Transgender Support Group
This community is here to support and help the large population of transgender people. If you or anyone you know identify as transgender, this is the place to share your feelings and experiences and speak with others who are going through similar things in their lives.
Hi everyone, I'm a significant other to a trans man. My husband started his transition 10 months ago with his top surgery, then starting T right after. I'm very lucky to have him as my life partner and the father of my 3 month old. But I've been struggling lately with our family life and want to know if there are other SOs out there with any advice.
When we started trying to expand our family, originally, he was the one going to be pregnant (before he came out to me). We tried several times and it wasn't working, when he finally broke down and told me he didn't want to be pregnant because he really felt he was in the wrong body and that he shouldn't have a uterus. It was actually a HUGE relief for us and our relationship. I wasn't sure that he ever felt that way, but had feelings he might and tried several times to get him to open up about it, I'm glad he finally did. But anyway, once he came out, we changed our plan. I would carry our child but we would use his egg (he always wanted someone who looked like him bc he was adopted). so we proceeded to do IVF and got pregnant the first try. I got pregnant in Dec and he had his top surgery in Feb. I was sooooooo sick my first trimester I could barely get out of bed. This resulted in me not being able to really care for him after his surgery. I mean I cleaned the drains and helped him around and made sure he took his meds, but I wasn't there for him emotionally as much as he needed. And I think part of me is resenting him b/c I failed...I know that sounds crazy and I feel selfish for thinking I wish he would have waited until I felt better, but he needed the surgery, he needed to become closer to his true self.
Well, he's been on T for about 7 months now. And he's a jerk. He always became angry quickly, but now it's explosive, he won't admit when he's been an ass, and he blames me for everything, especially when it comes to our daughter. He has constantly been saying he never wanted to be a parent (although that's all he talked about for the first 2 years of our relationship) and of course we are fighting a lot about stupid things like laundry. Then when we really get into it, he says if I leave him he will keep our daughter. I never mention leaving him b/c that's not what I want. I don't want my life without him in it so I never use that as a threat. In fact, since he's started T, he's become the aggressor in our arguments, whereas I used to be.
I guess I'm not really sure what my questions are other than if there's anyone else that has been through the changes of their partner on T and how they dealt with it. I think partly I just needed to vent. I don't know where else to turn.
When we started trying to expand our family, originally, he was the one going to be pregnant (before he came out to me). We tried several times and it wasn't working, when he finally broke down and told me he didn't want to be pregnant because he really felt he was in the wrong body and that he shouldn't have a uterus. It was actually a HUGE relief for us and our relationship. I wasn't sure that he ever felt that way, but had feelings he might and tried several times to get him to open up about it, I'm glad he finally did. But anyway, once he came out, we changed our plan. I would carry our child but we would use his egg (he always wanted someone who looked like him bc he was adopted). so we proceeded to do IVF and got pregnant the first try. I got pregnant in Dec and he had his top surgery in Feb. I was sooooooo sick my first trimester I could barely get out of bed. This resulted in me not being able to really care for him after his surgery. I mean I cleaned the drains and helped him around and made sure he took his meds, but I wasn't there for him emotionally as much as he needed. And I think part of me is resenting him b/c I failed...I know that sounds crazy and I feel selfish for thinking I wish he would have waited until I felt better, but he needed the surgery, he needed to become closer to his true self.
Well, he's been on T for about 7 months now. And he's a jerk. He always became angry quickly, but now it's explosive, he won't admit when he's been an ass, and he blames me for everything, especially when it comes to our daughter. He has constantly been saying he never wanted to be a parent (although that's all he talked about for the first 2 years of our relationship) and of course we are fighting a lot about stupid things like laundry. Then when we really get into it, he says if I leave him he will keep our daughter. I never mention leaving him b/c that's not what I want. I don't want my life without him in it so I never use that as a threat. In fact, since he's started T, he's become the aggressor in our arguments, whereas I used to be.
I guess I'm not really sure what my questions are other than if there's anyone else that has been through the changes of their partner on T and how they dealt with it. I think partly I just needed to vent. I don't know where else to turn.
My brother and I noticed the changes right away. He started to become angry, practically all the time, and he was sweating all the time. He would storm out of a group conversation if he wasn't winning the topic. He used to be fun to be around, but he wasn't anymore.
Then he kept buying stuff he didn't need, then complained about financial problems. And then he made this out of the blue wild decision to sell most of what he had and then move away. He wanted my family member to run away with him across the country. Of course they refused him!
We look back on it now and we strongly believe that the testosterone made him insane. So I guess maybe check with your partner's doctor who is administering the testosterone and find out if a smaller dosage can be applied. Its important to talk about these problems with your doctor anyways, as I am pretty sure its part of the mandate you accept when you go on hormones.
So sorry to hear about these problems hun, I really hope you get them sorted out before Christmas, as I want you guys to have a beautiful holiday season. And congrats on your baby girl btw.
Ashley
Hope y'all get it sorted out and find peace within the relationship. And congratulations on having a baby girl. :D
Something you said stood out to me, it was this, "I feel selfish for thinking I wish he would have waited until I felt better, but he needed the surgery, he needed to become closer to his true self."
Actually, I think it was extremely selfish of him to have top surgery so close to your pregnancy. He did not need the surgery, as in life or death, he could have waited. I mean, he had waited a long time, thus he could have waited a bit longer. I am an FTM saying this...
But back to your main issue, who he has become in such short months of T. I can tell you from personal experience that I refused to be involved with anyone for the first 5 years of T. It was bad enough to deal with it myself but to bring someone else into the mix was not wise, to say the least.
Since he's become such a jerk perhaps you may wish to decide whether he is the one for you. I have seen my share of horrible breakups due to T. Sadly the first few years of T are the worst, he'll find a fight where there's none to be had. He'll go zero to enraged in 3.5 seconds or so it seems, for no logical reason.
I think it would be a good idea for him to get some therapy to get his angry feelings sorted out. My mother used to say that being angry and being drunk are expressed in the same way, that is that while drunk and angry you lose your inhibitions and say and do the things you would not normally do, in other who you truly are shows up in both scenarios, the question is would you want to be that person every time you get angry.
I used to be like that, not as aggressive but I would bait to have an excuse to fight, lucky for me I had a therapist who made me own all of my not so good deeds. You say he was adopted, there must be some underlying anger there as a result. Either way, he needs to deal with it, because all T does or seems to do is show you what frustrations/anger issues and conflicting feelings you've been hiding for yonks and everyone pays for it.
Then again, I'm not your typical FTM, I have done a lot of soul searching and I was fortunate to find a therapist who was willing to whip me into shape even when I bucked the hardest, I will be forever grateful, I would not be where I am, calm and at peace if she had not shown me it could be possible.
All I'm a basically saying is this: He has got to come to terms with who he is and where he's been, sooner rather than later. Otherwise, he'll be just another statistical jerk FTM and we have enough of those already.
Incidentally, there is nothing to feel guilty about, you are carrying a life within you, which in the first trimesters is all but a bowl of peaches, all he had was a mastectomy. Though, it is surgery, it is not like a hysterectomy which is major surgery. I am not making light of his surgery but putting into perspective, an observation, as it were.
Hope this helps,
Wolf (FTM since 1987)
I am in my second year or so of T, and I am sooo glad I had the good sense NOT to enter into a relationship when the opportunity showed itself back when I first began transitioning. I KNOW I am going through a lot of changes - both mentally and physically, from the T - and I KNOW I am often more of a jerk than I intend to be. I try to keep an eye on myself, and apologize to those I might lash out at as soon as I catch myself - but it shows how rough the adjustment to being on T can be.
I am seeing a therapist who specializes in transgender patients; and we discuss how I am dealing with things, how I am feeling, and how much of it is from the T and how much is from decades of suppressed feelings. I have a lot of anger issues yet to work out, so I know a portion of my current reactions are actually from events in my past. Right now, I have found it helps for me to spend time alone, so I can sort things out - figure out what kind of man I want to be, who I really am inside, and work out the buried things that are dredging up the anger now. T magnifies anger, in a way, it sets a hair trigger on your temper - and add to that the burden/blessing of figuring out yourself, you get a setup for potential explosions.
I have been working on myself in depth enough that I have gotten where I can begin just letting go of things - not holding on to them and having the rage build, but simply accepting they happened, and releasing them. It has been hard getting to this point, but I feel better, and have had fewer angry outbursts. I am becoming more "laid back" - so much that it has surprised my therapist, who seems to want me to get mad more often.
I'm not in a relationship - as I said before - because I know I am NOT ready to bring another person into my life - I am still working too many things out, and don't want to risk ruining it during my adjustment to being on T.
It IS a second puberty - in EVERY way possible. I have also been dealing with the teenage boy's sudden urges and distractions.... as in, I see attractive ladies, I have to clamp down hard on my reactions so I don't come across as a fool, or worse! It sounds silly, but this really does happen. I have not had SRS, but I still feel the response down there... It is frustrating, and confusing, and sometimes it is even physically painful. But it is all part of adjusting to being on T. Some of us manage to adjust better than others, as we could also say about cis-gendered men.
Hopefully, he will grow out of this phase, and learn to master his temper, instead of allowing it to master him. But meanwhile, you both may well want to seek counseling together, to help during this adjustment period... which can take decades, I have been told. It may be that you find he is not the person you fell in love with, and you might opt to separate; or, you may both be able to work through this and build a stronger relationship. Either way, I suggest counseling for both of you - you, to get the support you need, and him, to get help sorting out his anger issues and learning how to handle his temper better.
Wolfie- thank you so much for validating my feelings if "he could have waited" for the surgery. He has a tendency to overtake and jump into things and as grounded as I am, there have been some things I have been unable to help ground him on. And I felt if I asked him to wait that i would be telling him not to be himself. But glad to know it wouldn't have been selfish of me.