Transgender Support Group
This community is here to support and help the large population of transgender people. If you or anyone you know identify as transgender, this is the place to share your feelings and experiences and speak with others who are going through similar things in their lives.
Hello,
To be honest I'm a little nervous to be posting this, but I don't know where else to go. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere because I don't know who I am.. or rather what I am. I have struggled for years desperately trying to conceal my gender and found the internet to be the best place. My gender made me feel dirty, exposed, vulnerable, and just not right. I was and am still ashamed of it. I spent years binding myself, wearing layers on top of layers of clothes, and chopping all my hair off. Eventually I began getting called sir and it didn't feel so bad. But, I don't know if I would have full surgery. That's what made me feel like I wasn't truly transgender, therefore I felt like I didn't fit in on other support groups.
I'm scared to tell my family how I am feeling. I could probably tell my mother, but not my father. Not my traditional Christian father who has worked as a pastor all of his life. He prayed for a baby girl. I already make him upset by not using my birth given name. He suspects that I am having gender identity issues because my friends call me a he. He hates it. I feel like I'm letting him down and stealing away the baby girl he prayed so hard for.
It's hard to tell anyone when I don't even know what I am. It's hard being confident in something you don't know. I'm 21 and still trying to find myself. I have had these issues since I was a child. I desperately wanted to be a boy. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights over not feeling right in my body. I have prayed that I would just know who I am and be confident.
But I'm afraid if I come to terms with whatever gender that I am because then everything will seem so real. That hating myself isn't just a bad dream. I'm tired of being disgusted with my body and feeling lost. I hate when people ask me "are you a boy or are you a girl?"
My boyfriend thinks it's all a game that I'm going to get tired of eventually and I wish it was. I wish it was as easy as he thinks it is.
But still, here I am desperately trying to hide my body under layers of clothes, not speaking because I'm afraid to hear my own high pitch voice, and being disgusted with what greets me in the mirror.
I don't know how to be happy. I have some good friends who have offered advice and help. One friend even offered to buy me an actual binder so I can stop using bandages. She tells me she just wants me happy and confident in who I am.
Oh gosh I roast in the summers. I wear four shirts and a jacket all year round. That binder would be a blessing. I don't know what size to get. I have been looking at underwork's binders because I hear such good things.
I hope no one minds my venting, but I really don't know where else to talk about this.
To be honest I'm a little nervous to be posting this, but I don't know where else to go. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere because I don't know who I am.. or rather what I am. I have struggled for years desperately trying to conceal my gender and found the internet to be the best place. My gender made me feel dirty, exposed, vulnerable, and just not right. I was and am still ashamed of it. I spent years binding myself, wearing layers on top of layers of clothes, and chopping all my hair off. Eventually I began getting called sir and it didn't feel so bad. But, I don't know if I would have full surgery. That's what made me feel like I wasn't truly transgender, therefore I felt like I didn't fit in on other support groups.
I'm scared to tell my family how I am feeling. I could probably tell my mother, but not my father. Not my traditional Christian father who has worked as a pastor all of his life. He prayed for a baby girl. I already make him upset by not using my birth given name. He suspects that I am having gender identity issues because my friends call me a he. He hates it. I feel like I'm letting him down and stealing away the baby girl he prayed so hard for.
It's hard to tell anyone when I don't even know what I am. It's hard being confident in something you don't know. I'm 21 and still trying to find myself. I have had these issues since I was a child. I desperately wanted to be a boy. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights over not feeling right in my body. I have prayed that I would just know who I am and be confident.
But I'm afraid if I come to terms with whatever gender that I am because then everything will seem so real. That hating myself isn't just a bad dream. I'm tired of being disgusted with my body and feeling lost. I hate when people ask me "are you a boy or are you a girl?"
My boyfriend thinks it's all a game that I'm going to get tired of eventually and I wish it was. I wish it was as easy as he thinks it is.
But still, here I am desperately trying to hide my body under layers of clothes, not speaking because I'm afraid to hear my own high pitch voice, and being disgusted with what greets me in the mirror.
I don't know how to be happy. I have some good friends who have offered advice and help. One friend even offered to buy me an actual binder so I can stop using bandages. She tells me she just wants me happy and confident in who I am.
Oh gosh I roast in the summers. I wear four shirts and a jacket all year round. That binder would be a blessing. I don't know what size to get. I have been looking at underwork's binders because I hear such good things.
I hope no one minds my venting, but I really don't know where else to talk about this.
In regards to your father, it's not your job to make him happy. Your job is to try and live your best life. You can't really make him happy anyway. Being happy or not is going to be his choice and you cannot control his reaction to you. You are not responsible for his feelings or actions, only he is. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself.
I know for me, it took a lot to grow out of the "deny yourself" Christian mentality I grew up with. The truth of the matter is that denying what you want does not make you a better Christian or more righteous, it only makes you miserable. God never wanted us to be miserable. It can be hard to learn how to take care of yourself but it is so important.
From what I have read, you don't have to want surgery to be transgender, not every transgendered person is the same. I could be wrong..........
I'm not very good at giving advise, but I think that you should come out when you feel ready and when you are comfortable with who (or what) you are. Like, when you are ready. Finding yourself is a process that everyone on here has or had to go through. It takes time.
Also, I have an underworks binder and it is amazing. Truly a life saver (for me at least).
If you ever need to talk, I'm here. :)
I'm a MTF transgender - and my father was a minister in the church, who threatened me - at six years old - with being locked away in a mental asylum for the rest of my life if I didn't stop telling people I was a boy.
It didn't change who or what I felt I was. It did teach me I couldn't trust him, or the church, to be there for me when I needed it. It taught me to keep everything I felt bottled up inside, and made me clinically depressed, to the point of attempting suicide in my early teens.
I thought for decades I was the only person who felt the way I did; I knew I wasn't gay or lesbian; I knew I was meant to be a guy, not a gal. I finally gave up trying to make my father happy - trying to make everyone ELSE happy - and decided to be myself - with no idea there were others, no words for what I felt.
A close friend saw a national geographic special on human gender identity, and thought I might find it of interest. I watched, and was so happy - when they addressed transgender,... it was like the light finally appeared in my life.
As I began transitioning, my clinical depression cleared up - no longer on the anti-depressants - and I am finally free to be myself.
My point is, don't waste YOUR life trying to please other people - it's YOUR life, not theirs. I used to wear layers of clothing - turtleneck sweaters in the summertime to hide - and all it did was make me more miserable. Live as who you feel you are - don't let other people force you into living what you know is a lie. They have their lives, you have yours. Accept yourself, love yourself, and if other people can't accept you for who you are, it's their problem, not yours. You don't need to feel bad about who you are. If you believe god is love, and means for us to love one another, then ask yourself this: when you love someone, you want the best for them, you want them to be happy,... so, if god is love, doesn't god want you to be happy? You deserve to be happy. Do what will make you happy.
Being transgender doesn't mean you HAVE to get surgery, or go on hormones, or make any changes - unless you want to. Not every transgender person feels the same about what they need to do to feel happy in their own skin. Some go for it all - surgeries, hormones, the works - while some are perfectly fine once they just accept themselves for who they are. It's a spectrum, like a lot of things in life. You find where on that spectrum you feel right, and that's it.
I plan on posting on the group more. You're all so nice.
My mom knows about how I feel towards my gender. She only wants me happy and healthy. But not many people know about it. Close friends know and I have had support, but there are some people who have not been so accepting.
A friend of mine brought it up today over the phone. She told me I'm having an identity crisis and I need to realize I have a vagina and not a penis and nothing will change that. She kept telling me I am female over and over again. It hurt. It hurt really bad.
But aside from that I've had good support. I just feel really caught in the middle. I know I feel male and I would get surgery on my chest, but that's all that I want. It just kinda makes me feel caught in the middle. I'm just so tired of looking down and hating what I see.
Ashley
At the heart of all of what you are experiencing is the crucial work of self acceptance which should be right about now when your life is not going your way.
I know how you feel, for decades but thanks to a very insightful therapist, I was able to see the following facts:
1) Life is what you make of it, things do not happen to you, they happen for you, your job is to make certain you do not let what happens to you dictate how you will feel about life.
2) Everything has to do with perception, if you perceive life to be hostile towards you, it will always be hostile. It all has to do with how you feel. So if you feel all disjointed and in conflict, you will be surrounded by it all around.
3) Happiness is not something you get, it is something you are. Once you get the idea that nothing that anyone says about you that is not in sync with how you see yourself will no longer bother you. Why? because to you it is obvious that they are not talking about you, so why would you get upset?
4) Learning to all of you and I mean all of you is the number one job you have ahead of you. There is this law that most people are not aware of which reads that no one is obligated to love you. I love this one because it frees me from the disappointment if someone fails to love me. But I am obligated to love and appreciate myself and would you not know it? when people see that they will love you because people who love themselves behave in loving ways towards others. And the bonus is that if there are others who do not respect you, you simply wish them well on their ways out the door.
5) I want to here talk about my personal physique because it is important to be mentioned, specially for those who have body hatred. I have only had testosterone treatment and the only operation was a hysterectomy because of medical reasons. I have size 34B breasts while it may not seem that much, it is noticeable. I have lost most of my hair on top but I have thick beard. But no one looks at me any different because I act like I know who and what I am: perfectly imperfect.
If fact when I disclose to others that I am transgender 99.99% are incredulous and ask me to prove it. There was a time when I fought tooth and nail to have others address me by the proper pronoun and get angry when I got called mam or some other rubbish. once I got the notion that until I felt quite fine with being perfectly imperfect nothing would change for me, it stopped altogether. In fact, when some old friends of mine slip and call me by the feminine pronoun I simply say, "Geez! That's so 80's. Get with the times." I transitioned in 1987. No more to be said.
6) Those around you will not understand your plight, they cannot since it not their experience, it would be best not to insist on it. However, while they are not expect it to understand you, they should respect and treat you decently, if that cannot be done, walk away, do not get upset about since it is obvious they care more about their opinions of you than about you, no harm done.
7) Work on finding exactly where and how you are most comfortable, I found that I am most comfortable as I am right now. Hence why I stayed this way. True most have asked me why I never had a mastectomy or SRS anfd my response shall always be that I do not hate my body. The irony of all of this is that before T therapy, I hated everything about it, and after years of T and a great therapist I actually learned to love it, funny uh?
Anyway, I think I have written enough for now. Hope you find this helpful and useful. The same goes for anyone else who feels the same way you do.
Hugs,
Wolf (56 year old FTM)
Pay attention to your body, because your body will often betray your brain and there is confidence in that. Following this simple rule, it doesn't matter where you are on the gender spectrum at any given moment. Instead all that matters is that you are listening to your body and what your body wants or feels can change too. And that's okay.