haven't really met anyone through them yet that is interested in dating and that I am interested in dating. They kind of seem to be "socialise for the time being" and then forget people you meet when you're not in the meetup type things lol I don't know. But either way I am enjoying them and I am getting out to try new and interesting things. The effort is there and I don't spend all my time wishing I was with a guy. But I DO want to meet someone and have it be someone decent as well :)
Any guy who doesn't pick the phone up and want a proper chat with you is red alert to me. My ex rarely rang me when we dated, he messaged and tested. It's lazy and doesn't show genuine interest.
Maybe meet with this man but take it slow, watch if he gets bored if he isn't getting his way. If he genuinely likes you he will take it at your pace x