Hi, I'm a sufferer. I'm 29 years old, and I have struggled with this over 20
years. It's extremely difficult to live with, and I'm
sure your daughter has many negative feelings because she does it. My parents always asked me to
Stop and asked me why. I never had an answer for them. I will say that I had a difficult
Childhood because my father was an alcoholic. I don't know
If that was the reason, but it didn't help matters! I do think that I also do it when I feel stressed or anxious because it's me
Having control. My counselor when I was younger helped me to recognize that I do it: HALTS (hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and stressed). I also
Had low confidence and self-worth when I was younger. But
Now I am extremely successful and happily married. I still struggle, and it took me
Until the past year to really face this. I would suggest some
Reading materials. I'm not an expert, but I think if I had read about it and then my parents read about it, that I could talk
About it with them. There are tips out there that help
Me. I
Have stopped looking in the mirror for
Long periods of
Time
And yoga
Has helped me. This book: How to
Stop Pulling Out Your Hair has been
Helpful to me. There is an additional portion that is for family members to read to help you as parents understand it a
Little more. I still struggle but am a
Whole lot better. Just show affection for your daughter and remain strong. Just tell
Her you
Love her for the way she is. We need to hear that, regardless that we struggle. Sorry for the poor
Format and grammatical
Errors. This
Is difficult to do
On my phone!

Hi, can't thank you enough for your reply and detailed information, not to mention, your wonderful advice. It really means a lot, coming from a sufferer, to be able to open yourself and be honest with your situation.
Our psychologist has told us our daughter is suffering with very low self esteem and stress from school on the way they handle punishments, and this has triggered her pulling.
Our daughter did initially tell us it was due to worrying about school, even though her reports are always way above average. I guess it's very hard, even for her, to be able to pinpoint the exact reason, if any.
We're working very hard as parents with the advice and tools he's given us, to raise her self-confidence with rewards and plenty of praise. And I have to report that fortunately we seem to be slowly getting there. She went 3 whole days without any pulling which was excellent, and she was so proud of herself.
We've never considered handling it in any other manner other than the way we deal with it now, very delicately and tactful. Our aim is to boost her self-esteem, praising her when she doesn't pull, not bring her down with punishments when she does. We encourage her to be strong to try and resist the urge to pull, even when she can't help herself.
It was only last night, having a chat with my husband, that I realised and accepted that this is going to take longer than I thought, and I'm ok with it.
Our daughter is ok, she's happy and that's the main thing. It helped her a lot to admit her problem and more so the way in which we're dealing with it.
Yes, she is sometimes conscious of her missing brow when we go out, and drops her head down so no one can see, but we seemed to have turned a corner with that, within this last week. She's come to accept her condition and is taking it all in her stride. I guess at 10 years old it's easier to get distracted.
One day at a time, slowly but surely.
Thanks for the advice on the book. I've already had a quick scan on Amazon, and will be looking into it more thoroughly with my husband.
And again, my heartfelt thanks for your honesty and invaluable advice.
Wishing you all the best :)

Hello! I have had trichotillomania since I was about 10 years old as well. It first started with eyelashes, then moved onto eyebrows. I thought I would share my perspective.

1) Many parents, including mine, worried that my hair pulling was the result of some sort of traumatic experience I had as a child. The previous poster mentioned a difficult childhood, but for me, I didn't have any traumatic experiences. From what I feel, and from what I have read, my personal opinion (though I'm not a psychologist), is that there is a genetic basis for this disorder, and that trauma can make it more likely for the gene to become expressed, though it may happen without the trauma.

2) The hair pulling is not necessarily always "caused" by stress or low self-esteem, in my opinion. I often pull when I'm bored, or doing idle activities like reading or talking on the phone. Stress definitely makes my pulling worse, but I also pull when I'm happy and not stressed.

3) Therapy! I didn't tell my parents about my hair pulling until college, they always thought I lost my eyelashes due to allergies and my eyebrows because I just over tweezed like many girls do. I have tried many things to overcome my pulling, but to be honest, most things do not work. There has only been one thing to show any promise, and had I started it when I was younger, maybe my pulling wouldn't have devolved into the problem it eventually became. That one thing is EXPOSURE THERAPY.

Unfortunately, I started seeking therapy after many years of already pulling, and most therapists are not trained to help with trichotillomania or related disorder. The first therapist I saw had never even heard of it. I saw a couple others that weren't specialized in OCD, and it also didn't help. Based on my personal experience in therapy, as well as based on reading a lot about the subject, my opinion is that exposure therapy is the best treatment for hair pulling. Medications are hugely unsuccessful with this particular disorder. Cognitive behavioral therapy with a focus on exposure therapy is the best bet, and the earlier you start the better. Make sure your psychologist has experience with hair pulling specifically.

I live near near one of the country's leading experts in hair pulling, and he has been researching two natural supplements (and has seen very positive results). One is N-acetylcysteine, and the other is Inositol. They can be bought at a vitamin shop. I haven't seen any improvement yet, but to be honest I'm notoriously terrible at taking them regularly. They might be worth looking into.

Which brings me to my next point,

4) I'm 30 years old, and I'm ridiculously stubborn and also incredibly busy with work. It's very hard for me to get into a routine at this point. It takes me a month just to schedule a dentist appointment. While your daughter is young, the best thing you can do is kindly make sure she is doing what she needs to. Make sure she goes to the doctor regularly, or make sure she takes her medicine/vitamin/or whatever she is given. If she gets into a routine now, maybe she will be successful in beating this thing.

5) However, there is such a thing as being "too" attentive. It's a fine line, but it can be incredibly stressful to feel like someone is always looking at you to see if "you've been bad." This is something I struggled with a lot with my parents. I can always tell when my mom is staring at my eyebrows to see if they have gotten worse. It makes me feel incredibly guilty and self conscious, which only makes the pulling worse.

6) I understand how concerned you must feel, I really do. I share this from the perspective of the child as opposed to the parent. My parents really wanted to help, and so they would often bring up hair pulling in conversations with me, either to simply ask how I was doing, or to bring up a suggestion. This usually did more harm than good as it reminded me about my hairs, which then made me want to feel them/look at them/start pulling them. So I would suggest to avoid bringing it up if you don't have to.

If you suspect your daughter is pulling or know that she is pulling, the best thing is to distract her instead of telling her to stop. When someone tells me to stop pulling, it honestly makes me want to pull more. It makes me feel more desperate. But if I'm pulling, and for example, someone asks me for help with the dishes, I'm not going to want them to know I was pulling, so I will go help them (and maybe feel a little frustrated at first because I want to keep pulling), but hopefully after doing the dishes, the urge to pull has passed. Keeping busy is a good thing!

There were also many times when my parents, out of concern, made me feel worse. Your daughter is young, and so she has a great advantage in beating this thing, but many people will struggle their whole lives with this. And it can be very painful to hear or see your parents react like you have done a horrible thing to yourself. I remember one time, I had just washed my face after a shower, so I didn't have my usual eyebrow pencil and fake lashes on. My dad accidentally saw me, he looked at me in horror and screamed “What have you done!" I know he was just surprised, and I know he was just upset to see the results of my disorder. But I will never forget his face, and I will never forget how it felt to have someone look at you and react like they saw a monster. My mom used to always say I was "mutilating" myself. That also made me feel terrible.

7) If you are trying to understand "why" she pulls her hair, all I can say is, I have never been able to successfully explain to anyone why I pull my hair. It's just something you only understand if you have it. It might save you a lot of frustration now if you accept that you won't get it, when I try to explain it out loud, even I know that it makes zero sense. It's just an incredibly hard urge to fight, like trying to avoid scratching a really itchy bug bite.

I hope some of this has helped. This was all from my perspective, it's possible your daughter would disagree with absolutely everything I said. I wish you all the best of luck!

Hello Mozisa. I am new to this forum. I have never joined anything like this before but I accidentally landed on your post while googling trich. You see...I have a 9 year old daughter that I am so upset for. Like you, we started noticing gaps in her eyelashes. We highlighted our observation with her and warned her to stop. It didn't. It got worse. She was left with one bald eyelid. We then decided it was time to get practical so we offered her props as means of distraction. Like a squeeze ball. Stringy caterpillar. We thought it was working until a few days later we noticed gaps in her other eyelashes. I must admit I got very angry. When I calmed I tried to discuss it with her. But she says she doesn't know why she does it but that it's always at night time , in bed or in front of mirror. She promised her dad and I that she was finished with it and it was never to be repeated. We trusted her and I actually commented on how they were growing. Until 4 days ago. While brushing her hair I noticed a very obvious bald patch and then another. So much so that she needs a comb over to hide it. I fell to my knees and broke down. Both my daughter and I need help with this. I'm heartbroken for her.

Hello,

I started pulling my hair out when I was about your daughter's age. I didn't start with the eyelashes though- straight for the scalp. I haven't pulled in well over a year now, but the memories are still fresh.

It's hard to explain why we pull- it's an uncontrollable urge that seems to come from nowhere. Many of us who suffer with trich can't even tell you what started it. I've no traumatic childhood- I had a pretty good childhood. I did get moved to a new school a year before- but, a year? It never made sense to me. Not even I understand it.

Know that your daughter will likely have a rough time in school if this continues. The best thing you can do is be supportive in any way you can. Don't try to force her to stop or get angry at her for pulling- that'll only hurt her self-esteem more. She will know when she's ready to fight this. In the earlier years of my experience with it, my parents tried a lot of things to get me to stop- and a lot of it just made me feel more like a freak. I understand they were trying to help in their own way cause they were concerned- but it didn't. And I'm glad they finally took a step back and decided to support me in the best way possible: By being there for me on the bad days.

Try to find activities she can do in her free time to distract herself from pulling. Something she enjoys. For me, it was art, writing, and band. It was a great source of support and a lot of fun! If she takes an interest in playing an instrument in the future, it may be painful for your ears- but encourage it! I found a huge amount of support from my local community band- and the school bands. It's easier to make friends who won't care about the hair problem in groups like this. Sports, music, etc. It's healthy- especially since she may not want to get out much in fear of stares and bullying. Just find things she can do that occupy both hands that she can have fun with! I found arts and crafts to be particularly helpful in stopping since doing something creative felt so much better than the destructive act of hair pulling.

One day- hopefully sooner than later, your daughter may find the strength to fight this. It won't be as easy as 'Okay, I'm done now'- but when she does, be there for her and help her fight the habit. It took me a decade before I got that point. It may take her longer- or not. She won't be able to stop until she's ready to take that first step and begin the fight. Until then, you can help with distractions- as other people have already said- and just by being her best friend. It may be a lonely time for her as kids can be terrible to one another for the dumbest reasons.

I wish you the best!

I'd like to start with Reachingout
I feel ever so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Like you say, it is heartbreaking for both of you and your daughter, and as parents, one feels so hopeless at times.
Going through it ourselves, my advice is very limited, but the best thing I can say is to read as much as you can about it and most importantly, read what sufferers themselves have to say. My husband and I have found this most helpful, getting personal advice from them, not only as sufferers, but from a parent and child perspective. This has enabled us to understand this condition better and tackle it with first-hand advice.
Read all of the comments above, aswell as my following reply, and I sincerely hope it helps.
Wishing you and your daughter lots of strength and the very best of luck xx

K1986 & LilyBubble
I am so very grateful for your detailed advice and for opening up with your own experiences as sufferers. This has been and is invaluable by giving us an insight into this condition.
K1986, your situation as a child mirrors my daughter to a T. Like yourself, she tends to pull when she is the most relaxed : reading, watching tv, lying in bed, and even when she is happy.
My husband and I have stopped asking ourselves 'why' as this was only stressing us, and from your comments, we have had to accept there is no reason behind it.
We have tried fidget toys, from tangle to wire mandalas, to stress balls, the lot! Nothing works, it has made no difference. When she gets the urge to pull, nothing will stop her.
Even though seeing her therapist is making her feel good, and he is trying his best to help, he is not target specific, therefore he has very little knowledge of this disorder.
I find I know more about it than him!
He is adamant that there must be a reason for her pulling, putting it down to low self-esteem, but my husband and I do not agree with this.
Our daughter is a very happy girl, we are a close happy family, and there have been no traumatic experiences which would have lead to this condition.
Being from Gibraltar, a very small British colony on the southern-most tip of Spain, specialists on this condition are non-existent.
We have looked into cognitive behavioral therapy, which is offered in the UK, and would be happy to do if necessary. It's only a 2 and a half hour planed ride from here.
Like LilyBubble has suggested, we try to keep our daughter as distracted as possible. She loves arts & crafts and we spend a lot of time doing this as a family. She is also learning to play the guitar, which she is also enjoying.
One of the most important things I have learned from all of your experiences and advice is 'ACCEPTANCE'.
Accepting that this condition (for the moment) is part of who our daughter is. It may become part of who she is long-term, but at the moment we don't want to look that far ahead. We take each day as it comes, slowly and with patience and understanding.
Learning to accept this condition has also enabled us to move forward and not dwell or worry about it constantly. Being able to 'let it go' and stop 'battling' it.
We have discussed this with our daughter and she not only agrees, but is very relieved, knowing she will not be monitored, checked on, or questioned on a daily basis. From what I have learnt, this is paramount to a sufferer, not having your parents constantly on your case.
We have told her whenever she gets the urge to pull, to try and be strong and resist, but if she can't stop herself and pulls, to accept it and move on.
Not to dwell on it or worry about it : 'my mum is going to notice' , 'why didn't I resist', etc.......to accept that she's pulled and carry on with whatever she was doing.
This is not about us pretending it's not happening or ignoring it. Believe me, this is at the forefront of our minds, but no more in a bad way.
This is about not giving trich attention, or talking about it as if it's something bad or forbidden - in a nutshell, it's about accepting trich.
We have told her we're always here for her and open to talking about it only when she wishes, that we love her, she is beautiful and trich does not define who she is.
Yes, going back to school after the holidays is a concern for us, but it's not something we want to worry about just yet.
We will deal with it as and when it comes.
Our daughter has a very good group of friends around her, and hopefully this will help her in the new school term.
As things stand now, she is happy, we are happy, and as parents, this is the most important thing to us.
If and when things change, be it her pulling getting worse or transgressing to her hair, or be it school issues, we will assess it then.
Life is happy and good at the moment (with acceptance) and I cherish the now with open arms.
Again we thank you whole-heartedly for opening up to us and allowing us to understand this condition and be able to see it through our daughters eyes.
Forever grateful xx

One of my earlier comments stated we were turning a corner where her pulling was concerned, and that she had gone 3 whole days without pulling.
Sadly this was not the case. Our daughter admitted she had been dishonest with us in order to get a reward for not pulling, and in fact, had been pulling every day.
Just knowing she was lying, was stressing her out, viscous circle and back to pulling.
Fortunately for now, and hopefully this will stay the same, she is only targeting lashes and brows. And even though she's pulling every day, it's not constant enough that she's losing too much. Yes, she's lost virtually one whole brow and most of her lashes in both eyes, but as they grow, she seems to be targeting the same parts.
My fear is her starting on her hair, but like I've already mentioned, we can't worry about something that hasn't happened yet, and may not even occur.
This was when my husband and I decided to stop the reward system our therapist had advised, and after much conversations, decided the best way forward was acceptance.
And as much as it's helped us stop stressing, it's helped our daughter the most.
She has trich and we accept it.
There are always worse things in life to deal with, and we have our daughter with us, happy and healthy.

Hi. I have been suffering with this for about 6 years. I didn't come out to anybody about mine till I had suffered it for about 5 years because I thought maybe I was crazy or I wouldn't get the acceptance and understanding that I needed. Finally coming out to my mom, she goes a bit crazy about it. Checking me and asking me everyday multiple times a day if I have pulled today and starring at my eyebrows and eyelashes and hair gets obnoxious. Her getting mad every time I end up with gaps in my eyebrows or her asking why when it happens gets obnoxious. Even her crying about it gets obnoxious. Having support from a parent is nice. Just don't think and look at your child like they are only that disease. And don't get dramatic about it. You are not the one suffering, your child is. I go to therapy and my mom acts like she is my therapist. She threatens to call my therapist if I don't clean my room. She always asks what did you do and what are you planning on doing and saying next time. She just won't get off my back. She thinks she can make treatments for me but at the same time is in shoes like yours. She doesn't understand. I don't understand. Trichotillomania is very complicated and people have it for all different reasons. Mine is partly biological and we think partly from stress and anxiety and ocd. I try very hard to help myself because I don't want to look like this. I try as hard as possible but trich is something that kind of takes over. So as a parent, don't be on her back all the time. Don't cry or get angry because it's extremely hard not to give in. Also don't get angry if she can't explain or can't understand because overall trich is very complicated and so that's normal. Just be supportive. Don't stare at her or ask her every day. Don't try to be her therapist. Just lay off a bit because you don't want to treat your daughter like she is only this disease. For me personally I don't want to talk to my parents about it. I want to deal with it through my therapist and me only. I am more than trichotillomania and so is your daughter. If your daughter doesn't want help though then don't force her because it's her body and it's her life. I think going to a therapist has helped a little bit but I still work very hard every day not to give in. It's nice to talk to someone about it and she helps partially and I go every other week. I think that's plenty. Overall, this is hard and complex and aggrivating especially to your daughter more than it is to you. Let her deal with it a bit in her own. Maybe use a therapist. It truly differs per person. Some people don't want help. Most people do though because they don't want to look like this. Ask her about every other week how's everything going and if a new gap pops up in her eyebrow, don't mention it. Also don't threaten your daughter that she will get talked about behind her back or get bullied. My mother does that and it's awful. She also makes fun of how I draw on my eyebrows even though she is the only one who complains. Most people compliment my drawn on eyebrows and they can't tell they are fake. Just let her try to figure it out a bit for herself and maybe ask her if she wants help or not. Overall don't force anything she doesn't want, don't hover her, don't treat her like she is trich, don't threat her or make fun of her. Just accept her. And while we may be short to our parents, it's because we are mad and confused and upset about it all too. So in the end just accept her. My mother is a high school guidance counselor and she is no better than any other parent of a trichster. Actually in my opinion she worse than some. So just accept it and just accept what she wants to do about it.